 "Articles never looked like this when I was a lad!"
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Act 1[]
Hiyah! [Monkey chittering] The measurement of the elliptical path between the sun and the moon, blah, blah, blah... [Mechanical whirring] Hmm, that"s it! Ha-ha! I figured it out. Once again, I"m the superior simian. The head banana. The celestial chimp of cosmic genius. Hey, Cranky, are you practicing moves for a new dance? No, I was figuring out the eclipse, you twit. Eclipse? Cool. What"s an eclipse? It"s lights out! Which is what you"ll get if you don"t quit monkeying around. Did you finally figure out what time the eclipse will happen, Cranky? Yeah, in exactly four days at 3:35 p.m. Hey, just in time for the Annual Donkey Kong Challenge. Hmm. Maybe I should challenge DK. You know, give him the ol" one, two, wham, bam, ooh-ooh-ooh. Hey, Cranky, what"s the point of the challenge anyway? To keep DK on his toes. The future ruler of Kongo Bongo has to be in top form if he"s going to protect The Crystal Coconut. You mean, if DK lost the challenge, he wouldn"t be future ruler anymore? That"s right. Ha, no one ever challenges DK. He"s the biggest, strongest ape on all of Kongo Bongo. But even the biggest, strongest apes have to keep up with their training. Yeah, 57. [Gulping] Well, if it ain"t ol' mella yella. Now it"s just you an' me. Oh, no, my insides are turning to mush. That"s right, you're yella and you"ve always been yella. Now I"m gonna finish you off. DIDDY KONG: Looks like you"ve already finished off half the banana plantation, DK. [Giggling] Hey, little buddy. You"re just in time to see me break my old record. Number 58? Yup, I"m going for broke. And I"m going for cover. DK: 58. [Stomach gurgling] BOTH: A new record! [Both cheering] Hey, uh, aren"t you supposed to be training for the Annual Donkey Kong Challenge? What for? I"m the biggest, strongest ape on all of Kongo Bongo. That"s what I said. Who"s gonna challenge me? K. ROOL: I"m waiting! Krusha! You see the problem? KRUSHA: I see lots of wires. Then pick one before I pickle you. [Clanking] Finally. [Whirring] Everything"s bright again. Not everything. Now then, I have a very important announcement to make, so listen up. I, King Rool, supreme master of evil, like to announce that I"m abandoning my quest for The Crystal Coconut. [Gasping] Oh, say it ain"t so, your sinister slipperiness. I"ve got a new strategy. The ultimate plan. Instead of stealing The Crystal Coconut, I"m going to make the apes give it to me. Fair and square. I am going to enter the Annual Donkey Kong Challenge. You are brave, sir. But what if you don"t win? Can I be king? I"m not the one who will challenge Donkey Kong. Well, then who then, your supreme scaliness? Hiyah! Oh! Ya-ya-ya! Ya-ta! Hiyah-ta! Hiyah! Ti-no! It can"t be. Uh-oh. [Disco music playing] ♪ I survived the volcano onslaught ♪ ♪ I was swallowed by a great white shark ♪ ♪ Hitched a ride on a tornado"s tail ♪ ♪ Out-run an avalanche in the dark ♪ ♪ I"m the Kong Fu master so mean and tough ♪ ♪ I"m so bad I scare myself ♪ ♪ Ha! ♪ Hi-yo ♪ Hi-yo-whoa ♪ Ha ho ♪ Yeah ta ki ko ♪ I"ve been taught by Ape-fucious who says ♪ ♪ The mind must be sharp as a wisdom tooth ♪ ♪ I can cut down a tree with bare hands ♪ ♪ I"ve been trained in Ape-jitsu Kung Fu! ♪ [Singing in high-pitched voices] ♪ He"s so mean ♪ ♪ He"s so tough ♪ ♪ He"s so bad he scares himself! ♪ ♪ I"m the Kong Fu master so mean and tough ♪ ♪ I"m so bad I scare myself ♪ ♪ I"m the Kong Fu master so mean and tough ♪ ♪ I"m so bad I scare myself ♪ ♪ Ha! Ooh. [Snickering] My success is imminent! Kong Fu wins the challenge, and I win the prize! The Crystal Coconut! [Moaning] DK, what"s the matter? Oh, I ache all over... That"s the sign of a good muscle workout! Not my muscles... my stomach! Ohhh... DK broke his old banana record! You ate 58 bananas? But bananas make me strong. Only if you exercise, you big dope. You were supposed to be training for the Annual Donkey Kong Challenge! What for? Who"s gonna challenge... ooh... me? Ooh-ya! Ya-go! [All gasping] ALL: Kong Fu?! That"s right! Uh-oh. Don"t worry, guys. I can get into