 "You wouldn't know a good article if you were reading it!"
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Act 1[]
I"m one smooth simian! Check me out! We"re two... Uh, two... Two idiots. Hey, everybody! Now for a barrel roll! Hey! I"m talking here!
Windbag. [Chuckling] [Grumbling] Knock it off! Huh? What? That"s better. Now, this being Kongo Bongo"s annual ceasefire, our annual love fest, let"s have a few words from the future ruler of Kongo Bongo, Donkey Kong! Ruler schmuler. Not for long! Come on! Say something, DK! [Mumbling] What... Right on, dude! What did he say? "Peace on Earth and be nice to the newts!" [Laughing] What a farce! What a sorry excuse for a ruler! Ha ha, you"re jealous... green! [Laughing] "Cause you don't have a chance at being the future ruler! Maybe not. However, I am the future owner of Bluster Barrelworks. It seems to me you"re the only baboon without a future in front of your name. Grr! I do have a future! I do, I do! Take a chill pill, Diddy! I got no future, either. Do I look bummed? Not. Besides, you got a future. Future sidekick and best little buddy! Thanks, DK. But that"s all I'll ever be... Sidekick, second banana. The best part about this day of peace is knowing how hard it is for you to squelch yourself, K. Rool. Not for long, you decrepit simian! Ah, give it up, K. Rool. You"ll never win. Not with Donkey Kong, the biggest, strongest ape in all of Kongo Bongo as our future ruler! It isn"t over until it's over. At least this conversation"s over. Why are you consorting with the enemy? So I can launch a surprise attack! Surprise attack? Why didn"t I know about this? Because it wouldn"t be a surprise, you numbskull! Now, we"ll make them think we are participating in the ceasefire. But instead, we are going to be sneaky. Clever. You? Yes, you ninny! I"m going to make sure Donkey Kong never rules! CANDY: Hey, DK! Candy! Oh, goodie. Time to break out my super secret weapon of destruction! A banana peel? Just watch. Whoa! Oof! Ooh, Donkey Kong! What? What did I do? Whose banana peel is that? What banana peel? The one that was left on the ground. The one that I slipped on! The one on your head, you baboon! Our date"s off. Don"t call me, don't drop by... ever! Ever? That"s a long time! Yeesh. [Laughing] Phase one of Operation Crush Kong is a success! Operation Crush Kong? I get everyone in Kongo Bongo furious with Donkey Kong. They all turn their backs on him. Cranky is forced to name a new future ruler. With Donkey Kong, the biggest, strongest ape, out of the picture, invasion is a cinch! Then the truly deserving future ruler steps in! Who? Who"s that? Me, you big tub of lizard lard! Hmm. ♪ Having a good ceasefire, DK? No. My girlfriend blasted me. DK, DK, DK! You"re a prize catch. She"ll come around. You think so? Of course! You"re a nice guy, you're the strongest ape on Kongo Bongo. You"re the future ruler! [Laughing] Right? So what? You need to get your mind off of her. Nothing can get my mind off of Candy. What about surfing, hmm? Cool water, the gentle rocking of the waves? Hmm? Wait! Yes? I"ll go surfing! Great idea. Wish I"d thought of that. Yeah, it is a good idea! DK"s back and outta here! [Laughing] This is too easy. Just be yourself, Donkey Kong! [Laughing] What do you say, Funky? I don"t know, man. It"s my best board. I"ll take care of it. That board is my soul mate, dude. We"ve bonded. So, bring it back alive. ♪ Last one in"s an orangutan! Hurry! What do we do? Steal it! Oh, stealing? That"s bad. Of course it"s bad! We are bad, you lunkhead! Now, grab the thing and let"s get out of here! Uh, not till you say sorry for calling me lunkhead. You"re so right. I don"t know what came over me. Now, grab the board, smarty-pants! Refreshing! [Gasping] Oh, no! Funky"s soul mate! [Snoring] Funky? Funky! Wake up, man! [Yawning] What? Wake up! Huh? I got bad news... Where"s my board? Gone. Gone?! You promised me, dude! You gave me your word, man! It wasn"t my fault! Somebody filched it! I"m sorry. Bag the excuses, DK. Cop to it, man! It wasn"t my fault! How are you going to be future ruler, dude, if you can"t