 "I wouldn't be seen dead in an article like this one!"
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Act 1[]
When I begin my magnanimous reign as rightful ruler of Kongo Bongo, it is imperative that my forces be prepared, and in peak physical condition. We'll be ready, willing, and able, sir. Ouch. Uh... >> To that end, I have prepared a painstaking fitness test. Pain. Steak.
Mmm, yummy. Silence! It will last for exactly one hour. You'll begin with jumping jacks. Who's Jack? ♪ Feel the power Feel the power. ♪ Feel the burn Feel the burn! Stretch, two, three, four. Bend, two, three, four. Kick, two, three, four. Lift, two, three, four. ♪ When you're tired of feelin' weak ♪ ♪ Just get on up and move your feet ♪ ♪ Feel the power ♪ Feel the burn ♪ All you got to do ♪ Is bend yourself in two ♪ Feel the power ♪ Feel the burn ♪ All you got to do ♪ Is bend yourself in two ♪ Work your body, come on ♪ Pump it up, it won't take long ♪ ♪ When you're tired of feelin' weak ♪ ♪ Just get on up and move your feet ♪ ♪ Feel the power [Beeping] Sheesh! Back to level three, again! [DK yawning] I gotta tell ya, Diddy. Guarding the Coconut is hard work. Yeah, real hard. Yeesh. And it works up an appetite. I could sure go for a banana. You just had a dozen bananas. Well, then I could go for a nap. [Beeping] Oh, this is good. I wish I could sleep for ever. [Explosion] [Diddy shouting] [Birds shrieking] Uh-oh. That's odd. Oh, well. I'll worry about it after my break. What happened? Some thing's wrong. I smell money not being made. The machinery just stopped. [Gasping] But... but... Every second this line is down costs me money! We have to get it going again. I'm on my break. It can't be time for your break. The clock must be wrong. Ow! You can't expect to be paid for a never ending break just because the... [Candy whistling] [Bluster gasping] I'll be ruined! I'll be glad to discuss it with you. [Candy giggling] After my break. Care for some tofu? Ah, the rare flora dora orchid, and today's the one day a year that you bloom, for five seconds, when the sun is in exactly that position. Say cheese. That's it, work with me. I only have five seconds. See you next year, my pretty. Hey, how come you're still here? Wait a minute. The sun should have shifted. Great jumping bananas! The sun's not moving! That can't be good. ♪ Feel the burn [Grunting] What was that? Permission to have a stroke, sir. Permission denied! You've got... One hour to go? Oh, don't you feel healthy already? ♪ Feel the burn >> Now, carry on. Yo, DK! Hello in there! Hey, big buddy. Nap time's over. Rise and shine. Wakey, wakey. [DK snoring] Ooh. Bah, at least the Coconut is safe. Ah! Hmm, the sun stopped moving, none of these clocks are working. Donkey Kong! It's not his fault, Cranky, honest. He didn't do any thing. He just had a nap, which is normal, except now he won't wake up, which isn't. What are we gonna do? Hmm. Oh, feel the burn. Two, three, four. Push, two, three, four. Two... Three... [Krusha snoring] ♪ When you're tired and feelin' weak ♪ ♪ Just get on up and move your feet ♪ Not the face! Huh? Oh, time seems to have stopped. So has the sun. That would certainly explain why those unfit misfits are so exhausted. Brilliant as I am, surely I'm not the only one who's noticed this. Hmm, let's just see. The big ape is out like a light! You said what to the Coconut? Okay, I was trying to finish level three of my game when DK complained about how hard it was to guard the Coconut, then he said he wanted a banana. I said he already had a dozen. Then he said he'd settle for a nap. Then he said he wished he could sleep for ever, and I wish that I could win my game, and... Hang on a second. Back up. DK said what? That guarding the Coconut was hard work. And then? I messed up and went back to level three. DK said he wanted a nap. Diddy, this is important. How did he say it, exactly? He said "Mmm, this is good. I wish I could sleep for ever." Oh, I think I like where this is going. I knew it had to be him. Even when he takes a nap, he gets us all in trouble. It's some kind of crazy spell. That sounds bad, but lucky for us, you know how to wake the big guy up, right Cranky? Hmm. I said right, Cranky? It would be lucky if I did know how. You mean, he could sleep for ever? Well, well. It seems the big ape has gone for the big sleep, which just goes to show if you snooze, you lose. The Crystal Coconut, that is. [K. Rool laughing] How to get to sleep spells, how to stay asleep spells, how to put your mother-in-law to sleep spells. Urgh, I can't find any thing on how to get time moving again, or on how to wake up sleeping beauty, here. I know what can wake him up. Hey, guys. [DK