 "You have to do better than that! Still got you beat, hunh?! "
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Act 1[]
DK: Yes, sirree, little buddy. What could be better than a day of fishing? How about actually catching a fish? Whoa, I"ve got something. It"s a big one. It"s a... Whoa! [Crashing] Bottle. I already caught my limit of bottles for today. It"s got something inside.
A message. DK, it"s for you! Really? "On behalf of the Federation of Future Rulers, you, Donkey Kong, have been elected future ruler of all Future Rulers. We would like you to report for your five-year term at head office tomorrow." Tomorrow? Diddy, they want me to leave Kongo Bongo! Jeepin" jungleberries! CRANKY: Donkey Kong, I might"ve known you'd be wasting time instead of... DK: Cranky, look what I got. I see. It"s a real honour, DK. When the Federation of Future Rulers calls, you gotta answer. I do? This is good news! And there"s even more! Every time a future ruler leaves for a big promotion, he gets a farewell banquet. Really? How often does this happen? You"re the first. Get ready to be humbled and embarrassed, big buddy. Why, is there food on my face? No, DK. It"s showtime! [Clapping] I guess we all know why we"re here today. You said there were fireworks, Dids. You bribed me. Free food! Today we"re bidding the big adios to one of our own, which reminds me of a story. [Booing] Sheesh, just trying to warm up the crowd here. We"re warm enough, now sit down! Okay. Well, between you and me, our first speaker leaves me a little cold. [Chuckling] Please welcome Eddie the Mean Old Yeti! [Clapping] Eddie say, Donkey Kong cool, and Eddie the Yeti know from cool. [Crowd laughing] Hey, how"d he get laughs? I"m dying out there. Eddie the Yeti and I had lots of laughs together. Right, Ed? I remember... [Laughing] Me Eddie the Mean Old Yeti. Me cranky. [Shouting] What? Got ya! No charge for delivery. BLUSTER: Lunch break is over, it"s time to get to work. Well, maybe not that many laughs. Bye bye, monkey. Eddie sadder than when he had bad case of freezer burn. And now, I give you my good friend Funky. Donkey dude, our karma has collided and our vibes have always twanged on the same wavelength. CROWD: Huh? I think he"s saying that we"ve been through a lot together. [Screaming] DIDDY: There it is! Yeah, I see it! Cool, I"ll splash you down right next to the ship. [Screaming] Bummer. Ride that curve! Whoa, bananas overboard! DIDDY: We"re flying upside down! Chill, Phil. [Screaming] Whoa, surf"s up, dude! DIDDY: Duck! Don"t stop! Keep moving! Let your body do the brainwork! Whoa, looking like roadkill now, baby. At least, that"s what I thought he said. You read me like... like a runaway wave, Donkey dude. Like I always say... The karmic tide is high, dude. The cosmos is singin" and good vibes are frequent to the max! Oh, yeah! ♪ Kick back and have a zone out ♪ ♪ Copasetic glide-by leaving you with no doubt ♪ ♪ No need to wig, you dig? ♪ It"s a hardcore, full-tilt chillable gig ♪ ♪ My body"s in sync, my mind is on auto-cruise ♪ ♪ Now, all I got to do is tune into my inner voice ♪ ♪ All those negative vibes burn me out ♪ ♪ So, I decided to just chill and clock some zees ♪ ♪ Everything was copasetic ♪ And I thought I"d try a little barrel roll ♪ ♪ And out rolled the barrel Heavy. ♪ What goes around comes around ♪ ♪ You better flex and move to correct ♪ ♪ Or I"m bettin' you are regrettin" ♪ ♪ I have cosmic jurisdiction to assign mantras ♪ ♪ But before I can do that ♪ You dudes"ll need a major cosmic cleansing ♪ ♪ And total clearing of the chakras ♪ ♪ The babes went cruisin" with what you"re losin' from the second you made the scene ♪ Gee, Funky, I"m touched. Unless I should be insulted. [Laughing] [Clapping] DIDDY: Our next speaker needs no introduction other than the words "Show me the mummsy." [Chuckling] I... I mean "money." Sorry, Bluster. Yes, I"m rich and powerful and handsome, it"s true. And yet, I wonder where I"d be without my friend Donkey Kong. It"s obvious you need my big-business knowhow to make your little Coconut Chill operation a real success. You can"t paddle the canoe halfway, you can"t go up the stairs without coming back down. DIDDY: What? The bigger you think, the bigger big shot you become, and the more you"ll impress