 "You wouldn't know a good article if you were reading it!"
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Act 1[]
CRANKY: "“Twas the night before the festival, and all through the cabin, not a creature was stirrin", no gorillas were gabbin."” The banana peels were tossed by the piano with care, in hopes that more bananas soon would be there. Mmm... Bananas. That"s my favourite part of the holiday. That"s your favourite part of any day, DK!
[Laughing] What"s your favourite part of the holiday, little buddy? Opening presents, especially when it"s a junior jungle gym, complete with mega monkey bars! [Laughing] Diddy... How did you know? That"s just what I always wanted. [Chuckling] What"s your favourite part of the holiday, Cranky? The truce between lizards and apes. The Kongo Bongo Festival of Lights is the one day a year we don"t have to worry about that pond gack K. Rool trying to steal the Crystal Coconut! DK: The one day a year it"s completely safe. ♪ KLUMP: Squadron 10! Your mine car is clear for take-off on track 7. It"s a low clearance tunnel so watch your... [Crashing] Heads... >> That"s the last of the Kritter troops, sir. Everybody"s gone to celebrate the Kongo Bongo Festival of Lights day with their families. Splendid, just splendid! Well, you know my holiday motto, right, Klump? Yes sir! Even cerebrally challenged homespun pinhead subordinates need to spend time with their scaly loved ones. Speaking of cerebrally challenged, where"s Krusha? He"s in the vault, sir. He"s rummaging through all your junk to see if he can find something festive to bring home for the holidays. I found somethin... K. ROOL: What have you got there, Krusha? Ooh, ooh, ooh, candles! Those aren"t candles! Those are... Fireworks. I just love fireworks. They"re my favourite part o' the holiday. Oh, my favourite part is going back to the swamplands to play gator-games with all my slithering siblings. We just roll around in the muck all day, drinking bog-nog and exchanging villain stories... And then later, we will gorge on one of mummy"s home-made mud pies! Oh, I can almost smell it now... [Sniffing] Whoa! Well, General, I"m off! Happy Festival of Lights Day! Same to you, your sinister slipperiness, sir. Better hurry, Krusha... Your family"s waiting. Bye, bye... >> Happy holidays! KRUSHA: Aren"t you going home? Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure, I was just, um... lockin" up! Oh, I got a big day planned, uh, wouldn"t miss it for the world. Yeah, you go on, you silly salamander, and I... I order you to have fun! D"okay, uh, bye bye... And remember to watch your... KRUSHA: Oof! Head. [Sighing] Well, I may not have anywhere to go, but at least I"ve got the whole place to myself. ♪ I"ve always been the only one ♪ ♪ All on my own, just a wayward son ♪ ♪ And I bet they"re all together eatin" pizza mud-pies ♪ ♪ As they cozy on the sofa watching swamp gas rise ♪ ♪ I"ve got no family tree ♪ ♪ Just a bush, a twig, a branch, a sapling, that"s me ♪ ♪ I never had no next of kin ♪ Just a few hundred teeth, and oily skin ♪ ♪ And I still remember mama"s rotten turtle egg stew ♪ ♪ And her beetle sandwiches and picnics too ♪ ♪ I got no family tree ♪ Just a bush, a twig, a branch, a sapling, that"s me ♪ ♪ I got no family tree ♪ No one to celebrate the Festival with me ♪ [Sobbing] As I recall, when I was a kid, someone taught me a little poem to cheer me up... Now what was it? Oh yeah, I remember now. ♪ Whenever you"re sad ♪ ♪ Lonely as can be ♪ Just remember me... Huh. Dag-newt, what was that last line? Huh, oh well, no matter. There"s no one to hear but me anyway. DK: This year"s Festival of Lights is gonna be the best ever, little buddy! Wait till you see my fireworks display! I"d rather see my presents. Oh, tell me what you got me, DK! Please, please, tell me, please! Okay, but you can"t tell anybody, because I got the same gift for everyone. It"s big... >> Yeah? It"s beautiful! Yeah? It"s a banana! Yeah-ha... Huh? [Laughing] Yeah right, as if! No, seriously, what did ya get me? No, no, don"t tell me. Let it be a surprise. Yeah, a surprise. Sure. [Sniffing] Mmm... I smell... banana cream pie! Hi, DK! Hi, Creamy! Uh, I mean Candy. I thought you"d be on the beach setting up the fireworks display. You know how much I love your banana cream pies. Well not as much as you"re gonna love the present I got you! Uh... Present? No peeking until later. I can"t wait to see what you got me. Ah, I gotta go. Hey, Donkey Dude! Hi, Funky, going surfing? Negative, D-man, I"m trippin' a move to Cranky"s to deliver your present. You"ll be cruisin' your karma on a high tide real soon! [Laughing] It sounds like everyone got me really great presents. Oh, not everyone! I"m sure Cranky got you the same useless gift he gets you every year... BOTH: Glow in the dark pyjamas. My gift will make up for it. Ooh, speaking of which, I better go wrap it. You better start setting up those fireworks, otherwise the only thing lighting up the sky tonight