snoring] Diddy, what are you doing? I was just trying to wake him up. DK's under a spell. The Crystal Coconut has some how halted time, and put Donkey Kong in a deep sleep. Oh, that explains what happened at Bluster's, and why I'm still on a paid banana break, and why I'm so tired. This napping knucklehead is hard enough to wake up at the best of times! Wakey, wakey! I can see I have my work cut out for me. Well, that's the last of them, and nothing. Not one clue how to break the spell! And if DK never wakes up, well he can't very well protect the Crystal Coconut in his dreams. Don't worry, Cranky. He'll wake up if he knows what's good for him. Wake up! ♪ Wake up, Donkey Kong ♪ Wake uh-uh-uh-up ♪ Wakey, wakey, wakey ♪ Rise and shine ♪ Up and at 'em ♪ Wake up, wake uhh-up ♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up ♪ ♪ Wake up, wake up, DK ♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake uhh-up ♪ ♪ Wake up >> You're sleeping like a stone! Wake up, you useless bag of bones! ♪ Wake up [Whistle blowing] ♪ Wake up [Trumpet blaring] ♪ Wake up, you fools ♪ Wake up ♪ Wake up, wake up, wake up ♪ Wakey, wakey, rise and shine ♪ I'm about to lose my mind ♪ Wake up ♪ Wake up [Krusha grumbling] Huh, what? All ya get is, uh... name, rank, and serial number... [Klump snoring] At ease, you gutless geckos. Now, listen closely. While you were catching 40 winks, I was working my brain cells to the bone, hatching the most ingeniously cunning plan. [Klump yawning] Permission to close both eyes while I'm listening, sir. Denied! Even brain challenged bozos like you must have noticed that time has stopped. Well, that's a relief, sir. I thought my watch was broken. Oh, does... does this mean I can stay up late? Oh, never mind. But there's even better news. Donkey Kong, that siesta-ing simian, is under a spell. He can't wake up, which makes the Crystal Coconut ripe for the picking! Understood, sir. I'll... initiate, uh... operation... ripe for the picking, sir. With, uh, Donkey Kong decommissioned, grabbin' the Coconut will be a piece of cake. Ooh, ooh, we get cake, too? Oh, boy. Never mind. DIDDY: "That's far enough!" What? He's supposed to be sleepin'. "What do you want?" Oh, coconut pancakes. Uh, what the private means is, uh... [Yawning] We were out on manoeuvres, ya see, and got a little hungry for coconut cake and, well, I... I guess we got our coordinates mixed, uh... up. "Nice try, ya lyin' lizard. You're here to snatch the Crystal Coconut." Yes, please. Oh, no, no, no. Don't listen to this dimwit. "You're makin' me angry." About face and retreat, troops! [Shouting] Cranky, now! [Yelling] Phewf. That was close. Couldn't have done it without ya, big buddy. [Diddy chuckling] They'll be back for the Coconut, trust me. We fooled those two brain cramped barnacles for now, but that still doesn't break DK's spell. There must be some thing we can... [Yawning] Do. Do! That's it. Why didn't I think of it before? Think of what, Cranky? The Inka Dinka Doo! He'll know the answer. Diddy, you and Donkey Kong are taking a little trip. Huh? [Jungle birds calling] Yoo-hoo. Inka Dinka Doo! I know you're probably wondering why we dropped in uninvited and all, but we have an Inka Dinka doozy of a problem, here. [Rumbling] To break the spell. The spell. Bingo. Right on the nose first guess. Boy, you sure do know every thing. I bet you're the smartest idol any where. That's why we're sure we can count on... Quiet! I could do that. See? Zip. [MUFFLED] Throw away the key. To wake the ape, and move the sun in the sky, you must plant a kiss from the apple in his eye. Huh? Well, that makes no sense. Could you repeat that, just so we've got it right? [Inka shouting] Never mind. I think I got it. [Klump yawning] Permission to, uh, relay intelligence and information, sir. Intelligence. Now, there's a misnomer if I've ever head one. Where is my coconut? Uh, the big monkey wouldn't release it, sir. And we said please. Are you totally incompetent? How hard can it be to take a coconut from a sleeping monkey? Oh, but he was as awake as a... as... [Yawning] You or, uh... I, sir. Awake? He seems to be asleep now. There, ya see? He's off in the Land of Nod, helpless as a puppy. Want us to, uh... go back, sir? No. I think this time we'll all go. Oh, taking that coconut from a drowsy Donkey Kong sounds like too much fun to miss. [K. Rool cackling] I don't get it. [Klump giggling] Now I get it. [Krusha laughing] [K. Rool growling] Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I've gotta tell ya, big buddy. When you wake up, you gotta start cutting back on your banana intake. When he wakes up... Diddy, what did the Inka Dinka Doo say? It said some thing about