 "Okay, I'll do the article for you! ... Naw! ... Only kidding!"
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Act 1[]
(Scene begins at night, with a view of Inka Dinka Doo's temple)
Inka Dinka Doo: Inka Dinka Doo says the time has come.!
(Scene cuts to Cranky Kong's cabin, as we see Diddy Kong see his reflection from the Crystal Coconut)
Diddy Kong: Hey! I can see my reflection! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! [Snickering] Oooh!
Donkey Kong: (searching Cranky's fridge) Got any banana cream pie?
Cranky Kong: When are you two knuckle-heads gonna let me get some sleep?
Donkey Kong: Just as soon as I get a little midnight snack. Future rulers need their strength, you know.
Cranky Kong: You silly chimp! Get away from there! It's not a toy!
(He closes the case containing the Crystal Coconut)
Diddy Kong: Movie star! (laugh)
(The case closes on Diddy's finger)
Diddy Kong: Yow!
Cranky Kong: That'll teach you!
(The case opens, the coconut reveals itself again and heals Diddy's finger)
Diddy Kong: (surprised) Hey! It doesn't hurt anymore! The Crystal Coconut took my pain away!
Donkey Kong: Hey, Cranky, what else can the Crystal Coconut do?
Cranky Kong: I don't know. No one knows all the mysteries the magical orb holds. It's a mystery why I'm still talking to you two! Now, let"s get some sleep!
Diddy Kong: Can't sleep without a bedtime story! Ooh, tell us the one about the legend of the Crystal Coconut again!
Donkey Kong: Your stories always makes us tired.
Cranky Kong: Ehh... all right... But then you"re out of here! Gone, scat, vamoose!
DK & Diddy: Deal!
Cranky Kong: It all began with Kaptain Skurvy's great-great-great grand-pappy. He stole the Coconut, brought it to the island, la-la-la... Scabby scum swindler that he was, etcetera, etcetera... He stashed it in the eye of Inka Dinka... Coconut plopped out, blah-blah-blah... DK found it, yadda-yadda-yadda... Deemed future ruler of Kongo Bongo... The End!
Donkey Kong: Yeah, but why did Inka Dinka Doo pick me as future ruler?
Cranky Kong: It beats the bananas out of me.
Diddy Kong: But, what about the Crystal Coconut?
Donkey Kong: Yeah! If I'm gonna be ruler, then I should know all the secrets.
Cranky Kong: You'll know all the secrets when Inka Dinka Doo thinks you're ready. Until then, I"ve got a little tip for you, DK.
Donkey Kong: Yeah? What's that?
Cranky Kong: GO HOME AND LET ME GET SOME SLEEP!
(Scene cuts to DK and Diddy walking out of the cabin at nighttime.)
Diddy Kong: Hey, you think Cranky brushes his teeth before or after he takes them out?
Donkey Kong: I don't know, little buddy. Seems like there's a lot I don't know.
Diddy Kong: Don't sweat it, DK. You'll find out when you're as old as Cranky.
Donkey Kong: Why can't I know everything right now?
(Scene cuts to DK and Diddy, inside Inka Dinka Doo's temple)
Diddy Kong: Uh, maybe we shouldn't bother him, it's late.
Donkey Kong: No, Diddy. I'm the future ruler, & I want answers now! Hey, Inka! Ring-a-ding-ding! It's me, DK, the future ruler of Kongo Bongo. We got business to discuss.
Diddy Kong: Oh, you did it now, DK. He's gonna blow!
Inka Dinka Doo: Inka Dinka Doo says the time has come!
Donkey Kong: You bet it has! I want some info!
(Song starts, as he sings, "Tell Me Everything")
Donkey Kong: 🎵I wanna know the secrets that the crystal holds🎵
🎵And all the magic power that it brings🎵
🎵I'm the big Kahuna! I should know what's going on🎵
🎵Inka Dinka, tell me everything!🎵
Inka Dinka Doo: To know everything...
You must give up everything...
Donkey Kong: 🎵"Give up everything"? What on Earth does it mean?🎵
🎵It could mean my subscription to the Ape Quarterly🎵
🎵I just don't get this, Inka! I'm number one!🎵
🎵I'm ready right now, so why the big mystery?🎵
Inka Dinka Doo: To know everything...
