 "Now, off you go!! See if you can't finish this ridiculous article without my help!"
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Act 1[]
DONKEY KONG: We"re all dressed up with somewhere to go. Looking forward to the Kongo Bongo Karaoke Cruise, Candy? Am I? I"ve been waiting months for this. I can"t remember the last time I had you all to myself, Donkey Kong. Come on, Candy. I"m yours 24 hours a day. That is when you can squeeze me in between guarding your
It"s not that bad, Candy. Besides, I"m here now. And we"ve got the whole afternoon. That sounds like a promise. Pucker up, big boy. And let"s seal it with a... No time for any of that oochie-coochie-smoochie stuff. Cranky? You know the drill. But I... The only "Butt" is the one you"re getting over to my place, now. This is an emergency. Whoops. Sorry, Candy, got to go. You understand. Obviously, you don"t. Candy, please, it"s my duty as future ruler of Kongo Bongo. I"ll be back before you know it. I"m going to have Klump's hide for a new pair of boots. He"s bringing me the fastest cart. And he"s still late. Maybe he got the big hand and the little hand on the clock mixed up. I do. But then telling time... Like most things for you, Krusha... is as difficult as trying to calculate what day it is. Uhh, Tuesday? Oh, oh, oh, Saturday? I"ll admit Klump is a lunkhead. But you, Krusha, you redefine the term. [Cart approaching] Halt! [Thumping] You lunkhead! I want a full damage report. Well, a few scratches, couple of missing scales, one heck of a goose egg. Not Krusha, you newt, my cart. Right, and it wasn"t easy for me to find that cart either, lunkhead. KRUSHA: And obviously, even more difficult for you to control. Yeah, good thing it"s got some decent bra... Huh? No matter, a momentary distraction. I assure I am rapt with attention. I believe you were elaborating on your brilliant plan for bringing Kongo Bongo to its patellas. Hey, watch your mouth. Uhh, that would be "Knees". If it would please Your Majesty to continue... You"re certain the details won"t bore you? Oh, quite the contrary, my lord. Well, I certainly don"t mind this turn of events. What kind of a sissy salute is that? DONKEY KONG: "A false alarm"? You mean the Crystal Coconut is safe? King K. Rool"s not after it? Guarding the Coconut is your responsibility, Donkey Kong. It has the power to make you ruler of Kongo Bongo. Until that day comes, you are to watch over it day and night. Right. And I"m only a hologram away. And please, Cranky, no more false alarms. [Krusha laughing] "If you can" t beat them, join them, then beat them" is what I always say. [Laughing] Oh, I can"t tell you how stimulating it is to have someone almost as smart as myself to talk to. Huh? I"m sure you will be able to see the sheer genius of my new plan. Not the Candy Clone. Last time we deployed her, everything blew up in our faces. Modifications have been made. Let"s go for a ride, you big ape. See? A perfect Donkey Kong bait. Let"s go for a ride, you big ape. [Electronics fizzling] She"ll lure him into my fastest mining cart. And, without brakes, he"ll be stuck racing around Kongo Bongo while I march in and take the Crystal Coconut. Cute. "Cute"? Oh, it"s cunning and all that, but like all your plans and attempts, not nearly ruthless enough to ensure complete and absolute success. Purely a hypothesis, totally unfounded, I"m sure. All right, one more word and you"ll be answering to me. Back off, you militant mutant. He"s just hypothesizing. Oh, yeah, well, as long as he"s just, uhh, hypothesizing. No harm in hypothesizing. After all, hypothesizing never hurt, umm... ROOL: Get the bait, Klump! Yes, sir, King K. Rool, sir. Let"s go for a ride, you big ape. Patience, my dear. I"m seeing to it that Donkey Kong has the ride of his life. KLUMP: He"s coming! Target"s coming! I hear him! Donkey Kong"s on his way! Everything"s set. I"ve taken care of everything. Ah, yeah. Clone positioned, brakes disabled, light blinking. "Light blinking"? What in Sam Hill is that? As I said, I"ve taken care of everything. [Rustling] Quick, hide. [Laughing] It would appear that Donkey Kong has shrunk. Wow, Candy. I can"t believe you grabbed one of