will be your pyjamas! [Laughing] How can I think about fireworks when I have to get new presents for everyone? Oh, what am I gonna do? I know! DK: Oh, you gotta help me, Inka Dinka Doo! I"m desperate! What should I do? Look into the heart of your enemy to discover the greatest gift of all... >> Uh... Say what? Thanks to Inka Dinka Doo"s Inky Dinky stinky advice, now I"ve wasted even more time, and now I... [Crashing] [Gasping] The enemy... You wouldn"t hit a lizard with glasses, would ya? I can"t. It"s the Kongo Bongo Festival of Lights day, a truce between lizards and apes? Good, "cause I don't even know an optometrist. It"s good to know I'm not the only one who"s alone for the holidays. Oh, I"m not alone. I"m meeting my friends later at the beach for a big party! Then I guess I am the only one all alone today. Aren"t you behind enemy lines? Well I w... I was just, uh, well, to be honest, I... I come out here every year to see the fireworks. I just love them fireworks! Well, there isn"t goin' to be any. No fireworks? But that"s all I got! Sorry, but I have to find presents for all my friends first. Say, uh... Being a truce and all... Maybe I could help you find them presents! You mean it? Affirmative! And, uh... Maybe in return, you"d let me have a front-row seat for them fireworks, huh? It"s a deal! Arr, mateys. It"s Kongo Bongo's Festival of Lights Day, the day of the legendary truce. So I"s be thinkin', what better day to steal the Crystal Coconut from the unsuspectin" apes... then on the day they ain "t suspectin"? Aye, and what better gift to steal than the one ye be wantin" most, eh, Capitain? There be one thing I be wanting more than the Crystal Coconut, mateys. It"s something I lost years ago. [Sighing] But I can"t take what be lost. But I can take everything else! So let"s be doing what pirates do best! ALL: Steal booty! DK: Wow! There"s so many cool things in here! Take whatever ya want, I"m sure King K. Rool wouldn"t miss half the junk in there. You should see all the great stuff I"m finding! Hey, what are all these clown clothes for? Uh... yeah, you better leave those behind. Thanks to you, I have great presents for everyone! I wish I had someone to give presents to... and a warm house to go home to... and knitted slippers with webbed toes... and bog-nog, and home made mud pies... ♪ Whenever you"re sad ♪ ♪ Lonely as can be ♪ Just remember me... Remember... who? I dunno, I can never remember the last part. All I know is someone sang it to me when I was knee-high to a newt, and I can"t remember who... >> Hey! I found the perfect gifts! Well done, soldier! What are they? Candles! KLUMP: No! Those are... Fireworks. I thought they looked kinda familiar. What"s taking DK so long? He should"ve finished setting up the fireworks by now. I"ll go check on him. Don"t worry, Cranky, DK knows how important today is. He wouldn"t goof off. Wheeeeeeee! [Snoring] Whoa! General Klump! I"ve found the perfect gift for everyone! Mine cars! Hey, what"s this lever for? Don"t pull the lever! Whoa! Maybe this isn"t the perfect gift, after all. Uh, bad news, Cranky. DK... wasn"t at the pier. That numbskull! I'll bet he hasn"t even started setting up the fireworks, has he? No... but it gets worse. DK"s the master of ceremonies! Who"s gonna carry the Crystal Coconut? SKURVY: D'arrr. Pick me, pick me! I told you it got worse! Skurvy! What brings your skanky hide to Kongo Bongo? I come to claim me birthright. The Crystal Coconut! Isn"t there anything else you ever want, besides the Crystal Coconut? Y"aye, there be one thing I be wantin", even more than the Crystal Coconut, but even a pirate can"t have everything he wants... Now hand over the Crystal Coconut, or I"ll blow ya to bitties! At least he"s not stealing the presents! Thar be more booty? You wouldn"t dare. Aye, I would, "cause... ALL: Pirates be pure scum! Donkey Kong! I can"t believe I didn't think of this earlier. Everyone loves books, and King K. Rool has hundreds! What do you think would make a great gift, General Klump? How about a pair of gator galoshes with monkey fur linin"? "Cause that's what we" ll be if King K"rool finds out we've been snoopin" around in his personal library. [Gasping] Intruders! No, you invited me! No, on the island! BOTH: Pirates! The Crystal Coconut! Oh no! KLUMP: But it"s Festival of Lights Day, don"t they know about the truce? Yeah, but pirates don"t honour truces! BOTH: They be pure scum! Heaven only knows what I"ll be when King K. Rool finds out that the Crystal Coconut was stolen... By someone other than me! Not if you help me stop them! Where in boiled bananas have you been? Shopping? What? Everyone got me really great presents, so I just wanted all of your presents to be special, too! Well good for you, you knucklehead. In the meantime, Skurvy"s stolen all the presents, and the Crystal Coconut! What"ll we do, DK? Don"t worry, I've got an idea. Now I"m worried. But I"ll need his help. Howdy there, neighbours! Pond gack! Truce or no