You must give up everything...
Donkey Kong: 🎵Give up my autographed picture of my idol King Kong🎵
🎵Or my ticket to the Dingling Bros. Circus show🎵
🎵Could be my Planet of the Apes trading cards🎵
🎵Inka Dinka, tell me what to let go!🎵
Donkey Kong: To know everything, I must give up everything. (Song ends) Hey! Little buddy, I'm giving you my tie collection.
Diddy Kong: I think Inka Dinka Doo is probably looking for something more important than that, DK.
Donkey Kong: What's more important than my tie collection?
Diddy Kong: The Crystal Coconut, for one!
(DK getting an idea)
Donkey Kong: That's it! I have to give the Crystal Coconut away!
Diddy Kong: I was kidding!
Donkey Kong: I'm not. Once I give the Coconut away, I'll know all the secrets, so I won't need it anymore. Oh, it"s so simple!
Diddy Kong: Who you gonna give it too?
Donkey Kong: Who else?
(Scene cuts to King K. Rool's Lair, as we see General Klump, and Krusha with the coconut)
Klump: King K. Rool! Your royal roughness! Supreme scaliness?
(They hear King K. Rool grumbling, throwing books around in anger)
Krusha: He's in a bad mood.
Klump: My news will cheer him up, el pronto! Sir, General Klump reporting! I have some news, and it is the A-1 rank of importance, sir.
King K. Rool: Klump! Didn't I say no news, no calls, no tyranny until tomorrow?! It's a bad villain day!
Klump: Uh, but sir, I really think this"ll cheer you...
King K. Rool: Listen, you incompetent cretin, I want to be left alone! That means no one, nothing, no interruptions!
Klump: But sir, I really think you're gonna like this news as it's regarding the Crystal...
King K. Rool: (interrupts him again) GO AWAY!!!!
Klump: Guess we give the Crystal Coconut back to Donkey Kong.
(He hears this, and swiftly comes down from his study)
King K. Rool: (shocked) The Crystal Coconut?
(Klump shows the coconut to King K. Rool)
King K. Rool: Triumph... Victory... Success... At long last, I, King K. Rool, am the ruler of Kongo Bongo Island! (Laugh maniacally)
King K. Rool: How did you get the Coconut anyway?
Klump: Well, sir, first, I titled the operation, "the bloody battle of the baboons." I then set up surveillance of the enemy, and like...
King K. Rool: Okay, never mind. The important thing is that at long last, the Crystal Coconut is mine! Mine... Mine! (laugh) And no one... but no one... is going to take it from me!
(Scene cuts to Kaptain Skurvy's ship, sailing through the foggy ocean as it arrives to the beach)
Act 2[]
(Scene cuts to Kaptain Skurvy's ship, then we see Skurvy and his crew at the beach)
Skurvy: Arrr... Kongo Bongo Island! I've come to claim me birthright, the Crystal Coconut, in the name of my great-great-great grand-pappy.
(Scene cuts to Skurvy in his ship, as he sings "Pirate's Scorn")
Skurvy: 🎵Arrh, when I was a young lad, my father said to me🎵
🎵"Arrh, lend an ear and learn some pirate history!🎵
🎵Once a fearsome pirate ruled the seven seas🎵
🎵He was your great-great-great-grandpappy, Quint Skurvy!"🎵
🎵He told me tall tales of his ill-begotten gains🎵
🎵But the greatest treasure of them all still haunts me to this day!🎵
Skurvy, Green Kroc, Kutlass: 🎵I'll make you swab the deck and then I'll throw you in the brig!🎵
🎵I swear I'll make you walk the plank to right the wrong you did!🎵
🎵The day you mess with Skurvy, arrh, you'll wish you were never born!🎵
🎵When the Coconut is mine, then you'll feel this pirate's scorn!🎵
Skurvy: 🎵He hid it in an idol where it stayed for many years🎵
🎵But the eye of Inka Dinka Doo did shed the crystal tear🎵
🎵It lay upon the ground until, much to my surprise🎵
🎵A stupid ape just wandered by and snatched my treasured prize🎵
🎵He discovered it possessed extraordinary power🎵
🎵But stealing it from Skurvy would be his darkest hour!🎵
Skurvy, Green Kroc, Kutlass: 🎵I'll make you swab the deck and then I'll throw you in the brig!🎵
🎵I swear I'll make you walk the plank to right the wrong you did!🎵
🎵The day you mess with Skurvy, arrh, you'll wish you were never born!🎵
🎵When the Coconut is mine, then you'll feel this pirate's scorn!🎵
🎵When the Coconut is mine, then you'll feel this pirate's scorn!🎵
Skurvy: 🎵Arrh!🎵
(Scene cuts back to Skurvy at the beach)
Skurvy: And I pity the land-lubber shark bait what tries to stop me. If my name isn't Kaptain Skur... Ow! On my honour, I swear on the great-great-great pirate oath... Ow! To grant any favour to the swamp-sucking sea-scum scallywag that can rid my off this... Ow! Painful toothache.