K. Rool"s mining carts. Let"s go for a ride, you big ape. Cool. What do you say, Dix? You okay, Candy? You sound funny. Those miniature monkeys are going to ruin everything unless... Ah! Ah, Klump! Come on, Dix! No! No, wait! Come back! I was only trying to scare "em off. But you didn"t expect them to take the cart, did you, smarty pants? What am I going to report to King K. Rool? Oh, that you just botched his plan. [Groaning] But you certainly haven"t botched mine. [Laughing] DIDDY: DK! Check it out! Candy? What"s she doing riding around with Diddy and Dixie? What about the cruise? [DISTORTED]: Let"s go for a ride, you big ape. Let"s... I knew something wasn"t right, Dids. Make that two things, Dixie. There"s no brakes. We"re in a runaway cart! Ah! ROOL: You botched my entire plan? Well, I... I wouldn"t put it that way. But everybody else would. Now how am I supposed to secure the Crystal Coconut and use its power to proclaim my dominance over Kongo Bongo Island? You"re not. What did you say? You will never succeed. ♪ I like evil, lovely evil ♪ I like evil so much, I could scream ♪ ♪ There"s so much joy in planning my next diabolical scheme ♪ [Laughing] ♪ Look at all the weak fools not caring an ounce ♪ ♪ When they least expect it, I"ll creep up and pounce, yes, pounce ♪ You see, K. Rool, it"s no wonder your plans never work for you. ♪ You must love evil, delicious evil ♪ ♪ My heart is blacker than nightfall and then ♪ ♪ You must be ruthless enough to dislike and deceive all your friends ♪ [Groaning] ♪ Look at all the hollow ones sitting on the fence ♪ ♪ Commit yourself to evil, success is so intense ♪ ♪ Intense ♪ I like evil ♪ I like evil ♪ I love evil Evil. I"ve salvaged your limp plan by adding my own special touch. I"ve rigged an explosive device to the cart. If the cart stops, boom. If it stops, "Boom"? Actually, it"s more like "Boom!" But Donkey Kong"s not even in the cart, just those two little kids. You still don"t see the genius of it, do you, huh? Oh, never mind. Let"s just go collect my Coconut, Klump. Your Coconut? Any recollection of why I"m referred to as "Krusha"? [Nervous laughing] You heard him, Klump. Go get his... Coconut. [Screaming] Well, there goes Candy, or whatever that was. Huh? Hey, Diddy, look. What"s this thingamajiggy? Whatever it is, forget it, Dixie. We have to find a way to stop this cart if it"s the last thing we do. Well, what do you know? Candy? Are you finished with your big emergency? It was a false alarm. You mean I missed the karaoke cruise for a false alarm? Maybe we can still make it. Besides, the question now is are you finished joyriding around with Diddy and Dixie? What are you talking about? What matters is we"re together. And nothing"s going to come between... Figures this is where I"d find you. Cranky, one false alarm"s enough for one day. Two fathead gators outside my door, is that a false alarm? Ooh, it"s for real! I got to go! And so do I! Get your claws off that Crystal, you reptilian rejects! Out collecting reinforcements, I gather. Forget reinforcements. Donkey Kong will be here any second. According to my calculations, more precisely: four, three, two, one... Banana slamma! Get your claws of that Crystal, you reptilian rejects! Such a shame you wasting precious moments dragging your knuckles about, harassing us, when all the while, your friends are riding around in a runaway cart, with no brakes. Diddy? Dixie? I have to stop that cart. I don"t think you want to do that. There"s an explosive device on it. Stop the cart and, uhh, boom. "Boom"? Boom! There, you see, Klump? I had it all planned right down to the last detail. But you didn"t expect him to take the Coconut, did you, smarty pants? [Groaning] [Birds chirping] There you are. Shh! Ooh, don"t shush me, Donkey Kong! And just what do you think you"re doing? Listening for the mine cart. Diddy and Dixie are in big trouble. You"re in big trouble too. I know. I"ll make it up to you. No, I mean the cart"s coming! Look out! [Thumping] I got it, DK! I got it! We can"t stop! Don"t stop! Why "Don"t stop"? Stop and they boom! "Boom"? A bomb? A bomb, boom! A boom, I mean! Ah! [Groaning] Maybe you should get off the