 "I wouldn't be seen dead in an article like this one!"
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Act 1[]
[Thundering] [Laughing] [Thundering] [Laughing] My creation, my lifelong work, it"s alive. It"s alive! It"s... amazing how smart he looks when he"s not flapping his gums. Perfect. All it needs now is an epitaph. Here stands Donkey Kong, protector of the Crystal Coconut and all around mindless, mega mouth monkey. Here I am, working my opposable
thumbs to the bone while that numbskull is stuffing his face. First of all, DK should be the one thinking up an epitaph. Second of all... Hey, now why didn"t I think of that before? Zip, zam, wham, boom, bam. Teleport me using a hologram. Ooh! What do you think you"re doing? Uhh, rubbing the sore spots? You"ll have a couple more if you don"t get your hide over to my cabin el pronto. I got a job for you. [Thundering] What the... Tripping on a major downer or what? You think that"s bad? You should see him when his dentures pinch. I meant my indoor surfing idea. It"s like a totally un-copacetic event. I thought you said there were games in here. All I can find is a bunch of junk, some wooden chips and a weird lamp. Those are games, dude, metaphysical ones: I Ching, ancient runes and the mystic oracle, a divining tool given to me by my late, great Uncle Spacey. "The mystic oracle"? What does it do? It predicts the future. A lamp that predicts the future? Ooh! Well, it needs cosmic translation from the Funky monkey. But that aside, it"s galactic-ly in tune. You could translate? Lava lingo is my speciality, dude. Well, what are you waiting for? Predict our futures. Solid. Let"s jam. ♪ Monkey seer, monkey do ♪ Mystic oracle, we summon you ♪ Make the scene groove on by ♪ Bless us with your cosmic eye ♪ [Thundering] Too cool! What does it say? The mystic oracle predicts I"m going to go surfing today and ride the lip of an epic wave. The only wave you"d catch today is a tidal wave. What about me? What does it say? The mystic oracle predicts that you are going to be flying high and tripping big on your new handle: the smartest monkey to ever live. Diddy? "The smartest monkey to ever live"? [Laughing] Ooh. Oh, man, now I know your lamp is broken. What does it say about DK? The mystic oracle predicts... bad scene. It says this cat"s going to be living lonely all week long. Your lamp couldn"t be more wrong, Funky. I"ve got a date with Candy every night this week. What do you say about that? I say I got to split "cause there"s an epic wave out there with my name on it. The mystic oracle"s prediction was right. It was just a coincidence, little buddy. No one can predict the future, not even the mystic oracle. "Mystic oracle"? I better report this back to the big cheese at HQ. This is Southern fried fritters to crusty crumpets. K. ROOL: Cut to the chase. And make it snappy. I"m in the middle of my peel and pumice bath. Sir, there"s an intruder on the island, some fellow who"s conspiring with the enemy, AKA, the apes. How so, Klump, AKA, twit? His name is the mystic oracle. He predicts the future. Continue surveillance. I want a full report. [Birds chirping] Hey, Dixie. What"s up? I was going to go fishing. But I broke my rod. No probs. It"s just a small break. I can fix it in a jiff. Oh. Ooh! You fixed it! You"re the smartest monkey to ever live. See you around, Diddy, DK. Did you hear that? She said I"m the smartest monkey to ever live! But she was probably sitting in the sun too long. That"s what the mystic oracle predicted. That"s two for two. It was just a lucky guess. Who in their right mind would predict that I"d be the smartest monkey to ever live. I can"t argue with that. But I still think it"s all a coincidence. Now come on. I got to get to Cranky"s before he gets his support hose in a knot. Run! Sounds like this mystic oracle is as smart as a tree full of owls. Ah, perfect hologram dismount. Ah! Hey, Cranky. What"s shaking? Cranky, you finished the statue! And it"s beautiful! I"m a chimp off the old block. I"ll chip your block right off if you don"t think of an epitaph. All right, new problem: uhh, what"s an epi-taffy? An epitaph, you numbskull. It"s a personal inscription for the statue. Oh, okay, sure. Ooh, ooh, maybe that"s part of the mystic oracle"s third prediction. What are you babbling about? Well, Funky has this lamp that makes predictions that come true. So what? I can predict too. You can? I predict both of you numbskulls will be leaving soon, before you drive me crazy! That epitaph better rock my world. I agree with Cranky. I think the mystic oracle"s a load of bunk. What about the predictions? Funky"s wave? And me being the smartest