Kutlass: But the pirates don't have honour.
Green Kroc: That's"s why we's the scourge of the seven seas. We be pure scum!
Skurvy: Aye, there be no more fearsome scourge scum than I, but the pirate oath is a pure and sacred thing, mates. Me great-great-great grand-pappy taught me that right after he stole the Crystal Coconut, fair and square. Speaking of which, it's"s time to do what pirates do best.
All: Steal booty!
(Scene cuts to Donkey Kong returns to the temple of Inka Dinka Doo)
Donkey Kong: Inka, future ruler here. I did exactly as you said. So, start doling out them secrets.
Inka Dinka Doo: (angers) To know everything... one must give up everything...
Diddy Kong: Uh-oh, I think you goofed, DK. And when Cranky finds out...
Donkey Kong: No sweat, little buddy! I'm gonna be ruler. What can Cranky say?
(Scene cuts to Cranky in his cabin)
Cranky Kong: You did what?!
Donkey Kong: I wanted to know all the secrets.
Cranky Kong: So you gave the coconut away to King K. Rool?! What were you thinking?
(Then Skurvy and his crew arrives)
Skurvy: Avast ye!
Diddy Kong: (screams) Pirates! Thieving thug sea-dogs who sail the seven seas looking for booty to loot.
Skurvy: I'm sorry, have we met? I've come to claim me birthright, the Crystal Coconut, and I pity the land-lubber shark bait what tries to stop me. If my... ow! (He clutches his jaw) On my honour... ow! I swear on the great-great-great pirate oath... ouch. To grant any favour to the swamp-sucking sea-scum scallywag that rid me of this painful toothache!
Cranky Kong: Pirates don't have honour.
Donkey Kong: That's why you are the scourge of the seven seas!
Diddy Kong: You're pure scum.
Skurvy: Aye, there be no more fearsome scourge scum than I, but the pirate oath is a pure and sacred thing, mates, and if there ain't nothing pure and sacred... etcetera, etcetera... Now hand over the Crystal Coconut, or I'll blow you to bits!
Donkey Kong: We don't have it!
Skurvy: Then who does?
(Scene cuts back to King K. Rool in his lair with the coconut)
King K. Rool: (laughing) What will I do first? Herd the apes over a cliff? Plough down all the banana fields?
Klump: Yes, sir! You finally outsmarted those smart alec chimpanzees. A fine victory indeed.
Krusha: But, uh, General, Donkey Kong just gave us the coconut.
King K. Rool: (shocked) What?!
Klump: But that is not the way it's going down in the history books, Krusha!
King K. Rool: He just gave it to you?
Klump: Well, uh... yeah... kinda...
King K. Rool: You massive lunk of wasted brain matter! I knew there was something odd about this victory. Don't you see? It's a trick, a setup, a scheme, a scam! Those monkeys are up to something, but whatever it is, I'm going to outsmart them.
King K. Rool: Klump, return the Crystal Coconut, immediately!
Klump: But...but sir! It's been your lifelong battle to get the Crystal Coconut.
King K. Rool: JUST DO IT!!
