 "Now, off you go!! See if you can't finish this ridiculous article without my help!"
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Act 1[]
Yes sirree, little buddy. There"s no life like it. Pull! [Gulping] Being future ruler of Kongo Bongo is one sweet job! Pull! Job? [Laughing] I"ve never seen you working. Hey, what do you call this? And then there"s always... CRANKY: Donkey Koooong!
[Grunting] Hey, Cranky. Why all the agitation? K. Rool"s grabbed the Crystal Coconut! I"m on the job. The Crystal Coconut is mine, at long last, and nothing on Earth will take it from me! Gotcha! After him, you simpering salamanders! [Brakes screeching] Whoa! [Grunting] [Grunting] Are you okay, Your Whiplashness? Never mind me! Get Donkey Kong! Yes, Sir. Target twelve o"clock! Why is he just standing there? [Brakes screeching] Uh, maybe that"s why. ALL: Whoa! [Crashing] [Groaning] [Gulping] All in a day"s work. And then, just as I was too tired to run anymore, I came up with a plan of great geniusity. And boom! That"s why you're the one and only future ruler of Kongo Bongo! And my special guy. Oh, please! The only qualifications for the position you hold seems to be an ability to eat vast amounts of bananas! Exactly. They don"t give this job to any ape, you know. Apparently that"s just who they give that job to. Well I don"t really care what you say, Bluster. When it comes to big, brave and good-looking, DK gets my vote. So, there. [All laughing] Hm, I wonder what would happen if it came down to a vote. [Munching] Good, good, yep. [Mumbling] Eeya! Do you have to lie around my place like that? Go do something useful, like clean up. Clean up what? For starters, you could take out that trash. [Laughing] Cranky, I demand to know why this missing link can be future ruler of Kongo Bongo, while other more worthwhile, richer and more deserving apes can"t. Good question. Well? Well what? I just said it was a good question! Now leave me alone. I"m busy. Cranky, I demand that we have an election, so that the future ruler of Kongo Bongo can be chosen, fair and square. An election? I gotta admit, it does make sense. Let me run it by Inka Dinka Doo. If he"s okay with it, then I guess so am I. I know you work in mysterious ways. Picking Donkey Kong to be the next future ruler was certainly a doozie. Anyway, this election thing came up, and I can"t think of a reason why it"s a bad idea. [Rumbling] Everyone is in the running. Really? To make the outcome all the more stunning. A good old-fashioned election. Yahoo! Well? What did he say? He said an election is a fine idea, and anyone can be a candidate. He did? Yep. Now come on, I"ve gotta tell everybody. An election. That"s intelligence King K. Rool could use. [Humming] King K. Rool! What is it, Klump? I was just about to finish Mozart"s "Unfinished Symphony"! Vital enemy information. I overheard the monkeys talkin" about an election, Sir. For the future ruler of Kongo Bongo. An election? Ha! I"m the only true leader on this island. [Humming] Of course, if I were elected future ruler of Kongo Bongo, I"d, I'd control everything. I"d be all-powerful! I"d dominate the whole island once and for all! And the pay would be pretty good, too. Muahaha! Let me at "em! Oh yeah! This is how you"re running an election campaign? Relax, Cranky. I plan to capture the popular vote, and let"s face it, I'm way more popular than Bluster! TV: Friends, simpletons, lizards! It"s not too late to set things straight! A vote for me is a vote for Bluster! Hey Buster, vote Bluster. It"s a buster! Cranky, my favourite curmudgeon. I hope I can count on your vote! Aaaye! Whoo. [Shouts of pain] [Gasping for breath] Uh, perhaps you"d like to hear my position on healthcare. I don"t wanna hear anything from either of you. All I wanna do is make sure you understand how we"re going to conduct this two-way race. [Coughing] Did you say "two-way"? Uh oh, that"s trouble with a capital K. Rool! Don"t worry, little buddy. I"m ready for anything. That"s why I'm the future ruler of Kongo Bongo. Oh ho, no need to be alarmed. I"m not interested in your silly little baubles. We"re here for purely non-belligerent purposes. [Chuckling] What do you two slime sushi want? Well, I couldn"t help overhearing that you"re having an election and well, I"d like to throw my hat into the ring, as it were. Isn"t that right, Klump? Whatever you say, Sir. No... gah... It"s a figure of speech, you knuckle-head! You want to run for future ruler of Kongo Bongo? Ahaha! That"s ridiculous! Ri-dic-u-lous! Right, Cranky? Tell "em, go on, tell 'em. Well uh, you see, I um, uh, technically, the Inka Dinka Doo says he can. Exactly. By the way, I hope I can count on your vote. [Chuckling] What"s this got to do with getting elected future ruler of Kongo Bongo? Absolutely nothin... But, but DK, that"s not how elections work. Diddy. Little buddy. Do ya like me? Like a brother! Does Candy like me? Uh huh. Does Cranky like