monkey to ever live? It also said I"d be one lonely dude. But I"m on my way to see... CANDY: Donkey Kong! Ooh! Candy. Am I ever glad I found you, DK. I have to cancel our date tonight. That"s fantastic! Break our date? But why? Bluster has a barrel promotion going on. I"m on double shifts all week. That"s fantastic! Look, I got to go. Sorry, DK. The mystic oracle was right. That"s three for three! What do you say now? How am I going to survive a whole week without seeing Candy? Hmm. Maybe we could ask the mystic oracle how to change your fate. What a great idea. Let"s go. Did you get all that, crusty cru... I mean King K. Rool? Yes. Klump, I want you to find this mystic oracle and bring him to me. With his divining power and my brain, we shall rule Kongo Bongo Island! [Laughing] [Birds squawking] Hey, Funky. We need another powwow with the mystic or a... Huh? Looks like he"s not here. He must still be surfing. Probably catching that epic wave. Now we can"t ask the mystic oracle about changing my fate with Candy. Sure we can. We don"t need Funky. But how are we going to do that celestial thingamajiggy and planetary whatchamacallit? No probs. I remember the spiel. I"ll show you. Turn the lamp on. ♪ Diddly-dee, diddly-do ♪ Mystic oracle, hello to you ♪ Check it out, swing on by ♪ Something, something, cosmic eye ♪ The lamp"s working. Ask it about me and Candy. Oh, mystic oracle, tell us how we can change the fate of this lowly, lonely loser DK. What"s it say? Oh, oh, oh, oh! It"s forming an image! A... A banana? Nope. A barrel, a big barrel, a really big barrel. I don"t get it. Shh, it"s moving. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Now it"s breaking up into smaller ones. Smaller barrels? That"s all it says, something about lots of barrels. Bluster"s Barrel Works! Tell us more! Tell us more! [Gasping] Wowee-wow! Did you see that? Yeah, cool. It just went kablooey. That"s it! We got to kablooey Bluster"s Barrel Works. Yeah! Say what? Somehow, we have to sabotage Bluster"s Barrel Works with bananas! "Bananas"? Count me in. It sounds perfect. Well then let"s hear it. Hear what? The epitaph! Uhh, yeah, it"s still a little rough. You"d better not be goofing off. Come on. Let"s go sabotage Bluster"s Barrel Works and see if that gets me a date with Candy. It can"t fail! The mystic oracle hasn"t been wrong yet. Whoa! [Crashing] [Groaning] A lamp? Yes, siree. It makes predictions. How in lizard"s name can it do that? Well, it needs a translator. But I"ve seen enough that I can wing it. ♪ Lizard see ♪ Lizard saw ♪ Mystic oracle [Scatting] ♪ Slither here, slither there ♪ Something, something, cosmic air ♪ ♪ Oh, mystic oracle ♪ Oh, mystic oracle ♪ Show me the power [Sighing] ♪ Mystic oracle, yo, baby ♪ Ooh ♪ Yo, baby Enough! Even I could summon the mystic oracle better than you lunkheads. ♪ Oh. Ready? All set. Let"s go. [Grunting] [Gears grinding] What in the world? Candy, why have you stopped working? Ah! What"ll we do? I"ll have to call in a repairman. You may as well take the rest of the week off. Great! Without pay. You"re a real jerk, Bluster. Yes, but a stinking rich one. Mm-hmm. DK, guess what. I"ve got the whole week off. That"s great. Looks like our date is on again. Oh, Candy, there"s nothing I"d rather be doing... Than writing an epitaph for my bronze statue. Are you serious? Yes. I get a whole week off. And you want a love fest with your statue? Just fine. I"ll make it up to you. I promise. So, where is it? I was, umm, in the middle of something really fantastic. Then you popped in and ruined my train of thought. If there is a train of thought in there, it"s been derailed for years. Now hurry up and stop goofing. Now I"ve ruined everything. Candy"s mad at me. Cranky"s losing his patience. And I still have to think of an epitaph for my statue. Maybe the mystic oracle can predict what the inscription should be. What a great idea. Let"s go back to Funky's and find out. That"s it! It says here that when calling upon gifted gurus, one must use style and panache. ♪ Kingly seer, kingly do ♪ Mystic oracle, I summon you ♪ Grace me, grant me, pop on by ♪ ♪ Enchant me with your cosmic eye ♪ [Grunting] Don"t just stand there! Help me! Deodorant, sir? Sweating like a dingo in the outback. Uhh, shouldn"t this be turned on. No, let me. Sir, your sweat"ll... >> Ah! Fry you like black eyed peas on a hot skillet. Clearly, you underestimated the necessity and skill of a mystic oracle translator. Uhh, yeah. None of the apes fried the way you did. Get me someone who"s linguistically adept in lamp lingo. Black flag bogus day on the surf. It just couldn"t get worse. Oh, yes, it can! Today was a total downer. Total