(Scene cuts to three groups running through the jungle, Krusha and Klump trying to give the Crystal Coconut back, Donkey Kong trying to get the coconut back, and Kaptain Skurvy and his crew trying to steal it for themselves as they all sing)
Klump: 🎵We gotta give the coconut back, or else🎵
🎵King K. Rool is gonna have our hides🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵I can't believe I gave the Crystal Coconut🎵
🎵To a couple of the bad guys🎵
Skurvy: 🎵Aar! All I wanna do is get me booty back🎵
🎵Defend my honor with lootin' and lies🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵Maybe, if I hurry, it won't be too late🎵
🎵I got to give it the old banana try🎵
Klump: 🎵Gotta bring it back!🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵Gotta get it back! Take it back!🎵
Skurvy: 🎵Gotta scarf it back!🎵
Krusha: 🎵Gotta give it back!🎵
Klump: 🎵Take it back!🎵
Klump: 🎵At first he said to steal the Crystal Coconut🎵
🎵Now he's forcin' us to give it back🎵
Krusha: Uh, he's confusing me...
Donkey Kong: 🎵Cranky's gonna kill me if I fail this time🎵
🎵Looks like I set things back a century🎵
Skurvy: 🎵OOOWWW! I always knew that smugglin' would keep me in shape🎵
🎵I wish my tooth would just stop hurtin' me! Ooowww...🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵I guess there's more to knowing how to be a king🎵
🎵You've got to see beyond the mystery!🎵
Klump: 🎵Gotta bring it back!🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵Gotta get it back!🎵
Krusha: 🎵Take it back!🎵
Skurvy: 🎵Gotta scarf it back!🎵
Krusha: 🎵Gotta give it back!🎵
Skurvy: 🎵Take it back!🎵
Klump: 🎵Gotta bring it back!🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵Gotta get it back!🎵
Krusha: 🎵Take it back!🎵
Skurvy: 🎵Gotta scoff it back!🎵
Klump: 🎵Gotta give it back!🎵
Donkey Kong: 🎵Take it back!🎵
(Song ends)
(Meanwhile in King K. Rool's lair)
King K. Rool: I hope those two homespun idiots have gotta rid of that cursed Crystal Coconut. It's already been a bad villain day.
(Donkey Kong bursts into his lair)
Donkey Kong: Banana Slamma!
King K. Rool: Oh, great.
Donkey Kong: Uh, I want the Crystal Coconut back, uh, please.
King K. Rool: You want it back? (realized it's not a trick) You... want... it... back?! All the stupid... You mean I had the coconut and I... I cannot believe... Oh, is there no justice...
Skurvy: Avast ye! (Skurvy arrives at his lair)
King K. Rool: & who are you?
Donkey Kong: Not again...
Skurvy: Arr! Kongo Bongo Island family heirloom, yadda-yadda-yadda... Claim me birthright, great-great grand-pappy... Pity the land-lubber shark bait what stops me. Yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda...
Skurvy: (talks to DK) What was the next part?
Donkey Kong: Uh, your tooth?
Skurvy: Oh, yeah. OW. (He clutches his jaw) On my honour, grant any favour, yadda-yadda-yadda... swamp-sucking scallywag to rid me off this toothache, doing what pirates do best: steal booty.
King K. Rool: Pirates don"t honour anything. They are pure scum who steal booty.
Skurvy: Aye, speaking of which... hand it over!
King K. Rool: Hand what over?
Skurvy: The Crystal Coconut.
King K. Rool: I don't have it, you imbeciles! I ordered my general to put it back!
Donkey Kong: AAHH!!
Skurvy: AAHH!!
(they rush back to Cranky's cabin)
Act 3[]
(Scene cuts to Cranky & Diddy in his cabin)
Cranky Kong: Where's Donkey Kong? He should've been back by now.
Klump: Hip hup, hip hup.
(They turned around, & see Klump and Krusha all the way from across the bridge with the coconut)
Cranky Kong: Klump, and that big no-brain, Krusha.
Klump: General Klump here on official business from King K. Rool. We're returning the Crystal Coconut.
Cranky Kong: It's a trick. Diddy, prepare to launch the trigger barrels.
(Diddy runs off, & getting ready for the trigger barrels)
Cranky Kong: Sure! Come on in!
(& As they come in, Diddy jumps on a trigger barrel, in which it triggers a trap, Klump & Krusha screaming as they fall down gap in boardwalk)
Klump: Strategy one: run and punt.