even tell the truth when you wipe out? What a lousy day. Everyone in Kongo Bongo is steamed at me. First Candy, now Funky. Snap out of it, DK. We"re still hanging with ya. Yeah, lighten up! Remember, I"m your sidekick, your second in command, bosom buddy! Me, too! Thanks. Hey, I gotta split, you two. I"ll walk the rest of the way with my buddy, Dix. Catch ya later, Diddy! See you around, Dids! Come on, DK. ♪ Well, Crusher, let"s hear it. Uh-huh. What? Your imitation! Oh, oh, all right. Uh, here goes. [Imitating K. Rool]: Lunkhead! Once I have the coconut... Not me, you ninny! Donkey Kong"s! Oh, sorry. I thought you meant you, Your Mightiness. Just do his voice! [Clearing throat] [Imitating DK]: Bananas, bananas, bananas. I always got bananas on the brain. Oh, perfect! Now for phase three: alienate his closest friends and second in command. Two birds with one stone. [Laughing] I"m devilish! [Laughing] [Sighing] It"s a swell place, huh? Yeah, I"ll have to bring Diddy here! I used to hang here with my girl. But that"s history. Ah, you"ll hook up with somebody, DK. [Laughing] [Imitating DK]: Hey, what about you, Dixie? Little Dixie Doodle. You are fine. Huh? Hey! What is up with you? Huh? I didn"t say anything! Dogging your best friend! Humph! [Imitating DK]: Come on. Put a lip lock on me, Dixie. That chump chimp Diddy will never know. You lousy, double-crossing, two-timing... Wait till Diddy gets a load of this! What? What did I say? [Imitating DK]: Oh, sure. Go tell Diddy. That second banana, that half pint. Yeah, well, I"m gonna tell him. I"m gonna tell him what a lousy friend you are! How are you going to be future ruler if you can"t even be trusted? What did I do, Dixie? I was just sitting here! Some pal you turned out to be! Just because you"re my best buddy, doesn"t mean you got dibs on my girl! How are you going to be future ruler if you can"t even be trusted? I don"t want your girl, I never wanted your girl! You can have her. Ooh, are you dissing Dixie? Ah! This friendship"s moving like this elevator... down! Way down! I don"t get it. Candy, then Funky, then Dixie and now Diddy! [Sighing] [Snoring] He"s asleep. Now for the final phase of Operation Crush Kong. Kritters! No holds barred. Do as much damage as physically possible. Ready? Aim... Ooh, I love a smorgasbord. Let me at it! Fire! [Munching] And now for the incriminating evidence. All fingers will point to Donkey Kong. Mission accomplished. Kritters, ready! March! Hee, huh, hee, huh. Whatcha got, huh, huh. [Snoring] Huh? What? My pad! Destroyed! Who would do a thing like that? Who... No. It"s not possible. Donkey Kong! I got a bad feeling about this. Cranky sounded really mad. I"m not talking to you. But you just did! Well, I"m not anymore. Yikes! What happened to Cranky"s place? Hey, Cranky, you okay? What happened? Like you don"t know. What? Don"t play dumb. I"ve got the evidence right here, you bumbling baboon! A banana skin! Pretty obvious who did it, DK. That"s not mine! Oh, sure it isn"t. Look, there"s still a piece of banana inside. I"d never leave a banana bit. Can I have it? Donkey Kong! This is it! I"ve got no choice but to strip you of your title of future ruler! What? You can"t do that! I found the coconut! My face is on it! Diddy? DIDDY: Yes! All right! It"s me, me, me, me! I have a future! [Laughing] I am the future ruler! [Laughing] CRANKY: You see? The coconut has spoken. I"m giving you a one-way ticket to the White Mountains. No return. No more second banana for me! I"m the King of the Kong! The Simian Don Juan! [Laughing] The White Mountains. Nothing but snow and glaciers and... and... And no bananas. CRANKY: Hey, Donkey Kong! Yeah? Happy trails! And don"t come back! ♪ I got my orders, dude. Dump you off in the White Mountains. Hang on! DK: There"s no bananas there, is there, Funky? There"s nothing there, man. Nothing but snow. There they are, dude! Coming in for a drop! Whoa! Now for a barrel roll! Ha ha! Aah! ♪ ♪ I don"t know what's happening to me ♪ ♪ I"m getting all the blame for things I didn"t do ♪ ♪ Can anybody tell me just what I did wrong? ♪ ♪ I"m all