me? Unh-unh. Does everybody like me? Uh-huh. Sorta. Then I"ve got nothing to worry about. As long as I"m me, how can I lose? The best thing I do is what I"m doing now. Absolutely nothin"! And I can do that better than anybody. Hey! Maybe that should be my campaign slogan! ♪ Vote for me ♪ I do nothin" ♪ ♪ Vote for me ♪ Better than anyone ♪ Vote for me ♪ I do nothin" better than anyone ♪ [Laughing] Ungh! "Vote for Donkey Kong"? "He does nothing better than anybody"? Ha! At least it"s honest. It"s time for a ruler who hears what you have to say. I may be cold-blooded, but I"m warm-hearted, too. On election day, vote for the green dude. Vote K. Rool! Good day, Sir. My name"s King K. Rool, and I'm running for the office of future ruler of Kongo Bongo. Is there anything you"re looking for in a leader? Hm. The only thing this dude is seekin" is the perfect wave. Alas, the tide is out. No waves. It would appear that your current leader is letting you down in the um, surf department. Heh heh. Vote for me and I promise you... land surfing! Land surfing? Radical! What"s that? General? Come on, now. Hey dude, that"s my board! Surf"s up, dude. Land surfing rules! I"m voting for that green dude for sure! Uh oh. DK, big buddy, you"ve got to start campaigning. Why do I have to knock? I always just walk in. It"s what politicians do, DK. They knock on doors and meet their constituents! I plan to increase the budget for research and development on the island, by 100%! That"s very impressive, I must say. Toodaloo! What do you want, DK? I"m very busy. [Clearing throat] Good afternoon, Sir or Madam. My name is Donkey Kong, and I"m running for future ruler of Kongo Bongo. Yeah yeah yeah, what"s your platform? I can do nothing better than anybody. Not interested. Ooh. Let"s put him down as "undecided". [Chuckling] And that is my vision for a better Kongo Bongo. Good day ladies, and uh... [Chuckling] I hope I can count on your vote. Well he"s much more charming and intelligent than I ever imagined. And way less slimy, too! Good day, Sir. What a dope! Good afternoon, Sir or Madam. My name is Donkey Kong, and I"m running for future ruler of Kongo Bongo. We know, Donkey Kong. Well, that was easy enough. You can put down two votes for me. Not so fast. King K. Rool promised he"d make women"s rights one of his key issues. Yeah! What do you have to say? Uh, I can do nothing better than anybody. Frankly, DK, I expect a little bit more from my elected representative. Me too! But Candy, I can also... Ouch! It"s not easy being me. That"s it! That"s the problem! I think maybe we gotta make you act more like a politician. Come on. Look, there"s someone. Huh? Good afternoon, Sir or Madam. Are you gonna hit me? No. I"m running for future ruler of Kongo Bongo. ♪ Donkey Kong, the ape on a mission ♪ ♪ He"s got the answers ♪ ♪ He"s a politician ♪ ♪ He"s not lying ♪ ♪ He"s just a politician ♪ ♪ Donkey Kong ♪ The ape is on a mission ♪ Vote DK! Eh, huh? If you vote for me, I promise, I won"t hit you next time you steal the Crystal Coconut. Really? Thanks. That wasn"t so hard, now was it? I don"t know, little buddy. It wasn"t really me. That"s the point! Now, let"s get ready for the candidates debate! Good luck in the big debate, DK. Gee, thanks, Candy. Does that mean you"ll vote for me? No, I wanna hear what you have to say on the issues, first. Oh, boy. I don"t have any opinions. I just want people to vote for me because they like me. That just doesn"t seem to be enough these days, does it? Well that"s what I stand for. Good old Donkey Kong! Hmm. I suppose that might work, too. What do you mean, "that might work"? Oh, nothing, it"s just that... >> What? What? Tell me! Well, since you asked. Everybody already knows you. Maybe you should enlighten the voters on the other candidates, for example. Maybe he"s right. Everybody already knows exactly who I am. Donkey Kong! He"s a fighter! Donkey Kong! His below the belt! Donkey Kong! Nothing is too low! Can you spell "sneer"? Vote Donkey Kong! [Metallic punching noise] [Quiet chatter] And how would you, as future leader of Kongo Bongo, deal with the banana situation? I"m all for anything that encourages economic growth and prosperity, and by that I mean my economic growth and prosperity. Isn"t that just like Bluster, who I heard cheats on his taxes and wears a toupee! [All gasping] Well I... how... but... That was so mean of Donkey Kong! Candidates. Your position on the ape-lizard conflict. King K. Rool. [Clearing throat] If you elect me your future ruler of Kongo Bongo, I propose an immediate truce, so that we may live together, as brothers. [Cheering] Well, King K. Rool is a low-down, no-good, coconut-stealing thief! [Gasping] And he never calls his mother on her birthday. [Gasping] [All talking at once] DK, what were you thinking in there? Just telling it like it is, and everybody loves me for it! Watch. Can you believe DK is saying all those nasty things? The donkey dude is way out of bounds. Spreading lies about his opponents. Tsk tsk. Who"s gonna vote for him now? [Cheering] Donkey Kong, where are you? Who cares where I am, little buddy? I"m not the monkeys' choice. I"m nobody's choice! Ah, come on. Lots of folks are gonna vote for you. No they"re not. It was hard enough to get them to vote for me when I was just me. But now I"m a me who says rotten things about my opponents. I don"t know why I listened to K. Rool. Jumpin" jungle berries! Are you saying K. Rool tricked you? Gee, I uh... [Sighing] Yeah, he tricked me. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I knew K. Rool couldn"t change! He"s the same as he always is. Evil, evil, evil! So what? Nobody else knows! They all think he"s a great guy! What if we showed them differently. How? Follow me. What if Cranky shows up? We"ll take the chance. Stage one, complete. Let"s go. Are ya sure? Don"t you wanna show everybody what K. Rool is really like before they all go out and vote for him? Yes. Then I"m sure. Strike! K. ROOL: Ouch. Hey, what the... Why did you call us here, DK, and I"m right in the middle of work! I don"t have time to stand around staring at... Looky, folks. The Crystal Coconut is gone! I wonder which green, slimy candidate might have taken it. How do you know that he took it? Is this another one of your mean lies? All I"m saying is that the coconut is gone, and King K. Rool is... >> Here, to return the Crystal Coconut. This precious symbol of our great island came into my possession. I wish to return it to its safe and rightful place of honour. Wait a minute! Isn"t anybody gonna ask how he got it? Hmm. Perhaps we should ask whoever was supposed to be guarding it. Yes, Donkey Kong. Maybe you can explain. I can. ALL: Mm-hm. But not very well. But hey, enough about me! It"s back safe and sound. [Nervous chuckling] [Cheering] And now, if you"ll excuse me, I have an election campaign to attend to. I hope I can count on your votes! [Chuckling] ALL: K. Rool for future ruler! K. Rool for future ruler! You should be ashamed of yourself, DK. ALL: K. Rool for future ruler! K. Rool for future... Nothing. K. ROOL: Muahahah! You gave back the coconut?! Hahaha! I gave it back because, now when I steal it, they"ll never believe it was me! Sir, I thought you were satisfied with winning the election. Oh, I was! But then I realized, winning is nice, but stealing is much more fun! I suppose it"s true what my worthy opponent said about me. I am a low-down, no-good, coconut-stealing thief! Now listen. [Whispering] When will we know the results? Just a few more voters to go, and then I"ll tally up the ballots. May I have another? Sorry, Bluster. One vote each. That"s how it works. You mean, I get the same number of votes as him? And you call this a democracy! We"re here to exercise our democratic franchise. Uh, beggin" your pardon, Sir. I thought we were gonna steal... Oof! [Chuckling] Oh, never mind him. Now you two know what to do. Come on, coco buddy. What am I supposed to do? K. Rool really does seem better qualified than me to be the future ruler. Should I vote for him? I wanna do the right thing! Can"t ya give me a sign? [Creaking] Ah. My little gem. Now you"re all mine! [Chuckling] And by the time anybody even realizes, it will be too late to do anything about it. Thanks, Coconut! That"s just the sign I needed! Let"s go! But I didn"t get to vote. [Sighing] He"s got the coconut! Ooh! Every vote counts! Hyah! Get the coconut, Krusha! Oh, oh, oh. [Grunting] Hey! Huh? Whoa! [Crashing] You promised not to hit me. You"re right! I did. It was a campaign promise. And it"s one I can keep. Gee, thanks. If you give me the coconut. Enjoy it while you can, Donkey Kong! It will be mine soon enough! Have you tallied the votes yet? I don"t believe this. It"s impossible! Did I win? Did I win? No, you got one vote. One?! It can"t be! I voted for me, and Mumsy"s vote makes... My own mumsy didn"t vote for me! Donkey Kong and King K. Rool have the same number of votes! And everybody"s voted! I haven"t. ALL: What? [Chuckling] Well, well, well. It looks like we have our tie-breaker. Come along, Krusha. You must exercise your democratic right to vote! Yeah, right. How do ya make an X? Just get in there and vote! He voted for, Donkey Kong! [Applause] How could you do this?! How could you vote for that, that, monkey? Because, he kept his promise! I won. I won! Yay, DK! [Laughing] I knew you could do it, my democratically chosen big buddy! I"m the duly elected future ruler of Kongo Bongo! I"d just like to say, I've learned that issues are more important than winning because I"m me! So, what issue would you like me to tackle first? Well, you could clean up this place. Okay. Get rid of corruption, make the streets safe, get tough on crime, or I can do... >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never mind that. [Thudding and grunting] Just clean up the place! [Groaning] ♪ |