(They run and punt to Cranky's cabin)
Cranky Kong: Now!
(Diddy jumps on a trigger barrel, & flinging Klump & Krusha)
Klump: Strategy two: bungee-barrel.
(Klump getting shot out of the cannon, then Diddy jumps on a trigger barrel 19 times, flinging Klump and Krusha into the air)
Klump: Strategy 17, 18, and 19... failed! (as he's flinging into the air, & land into the wilderness)
(Klump knocks the door, Cranky opens the door & realized that it was not a trick)
Cranky Kong: Well, what do you know... (Slams the door in their face) It wasn"t a trick after all. Nothing can go wrong now.
Diddy Kong: Unless... the pirates come back?
Cranky Kong: (realized) We're sitting ducks! I gotta warn DK!
(He hands Diddy the coconut and transforms into a hologram using it to warn Donkey Kong)
Diddy Kong: Wait a sec! (frightened) If I'm protecting the coconut, who's protecting me? I gotta take the coconut some place the pirates will never think of looking for it.
(Scene cuts to the jungle, where Donkey Kong stops swinging to rest for a second)
Donkey Kong: I'm must have a lead. I can't see Skurvy anywhere.
(Then Cranky, as a hologram appears)
Cranky Kong: What are you doing, you numb-skull?
Donkey Kong: Going back to your cabin.
Cranky Kong: Klump & Krusha just returned the Crystal Coconut.
Donkey Kong: Oh, that's great!
Cranky Kong: No, it's bad. The pirates are still after it.
Donkey Kong: Tell me about it.
Cranky Kong: Then what are you waiting for? Diddy's all alone, standing guard.
(Cranky's hologram disappears, DK leaping out of the tree, then cuts to Klump & Krusha in the jungle)
Klump: Wait till King K. Rool hears how successful are mission was.
Donkey Kong: Making Tracks! Coming through!
(Lands on Klump, & runs off, then cuts to King K. Rool contacts him through video in his lair)
King K. Rool: Klump, are you lying down on the job again?
Klump: Uh, no sir! I have excellent news.
King K. Rool: I'm the one with the news, so shut up, & listen.
Klump: We did it, sir. We beat them monkeys at their own game.
King K. Rool: Will you shut up and listen to me! There's been a change of plans. Do not... I repeat... do not take the Crystal Coconut back to Cranky. Bring it back to me.
Klump: Why?
Krusha: But why?
King K. Rool: BECAUSE!!! Everyone is after it, including the pirates.
Klump: What pirates?
Krusha: What pirates?
Skurvy: Our of my way, whale bait!
(Kaptain Skurvy ran over Klump)
King K. Rool: That one!
(Then Green Kroc ran over Klump)
King K. Rool: And those ones!
Klump: Ten-four. Over and out... (passed out)
(Scene cuts back to Cranky's cabin, then Donkey Kong arrives)
Donkey Kong: Don"t worry, little buddy. I'm here to... Huh?
(He sees both Diddy and the Crystal Coconut are gone)
Donkey Kong: Where could he have... (figured out where he is) Aha!
(He leaves Cranky's cabin)
(Seconds after, Skurvy arrives at the cabin)
Skurvy: Avast ye! Huh?
(He sees the coconut is gone, figures out where it is)
Skurvy: Aha!
(He leaves the cabin)
(scene cuts to Cranky returning to his physical form)
Cranky Kong: Okay, Diddy, don"t worry. DK should be here any... Huh? What the? (Notice that he is in the temple of Inka Dinka Doo with Diddy) We"re not in my cabin. What are we doing here?
Diddy Kong: I wanted to hid the Crystal Coconut somewhere that the pirates would never ever ever find it.
Kutlass: Avast ye!
(Green Kroc & Kutlass arrive the temple)
Green Kroc: Hand over my captain"s treasure!
Diddy Kong: (frighten) Okay, okay... I"ll hand over the Crystal Coconut, just...just as soon as one of you big goofus doofuses makes me!
Cranky Kong: Donkey Kong!
(Donkey Kong enters the temple)
Donkey Kong: Back off or I"ll have to slam ya!
Diddy Kong: DK, how did you find us?