apples, and DK's eye. That doesn't make sense. What were the exact words? Uh, wake the ape... Uh, move the sun and the sky... Plant a kiss, oh... From the apple in his eye. Kind of makes a nice greeting card, don't ya think? Apple of his eye. It means the person he's in love with, silly, and I think the answer to that should be obvious. It sounds crazy, but so is every thing else that's happened today. Might as well give it a try. Yeah, good thinking. [DK snoring] Maybe it has to be on the lips. Good idea, Diddy. DK will be so mad when he finds out he slept through this. [Lips smacking] It looks like your kisses aren't the right ones, Candy. Guess you're not the apple of his eye. Well, that's the last kiss you're gettin' from me, Mr. Donkey Kong. Go on, lay one on him. DIDDY: Do I have to? Every one on the island has kissed him, and so will you! Just do it. [DK snoring] Next! I don't have time for this nonsense. Every second my factory's stopped, I'm kissing away a fortune. Well, try kissing that instead. Must I? I don't normally kiss on the first date. If you hope to have your factory start running again, yes! Oh, dear. [Bluster sputtering] [DK mumbling] [DK snoring] Ew. Lucky he was asleep for that. I could try again, after I practice with Candy for a bit. [Bluster chuckling] [Air deflating] [Munching] Oh, how can you eat at a time like this? Tired or mad, you still gotta eat. If it makes you feel any better, he didn't respond to any of our kisses either. [Cranky yawning] There's got to be a twist to what the Inka Dinka Doo said. I guess I'm just too tired to see it. Shh! Cranky, come here. [Klump yawning] It's just as we reported before. Subject is wide awake, sir. Muttering marsh gas. It appears that dozing Donkey Kong is actually awake. So how does it feel talking to your ex-girlfriend, you big baboon? Keep going. They're still there, just watching. I don't know how long I can keep this up. Klump, the super close up pair. Uh, try mine, sir. Never mind. Hmm, very interesting. Yes, just as I thought. For an unevolved species, they're clever. But not as clever as King K. Rool! Donkey Kong is asleep at the switch. Oh, how much longer do we have to keep doing this? Just till those repulsive reptiles get bored and go home. Oh, that's not very kind of you, Cranky. K. Rool! Just dropped by to chat with my good buddy Donkey Kong. [K. Rool laughing] DIDDY: "Step back, swamp boy." Ooh, swamp boy, eh? Is that the best you could come up with? "I'm a little tired, that's all." Oh, believe me. I understand. You do look a little sluggish, and your colour is a little off, too. In fact, you look... How do you say? Oh, yes. Comatose. "Oh, yeah." Oh, I mean, uh... "Pay no attention to the monkey behind the monkey." Look, boys. Baboon boy junior was putting on a little puppet show. [Chuckling] Oh, button it. What do you want, K. Rool? Must you ask? Really, Cranky, I expected better of you. The Crystal Coconut is coming home with me, the new commander and chief of Kongo Bongo, and there's nothing you tiresome primates can do about it. [Candy gasping] Boys, claim my jewel. Not so fast, bayou breath. Ooh, he's a tough little monkey. Battle stations! Incomin'! [Krusha laughing] Banana slamma'! Woo, yeah! I got him, I got him. No, I don't got him. [Klump grunting] Over there. Jump him! DIDDY: Take that, and that! What a breathtaking display of buffoonery. End this now, or you'll end up as matched sets of luggage! [Klump moaning] [Diddy laughing] Look at me! I did it! Little old me, I saved the Coconut! Charming sentiment, you pathetic pee-wee. But I'll be taking custody of the Coconut from here on. [DK yawning] [DK snoring] [K. Rool shouting] Sir, look out! I can't see! There's apples in my eyes. [Klump shouting] [Lips smacking] Oops. K. Rool had apples in his eyes. That's what the spell meant. [K. Rool sputtering] [DK yawning] DIDDY: He's back. [K. Rool gasping] Uh-oh. This wasn't what I anticipated. Banana slamma'! [Rumbling] [Clock ticking] [Bells ringing] Hey, the clocks are moving again. Hmm, this is not quite what I was expecting. Let's see, where were we? Oh, right. Banana slamma'! [Shouting] [K. Rool whistling] Thanks so much for the visit. I had a simply marvellous time, but I really must be going. In that case, let me show you the door. [K. Rool yelling] [K. Rool groaning] [Shouting] Leaving so soon? Too bad. But Candy, you know I would've responded to your kisses if I wasn't sleeping like a baby! I'm awake now. You could try again. Aw, go on, Candy. Give him a break. He did cause all this trouble, but the big lug also saved the Crystal Coconut. Oh, all right. [Candy gasping] What did I do? Oh, DK, speak to me! Gotcha! [All laughing] ♪ |