alone and I'm so confused ♪ ♪ I don"t know what everyone wants me to be ♪ ♪ I only know just how to be me ♪ ♪ Once I was the ape of the hour ♪ ♪ They think I"m a coward ♪ ♪ An absolute zero ♪ I"m nobody's hero ♪ ♪ An absolute zero ♪ I"m nobody's hero ♪ ♪ I"m nobody's hero ♪ The plan has gone smoothly! That simple simian, Donkey Kong, has been eradicated! Thanks to our military expertise! Uh, I mean thanks to your plan. Now it"s time for one final assault. The final takeover! We"re going to raid Bluster Barrelworks! But why the barrelworks? Why not go for the coconut right away? [Chuckling] The coconut will come in good time. This is phase four of our operation. You will raid the barrelworks and fill the ammunition stores with exploding bands. With the ammo and my army, the apes will be defenceless! Especially with that pipsqueak "Didi" at the helm. [Laughing maniacally] CRANKY: So, that spineless salamander is marching on the barrelworks? Hmm. Time for our leader to lead! [Laughing] Blast! What was I thinking putting Diddy"s face in the coconut? I flew off the handle. I think I might have been a little hard on DK. Pretty cool you being named future ruler, Dids. You"re the big dude! Thanks. [Laughing] So, can I get a big smooch from the big dude? You mean me? Sure! Hey! Cut it out! Bad timing, Cranky. K. Rool is marching on the barrelworks and you"ve got to get over there! Why me? "Cause you're the future ruler of Kongo Bongo! As protector of Kongo Bongo, you"re expected to risk your life at a moment"s notice! My life? ♪ ♪ What do you expect from someone ♪ ♪ Who has never ever ever been the king before? ♪ ♪ Never had to save the day ♪ Now I"ve no idea what's in store ♪ ♪ Second banana"s what I am ♪ ♪ I never thought this job would be full of so much misery ♪ ♪ Second banana"s what I know ♪ ♪ I"m just not cut out to be the hero ♪ ♪ Maybe it"s a twist of fate ♪ ♪ But I could never recreate the ape he was ♪ ♪ I"m the tutti to his fruitti ♪ ♪ And the peach to his fuzz ♪ Second banana"s what I am ♪ ♪ We made such a perfect team ♪ Now I"m all alone it seems ♪ ♪ Second banana"s what I know ♪ ♪ I"m just not cut out to be the hero ♪ ♪ The hero, the hero ♪ The hero, the hero ♪ The hero [Birds cawing] Hello, sweet Candy! Now that DK is out of the picture, how about a date? Forget it, Bluster. What? Klump! This is a raid! A raid? Oh, Mommy won"t go for this at all! Forget your mommy, you nitwit! Ready, aim, fire! [Buzzing] No! I sure wish DK was here. It pains me to admit it, but so do I. How"s that for a barrel of laughs? [Laughing] Hold it right there, you pond gacks! As the future ruler of Kongo Bongo, I order you to scram! Ha ha! Look who"s here to save the day. It"s the half pint ape. Open fire! Ee, ow! I"m not edible, I'm not edible! Yikes, yikes! [Screaming] What"s up now? Help, Cranky! Go get DK! Get DK! Well, I do miss the big lug. Bananas. I need bananas! [Gasping] Bananas! Ooh, let me at "em! Ooh! Oh no! [Crashing] A banana mirage. Life is so unfair. Ah, quit feeling sorry for yourself. There"s trouble brewing at the barrel factory. Diddy will take care of it. The pipsqueak is in over his head. You"re the only one who can do the job! But I"m weak, I can't. I haven"t had any bananas all day! Well... Bananas! I couldn"t let you go without packing you a couple of bananas for the road. Let me at "em! Isn"t someone going to save us? Fat chance. Donkey Kong, where are you? Right here, little buddy. Donkey Kong? ALL: Donkey Kong! [Growling] Easy there, big fella! [Chuckling] Boo. Aah! Run for your life! Each lizard for himself! [Laughing] Atta boy, DK! [Laughing] What a hero! CANDY: You"re the best, DK! [Cheering] CRANKY: It"s not pretty, but it"s right. Oh, I"m glad it's you back in there and not me, DK. Besides, I"m really a good second banana. Well, the top banana wouldn"t be top banana without his second banana. See, you gotta have the first banana and then the second banana. Hey, easy, DK. That"s what got you into trouble to start with. You can take the ape out of the jungle... ALL: But you can"t take the jungle out of the ape! [All laughing] ♪ |