tracks. Hand over the Coconut, you nitwits. Yeah? Blow it out your nose, newts. There"s a bomb on your cart! And there"s a bum in yours! Diddy, he"s right. That thingamajiggy... Is a bomb! [Screaming] We"ll never catch up to them in time, Donkey Kong. Just hang on, Candy. And leave it to me. Banana slamma! Cruel twist of fate, that underhanded, double-crossing, ruthless lizard Krusha has overthrown me, me, King K. Rool, the most underhanded, double-crossing, ruthless lizard ever! [Cart approaching] Coming back to gloat, I suppose? The Crystal Coconut! Whoever possesses it rules Kongo Bongo. And it won"t be Krusha if I can help it. Come back with my Coconut! Ah! [Crashing] Coveted orb of power now within my very grasp. I demand you stop this cart immediately and... Ooh, cart, bomb, stop, boom! "Stop, boom"? There they are, Donkey Kong. We"re coming, little buddy. [Crashing] [Screaming] Where"s Dix? Over here, Dids. You saved the Coconut! Way to go, Dix! Diddy! A-ha, after that Coconut. [Tires screeching] Rats, lost them again. What about King K. Rool? If that bomb goes off... Oh, quite whining. He"s disposable. The Coconut isn"t. King K. Rool! The bomb? Ha, so what do you two think of King Smarty Pants" plan now? Krusha"s the smart pants, not me. Well, admittedly, my stratagem has gone slightly awry. You mean your plan ain"t working! Huh, welcome to the club. Regardless, it"s still more ruthless and villainous than K. Rool"s sissy undertakings. "Undertakings"? Ha, now there"s a good choice of words. Stop! No! Go! Where"s DK? What are we doing out here? We have to go right to Bluster"s. "Bluster"s"? What about Diddy? The tracks will bring him out sooner or later. And we"ll be ready, I hope. First, the Coconut. Hey, Cranky! Huh? Throw it to him, Dixie. Catch! The Coconut! DIXIE: Cranky, get off the... [Thumping] Tracks. Sorry, Cranky, no time to stop. Guard the Coconut. Thanks. We"re almost at Bluster's. I think I know what you"re thinking, DK. It"s a long shot, Candy. But it"s Diddy's only hope. Will someone tell me? No time, Dixie. Just leave it to DK. And Candy. Ah! Quick, switch tracks back to the base. [Tires screeching] ROOL: Wait for me! It"s time for me to now demonstrate the sheer genius of my incredibly superior intellect by executing a brilliant new plan that will allow me to do the following: one, procure the Crystal Coconut, two, do away with those babbling baboons, three, take over the world. And, uhh, save King K. Rool from being blown to tiny bits? And save K. Rool from being blown to tiny bits. Ah! What, Krusha? What do we have to do? Uhh, is today Tues-turday? Oh! You sure picked a fine time for the light bulb to go dim, you lunkhead. I did? You did. It"s a pleasure to have you back, soldier. Now don"t just stand there. Go save the king. We"re going to the beach! Tracks end at the beach! If we hit the sand... We"ll come to a dead stop! [Crying] Hold on, little buddy! Bluster"s going to be steamed we took his barrelcopter. I"m going to be more steamed if I crash it. Little closer, DK! Come back! Don"t leave me! Sorry, K. Rool, no more room! Well, I suppose I"ll just have to go boom. [Panting] [Tires screeching] Huh, what do you know? A dud. Speaking of duds, even when granted the gift of genius, you"re still too empty-headed to make a bomb that goes boom. It"s boom-less! Back to dumb and dumber. [Explosion] Huh? So, look, Candy. I know we missed the karaoke cruise. And it seems that we can"t spend a moment together without me running off. ♪ You"re in line to be number one ♪ ♪ And everyone"s depending on you ♪ ♪ I must admit it"s getting kind of rough ♪ ♪ Waiting round and playing number two ♪ ♪ I have particular needs ♪ So why"d I have to fall for a hero? ♪ ♪ There ain"t nothing in the world that"s free ♪ ♪ You sacrifice to be all you can be ♪ ♪ I ain"t used to sitting round the tree ♪ ♪ But he"s worth having if you know what I mean ♪ ♪ Sometimes, I feel like I"m in the way ♪ ♪ But I know he"s out there saving the day ♪ ♪ I have particular needs ♪ So, why"d I have to fall for a hero? ♪ ♪ I"m not so hard to please ♪ ♪ So, why"d I have to fall for a hero? ♪ ♪ Hero, hero ♪ Why"d I have to fall for a hero? ♪ |