Donkey Kong: I thought you"d go some place that the pirates would never find you!
(Then Skurvy arrives the temple)
Skurvy: Avast y-OW! (he clutches his jaw) Shiver me molars!
Donkey Kong: You know, you really ought to get that tooth checked out.
Kutlass: Who is the goofus doofus now, mate?
Diddy Kong: (nervous laugh) Uh, that"d be me. (He throws the coconut to DK, & runs off)
Green Kroc: After him!
(The pirates running after Diddy)
Cranky Kong: Now do you see all the mess you've caused by your snooping?!
Donkey Kong: I was only trying to find all the secrets about the Crystal Coconut.
Skurvy: Well, you needn"t worry your big ugly head about that now, matey, because it belongs to me. So hand it over.
Donkey Kong: You can"t have it. It belongs to me.
Skurvy: I got a hand cannon here that can prove you wrong.
Donkey Kong: But...but I'm the Future Ruler of Kongo Bongo.
Skurvy: (laughs) 'Future ruler,' you?!
Donkey Kong: I'm warning you.
Skurvy: (mockingly) Oooh... Well, shiver me timbers!
Donkey Kong: I'm still warning you...!
Skurvy: (laughs) That's a good one matey! Me Great Great Great Grandpappy, may he rot in Hell, would be rollin'! He loved a good joke! And you're the biggest, ugliest one there's ever been! Har-har-har! 'Future ruler!'
Donkey Kong: You want it?! You GOT it!!
(Donkey Kong throws the coconut at Skurvy, hitting his face and knocking the aching tooth out)
Cranky Kong: You knocked out his tooth!
Skurvy: Why you... Hey, my toothache"s gone! Arr... Well, blow me down! Ha har! And shiver me timbers! It's turning out to be a good villain day after all.
Cranky Kong: Not so fast! According to your great-great-great pirate oath, you owe Donkey Kong a favour.
Skurvy: No, no, no! I'd be walking the plank before I...
Cranky Kong: (interrupts him) No, no, no. I heard you loud and clear. You said, "On my honour, I swear on the great-great-great pirate oath..."
Skurvy: Okay, okay. I can"t bears to hear it again. Name your booty, Donkey Kong.
Donkey Kong: Ooh! Well, I was looking through the new Monkey Bars Catalogue...
Cranky Kong: (interrupts DK) You knuckle-head! The Coconut!
Donkey Kong: (realized Skurvy has the coconut) Oh, yeah. Heh-heh... I forgot. Can I have it back, please?
Skurvy: (gives the coconut to DK) I kept my word about the oath, but as a pirate and scourge of the seven seas, I vows to come back, "cause...
Cranky Kong: We know, we know. That"s what pirates do.
Skurvy: Aye! Steal booty! (he leaves the temple)
Cranky Kong: Well, Donkey Kong, I have to admit, you don"t always do things the right way, but you get "em done.
Donkey Kong: Yeah, but I still want to know all the secrets.
Cranky Kong: Maybe you"re not supposed to know yet. Look at all the trouble your snooping has already caused! I mean, do you want to run before you walk?
Donkey Kong: You're right. Maybe some other time!
Cranky Kong: Good, now let"s get out of here before your start another crisis.
Donkey Kong: I will be back. You can count on it.
(They leave the temple with the coconut)
Inka Dinka Doo: Whatever!
(Scene cuts to King K. Rool in his lair)
King K. Rool: Where in the world could those homespun idiots be with my Crystal Coconut?
(Scene cuts to Skurvy's ship, where Klump & Krusha are hiding in barrels)
Klump: When the coast is clear, we jump out of the barrels, steal the Crystal Coconut back, & then swim back to shore.
Krusha: But I can't swim.
Klump:Well, why didn"t you say so before we snuck on board!
Krusha: Well, you never asked!
(Scene cuts to the beach, where Diddy is still being chased by Green Kroc & Kutlass)
Green Kroc: Stop, you little half-wit dog!
Diddy Kong: Half-wit? You two are the one's missing the boat.
Both: Huh?
(They stopped, & they noticed the ship is leaving)
Kutlass: Stop!
Green Kroc: Hang on!
Diddy Kong: what a bunch of goofy doofus’s (chuckled)