downer, eh? Ehh, why? Check this, dudes. I was body whomping and getting ready to capitalize on this major wave. I was riding high, inside the barrel. Then, boof! "Boof"? The wave clam-shelled me. I was zip-locked. I had to bail. Next thing you know, I was diving for pearls, total eclipse, full kick out. You dig? Bummer, soldier, makes it twice as tough for me to lay this kidnapping deal on you. That"s cool, dude. It"s not your fault my vibes are "frequenced" to the max and tripping in the red. Right, well... I hope Funky doesn"t mind us using his lamp like this. The lamp, it"s gone! But who"d want to steal the lamp? Lizards! I don"t get it. Why would K. Rool want the mystic oracle? Why wouldn"t he? It predicts the future. It"s the ultimate power. But he wouldn"t even know how to use it without Funky. Oh no! They stole the lamp and kidnapped Funky! General Klump, force that Funky monkey to predict my future. Sir, if I may? The enemy has had a rough day. He had to fully bail on this wave that was thought to be epic. And now he"s tripping on some heavy downer time. So, I was wondering if... if you could cut him some slack. He"s just trying to relax and... and relate right now. Make him tell me my future or else you won"t have one. It"s cool. Let"s jam. He"s going to make a scene and jam. Hang loose. I"ll hang your hide out to dry if you don"t knock it off. I can"t work my magic around all this bad karma. Listen, you little weirdo. Start jamming or the next epic wave you see will be in the sewers of my dungeon! Dig it? When I get home, I got to do some major chakra cleansing. That surfing bail totally whacked out my aura. [Snapping] Come on. Make it snappy. ♪ Monkey seer ♪ Monkey do ♪ Mystic oracle ♪ We summon you ♪ Make the scene ♪ Groove on by ♪ Bless us with your cosmic eye ♪ Yo, kick it. It"s working! What does it say about my future? The mystical oracle predicts that... Yes? The slimy dude will get exactly what he deserves. Did you hear that? I"m going to get what I deserve! [Laughing] I"m going to be the king of Kongo Bongo Island. Hey, pond gack! I demand that you release my friend. Oh, yes, fine, fine. The Funky monkey can go. Shoo. Skedaddle. It"s been real. Ditto, dude. Hey, Funk man. Let me do you a solid. Take my wheels. Right on. Later, dude. What was that about? I don"t know. But let"s not go there. And I"m taking the lamp too. "The lamp"? Oh, yes, fine. Take the lamp. You see, I"m going to be the future ruler of Kongo Bongo Island. In your dreams, pond gack. Oh, no, in reality. The mystic oracle said so. "The mystic oracle said so"? Negative, dudes. What? You said the mystic oracle predicted that I"d be king of Kongo Bongo! Negative, skanky villain dude. I said you"d get what you deserve. Yes, but that means... The lamp! Stop them, you halfwits! Klump, wait for me! [Wheels screeching] [Wheels screeching] Bye-bye! Bingo! Gotcha! Yes! Ah! [Crashing] [Grunting] [Laughing] DK, look out! [Wheels screeching] [Sighing] [Wheels screeching] Hand over the lamp or it"s hasta la vista, baby! I say give him the lamp, DK. What"s the worst he can do? [Laughing] I will have supreme power over you Neanderthal throwbacks. With the mystic oracle at my fingertips, I shall know everything there is to know before it happens. Mark my words. You will never, ever get the better of me again. That doesn"t sound too good. [Laughing] Neither does your alternative. Uhh, can I have a last request? Fine. Ask the lamp anything you wish. Good thinking, DK. You going to ask what your epitaph should be? Nope. I want to ask Funky permission to get rid of the lamp. Do you mind? No. It wasn"t accurate anyway. I never did catch that epic wave. No! Oh! What did you do that for? I realized too much knowledge is a dangerous thing, little buddy. Klump! Krusha! Whoa! The mystic oracle was right again. It predicted King K. Rool would get what he deserves. Yeah, but it was wrong about Funky"s prediction. He never did catch that epic wave. Negative, dudes. It doesn"t get more epic than this. Whoa! A totally mind-blowing experience! Whoa! [Laughing] The mystic oracle was right again. I don"t know if the mystic oracle can predict the future or not, little buddy. But I do know one thing. It"s a lot more fun to be in charge of your own fate. Hey, that"s it. What"s it? My epitaph. Okay, I"ve had it. Do you have an epitaph or not? Here stands Donkey Kong, ruler of Kongo Bongo Island, local hero, protector of the Crystal Coconut and a monkey in charge of his own fate. Hey, kind of rocks my world. Way to go, Donkey Kong. Banana slamma! [Lizards screaming] Well, you don"t need a mystic oracle to know that"s got to hurt. [Laughing] ♪ |