Candy. Oh, Candy! Oh, look, it"s Donkey Kong, this year"s poster boy for lame ideas. I"m the boss, and the boss says... ♪ Ninety-one banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 91 banana bunches Help! Help! [Chuckling] In any event, Donkey Kong, I"d like to think that when you"re gone I can, in some small way, fill your shoes. I am a remarkable specimen. Candy, Candy, Candy! Who"s the handsomest, bravest ape on all of Kongo Bongo? That"s easy, I go out with him! It"s Donkey Kong! What"s he got that I don't? I"ve got a barrel factory, I've got a... barrel factory. Bluster! BLUSTER: Hey, Candy, what do you say? Huh? [Screaming] Yeah, baby, take a good look. So, will you go out with me now? Now, how do I get you to tell me how to get Candy to love me? A love potion? One pinch of banana root sent straight from my heart. I"m offering you the opportunity of a lifetime, the opportunity to become Mrs. Bluster the Benevolent. Rejected. Watching my figure. Don"t bother, I'm watching it for ya. Hey! She"s the gorilla of my dreams. If only I could get her away from... What do you see in this big hairy ape? Well, he"s... uh... well... >> Yes? Well, he"s... he's a big hairy ape! And you"re not! Ouch. That"s better. That was my flashback! How"d he do that? Hey, Diddy, is it my turn yet? Well, this is where I was gonna do my musical tribute to DK... [Booing] But that can wait. I give you, Miss Candy Kong. [Whistling] Poor kid, she"s gonna really miss me. Donkey Kong, I"d just like to say that you"re appointment as future ruler of the Future Rulers is... Here it comes. CANDY: The best thing that could ever of happened to you. Huh? Come on, Candy, you"ll miss my kisses. Figures this is where I"d find ya. Cranky! You"ll always be my coconut chill. CRANKY: Well, at least we know the Crystal Coconut is safe for a week or two. How do you know that, Cranky? You know, I really liked your song, Donkey Kong. Yeah? Well, there"s a whole lot more verses. Wanna hear "em, Candy? CANDY: Later. Right now... >> BLUSTER: No! Hey! Fear not, Donkey Kong, I"ll save you. Pucker up, big boy, and let"s seal it with a... >> No time for any of that hoochie-coochie-smoochie stuff. BOTH: Cranky! You know the drill. But I... >> The only "butt" is the one you"re getting over to my place. Now! [Clapping] That"s not gonna happen this time. ROOL: What"s the meaning of this? DK: King K. Rool? How dare you have a going-away party for Donkey Kong and not invite moi. I demand to be part of this banquet. Well, it is a party. Sure, you can come, if you behave. DIDDY: And now, our next speaker is... Bananas? Is that all there is to eat? No loot bags? Excuse me, but if you don"t have anything to add to the proceedings... Well, if that"s the case, then permission to speak openly? DIDDY: But... but... KLUMP: Forward, march. DIDDY: Hey! Like I always say, what"s a soldier without an enemy? You, sir, were... were... [Screaming] One and two... >> And? CROCS: Run for our lives! [Shouting] [Screaming] [Screaming] Wait till King K. Rool hears how successful our mission was. DK: Making tracks, coming through. Two apes flying around together? Another one dropping out of the trees? Well, this could only mean... Something. DK: K. Rool. [Laughing] [Sobbing] KLUMP: I miss him already. ROOL: A little dignity, soldier. And now, my turn. What words to use to describe how I feel about Donkey Kong. [Screaming] If that yellow-bellied Neanderthal Donkey Kong doesn"t show up, then I win by default. DK: Banana slamma! Okay, lizards... ROOL: Is that Donkey Kong? DK: Banana slamma! Oh, great. What is your plan, Klump? Uh... plan? A plan to get that Crystal Coconut away from those banana- munching mammals. [Whooping] [Hysterical laughing] Hey! With Donkey Kong gone, well, I"ll probably retire myself... After I"ve done one or two things I"ve always meant to get around to. Do you realize the things I could do with the Crystal Coconut in one hand and the Golden Banana in the other? Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Give me that beautiful orb of power. The Crystal Coconut! Oh, splendid orb of power, you little beauty! This is a very unconventional way to invade enemy territory. Eep. [Screaming] One... more... >> Ah, yes. Finally, mine. I win. I win! Nice to be winners for once. DK: Banana slamma! What? No! [Screaming] [Yelling] We bad guys never get a break. No harm, no foul. Let"s call it a day. Hm, what do you say? Banana slamma! Under attack, take cover! Attack the other way! Don"t just stand there, Klump! No longer standing, sir! I"ll be back. [Screaming] [Laughing] And from now on, get your own dream sequences, okay? Don"t forget to write, you big lug. [Microphone feedback shrieking] DIDDY: And now, I give you our very own black cloud, the one and only Cranky. [Clapping] DK, you"ve been like a son to me, a big, hairy, clumsy son. But nobody could love you more. And I always made a point of telling you that. I"ve got the evidence right here, you bumbling baboon! You doofus! You numbskull! You big knucklehead. Don"t you get it, you big baboon? You knucklehead. You say he landed on his head? Yeah. Good thing, otherwise he might"ve hurt himself. [Clapping] He"s someone who means more to us than just opposable thumbs and an upright walk. He"s not just the biggest buddy I have, but he"s my best, best, best buddy in the whole wide world, as well. DK: Oh, Diddy, I can"t show up looking like a big hairy ape. But you are a big hairy ape, DK, so don"t worry about it, just be yourself. DK: You mean a big hairy ape! [Laughing] I"ve got an idea, but I'll need your help. DIDDY: That"s what sidekicks are for. Good, you drive. What? I can"t drive. Neither can I. DIDDY: There it is, there it is, DK! Catch, DK! DK: I"ve got it, little buddy. DIDDY: Okay, DK, I"m dying to hear the second part of your plan. This is where you go up and get the coconut. [Snoring] Without waking Sleeping Ugly. Banana slamma! Hold on, little buddy! Closer, DK! Right, and besides, nothing and no one is bigger or better than the king of all Kongs, Donkey Kong! DK: Run! [Screaming] [Panting] DIDDY: Oh, it"s a dead end! DK: We"re trapped! We"re doomed! [Screaming] We"ll exchange Baby Kong with another baby. Oh, yeah, right! Where do you think we"re gonna find another baby? I know I"m your pal and all, but don"t you think this is going just a little far to help you? I knew I could count on you! That"s what sidekicks are for! DK: I got it. DIDDY: I got it, I got it. DK: I got it. [Crashing] Banana slamma. I give you your friend and mine, Donkey Kong. [Clapping] Huh? [Whistling] Gee, everybody, this place has been like home for me. It is your home, numbskull. I feel like I know every rock, every tree, every branch of this island. CANDY: Donkey Kong! DK: Candy? [Crashing] DIDDY: DK! DK: Diddy! [Crashing] Think you can lose me that easily? Tree! Look out! Whoa-oa-oa! Whoa-oa-oa! All we"ve got to do is get Cranky back... CANDY: DK, Diddy! DIDDY: Stop! DK: You can count on me. Dance is easy. Whoa! [Crashing] Oh, no! [Crashing] Hang on, Cranky, we"re almost... That had to hurt... and it did. And as for you, we"ve all managed to touch each other"s lives. Where is that Donkey Kong? Where is that so-called pal o" mine? We were watching movies and... Watching movies?! CANDY: All right, where is he? Where is that so-called boyfriend of mine? We were having lunch... >> Hey! Donkey Kong, wait till you see what Mr. Klump did to your elevator. [Ringing and bouncing noises] The coconut! DIXIE: Cranky! Get off the... Tracks. DK: Sorry, Cranky, no time to stop. Guard the coconut. Thanks. ♪ Out of the way! But where"s Donkey Kong? DK: Banana slam...! That"s my cue. Off the barrel, Donkey Kong. You might fall and... Whoa! Whoa! [Screaming] Yeah, lock and load! Lock and load! Hey, Cranky, what"s all the screaming? You okay? You big banana-for-brains! [Groaning] It won"t be easy leaving all my friends, but... well, when you get a letter that says, "You, Monkey Kong, have been..." Monkey Kong? Let me see that. I should"ve known, you alphabet- challenged ape. "Monkey," not "Donkey." This letter isn"t for you. Hey, I don"t have to leave Kongo Bongo. Isn"t that great news? [Crickets chirping] Then we made this whole big bash for nothing? Then why did I pay for this dinner? Then why I brush my teeth? DIDDY: Then why did I use up my best material on this shindig? DK: Because you like me, you really like me. Hey, I"ve got a great idea. Let"s celebrate the good news. Let"s, uh, have a party. We already did! DK: Oh, yeah. Anybody want to dance? ♪ |