truce, hide the Crystal Coconut! Uh, it"s already stolen. Oh yeah, which reminds me... What are we all standing around for? I only see Kutlass and Green Kroc. [Loudly] What are we lookin" at? [Shushing] All you have to do is keep a lookout for Skurvy, Diddy and I will take care of the rest. Affirmative! Hip-hup! DIDDY: Shush, will ya?! [Quietly] Hip-hup, hip-hup, hip-hup... Looks like we be all done! Arr, what about the rest of the booty? What booty? DIDDY: That thar booty on the beach! Skurvy didn"t say nothin' about booty on the beach. You tink we should take it? DK AND DIDDY: Aye! "Cause you be pure scum! Arrr! BOTH: Arrr, that we be! [Diddy chuckling] Your plan is working, DK! Like I said, little buddy, nothing can go wrong. Oh, I could think of somethin... Huh? Your plan was as stinky as bilge water. What were ya thinkin"? That me mates would load the ship down with fireworks, then ye"d bargain for the Crystal Coconut by threatenin" to blow us to bits? Yep, that"s pretty much it. I be thankin" ya, 'cause ya saved me the trouble o" stealin' "em! At long last, the Crystal Coconut! It be the only booty I ever be truly wantin"! I thought there was something else you were searching for. Aye. It be me long lost brother. ♪ Whenever you"re sad ♪ ♪ And lonely as can be ♪ Just remember me ♪ Your big brother, Skurvy >> Arr. Now where have I heard that before? Set sail for shark-infested waters. I wanna finish these land-lubbers off! I am bound, by loyalty to my superior, to fight till the death, to retrieve the Crystal Coconut. BOTH: Fight to the death? Even pirates don"t fight to the death. Yeah, well, I admit I"ve never actually had to fight to the death, but I"m bound by lizard law to say it. But I have blown things to bits, so hand over the Crystal Coconut, ya scum-sucking seadog. Who"re you calling a scum-sucking seadog, you scum-sucking swamp-sucker! Why you little trent-toed... I"ll skin ya for shark bait, y'overweight land-lubber! Hah! Are these two of the biggest goofus-doofuses you"ve ever laid eyes on, or what? Yeah, it"s pretty sad. Sad! That"s it! What are ya talking about? The poem. ♪ Whenever you"re sad ♪ ♪ Lonely as can be ♪ Just remember me ♪ Your big brother, Skurvy Arrr. ♪ Whenever you"re sad ♪ ♪ Lonely as can be ♪ Just remember me ♪ Your big brother, Skurvy Yeah, that"s it! That"s the last line! But how did you know the endin"? How did ye know it at all? Little brother! Big brother! Run for cover! Fireworks... >> They be me favourite... Mine too! That "s 'cause as a young" un, ye played with "em, and set the swamps on fire, burnin" us outta house and home. I did? I did! I remember now, and then... and then you... You took the blame for me! I was run outta the swamps faster than you could say "“Get outta here, ya little arson dirt-bag."” Why d"ya think I went off to sea to become a pirate? Ya silly seadog. You did all that for me? That"s what family's for. CRANKY: Well, DK, it"s not the way I would have done it, I gotta admit, this is the best Kongo Bongo Festival of Lights Day ever... Yeah, but all of the presents got blown up. Now we have nothing to celebrate Festival of Lights Day with! Today isn"t about presents, it"s about being with family. That must be what Inka Dinka Doo was trying to tell me. "“Look into the heart of your enemy to discover the greatest gift of all!"” And the greatest gift of all is spending time with family and friends. Yeah, even villains need family. CRANKY: Speaking of which, I wonder what K. Rool thinks of his new house-guests! [Chuckling] SKURVY: Arrr, the sea was angry that day, brother, and so was the great white I be fightin" off... A day I remember well. [Crashing] That shark be the biggest, meanest, ugliest thing ye ever set yer eyes on! I dunno... once King K. Rool had a goitre the size of a watermelon. It was pretty darn-near the ugliest thing I"ve ever seen. [Laughing] General Klump, what is going on? King K. Rool, you"ll never believe it! I found my family! Skurvy here"s my long-lost brother! If you think this low-life, mooching scally-wag scum of a brother of yours is staying here, you are sadly mistaken, Klump. No, sir! He"s not stayin'. I"m leavin'! What?! I"m gonna become a seadog! BOTH: Pure scum! You"re not leaving! I forbid it! Says you. Don"t point that thing at me. I"ll skin you with my teeth, you over-stuffed piece of shark bait! Who ya callin" over-stuffed, ya ten-ton lard-back lump o" pond scum? I can"t believe it. They... they"re fightin'! Over me! K. ROOL: Listen here, you uneducated saltwater swabby scab! SKURVY: Ye should know, ya bulgy-eyed bookworm! K. ROOL: You thick-headed tadpole! This is the best Festival of Lights Day ever! You good-for-nothing, slimy sack of scum-sucking scourge! Hey, leave my mother outta this. Brainless buccaneer. Whale bait! Beefy-tongue. Blubber butt! Vile vermin. Pond-toothed pond gack! Malfunctioning twit! Bilge rat! Slimy-skinned bottom-feeder! Yellow-bellied land-lubber! You useless newt! Diseased ruffian! ♪ |