shape again, no problem! All I need is a couple o" m... Whoa! Ah-ha! Here it is. The official rule book says "The challenge is made up of three contests." Oh. Now I have to win three contests? No, you dope. You only have to win two out of three. So, if we rule out the contest of the body... we"re left with... the contest of the mind. ALL: Uh, what"s the third one? The contest of the heart. [Grunting] I think we should cover all the bases if we want DK to win. Then why don"t we each take a category and help coach DK? Great idea, Candy! You take the contest of the heart, I"ll take the mind, and Diddy can take the body. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh! Uh, sir. When you volunteered us to help uh, Kong Fu, train... We didn"t... Klump! Will you be quiet!? You"re breaking Kong Fu's concentration. [Both groaning] Oh-ho-oh, bravo! Oh, a new chopping record, Kong Fu! Oh, such strength, such power, such precision! Donkey Kong won"t know what hit him! I... I can vouch for that. 33, 34, 35. DK, you"re doing great! This morning you could barely lift a barrel, now look at you! I know, I"m pumped! I"m back in the driver's seat, little buddy. King of Kong! Thriller gorilla! Well, no wonder it"s so easy. The barrel"s empty! I thought it was kinda light. Oh-ho-ho-ho, great. There goes the contest of the body. Don"t worry, little buddy, there"s still the other contests. That"s right! There"s still the contest of the mind. Yeah, yeah! The contest of the mind. What"s that one about again? K. ROOL: We will now commence with part two of the training... Contest of the Mind. Yes, let"s. We"ll start off with a little brain-teaser from my trusty tome; "Meditating Monks Who Write Riddles in Their Spare Time." [Clearing throat] What runs, but never gets out of breath? Ooh, ooh! I know! You, and your long-winded speeches. Simple. Water. Brilliant! I know... I wrote it. Okay Donkey Kong, here"s a brain-teaser for you. What kind of running means walking? I give up, what? You"re supposed to answer it, not me, you numbskull! Oh, yeah, right! Okay. What kind of running means walking... what kind of running mean... The answer is running out of gas! Oh! [Laughing] I don"t get it. I think we can rule out any hope of winning the contest of the mind. Things aren"t looking so good, are they? The particles called electrons turned out to be negatively charged, and have a mass of about one eighteen-hundredth of a single hydrogen atom. Electrons are also fundamental chargers in static electricity. This is best demonstrated by rubbing one"s foot along a carpet, then touching an object. [Screaming] Bravo! That Neanderthal Donkey Kong doesn"t stand a chance at winning the contest of the mind! He may be strong and smart, but he"s got no heart. Fat-head has a point. Not if you guarantee that upon winning the Crystal Coconut you will give it away, donating it out of the goodness of your heart. And who better to donate it to... than me? [Snickering] [Seagull cackling] I"m all messed up, Candy. I can"t believe I let myself get soft! I just never thought anyone would challenge me. Donkey Kong, there"s more to the challenge than just having muscles. There"s strength of the heart. ♪ You gotta realise that your strength comes from inside of you ♪ ♪ You can win with heart if you just stay true ♪ ♪ Don"t lose faith in yourself ♪ ♪ When all seems lost and you"re feeling blue ♪ ♪ Just don"t lose heart, it"ll all come through ♪ ♪ I know I"m gonna get my butt kicked tonight ♪ ♪ I"ll be in so much pain I will hardly stand upright ♪ ♪ I"m gonna take a thrashing, he"s gonna pound me to dust ♪ ♪ By the time he"s finished pounding ♪ ♪ You"ll never recognise me ♪ ♪ Be strong ♪ And soon I"ll be gumming on my food ♪ ♪ Just don"t lose heart! ♪ ♪ Keep your head up ♪ So he can knock it off my shoulders ♪ ♪ You"ll be back on your feet ♪ ♪ In crutches Donkey Kong. Oh, Cranky, isn"t there anything we can do for him? Troops, in light of my imminent victory, I feel it is appropriate to announce that I will be streamlining our operations. Kong Fu will be taking over as General, and bodyguard! Oh, ya! Eh, uh, b-b-but your massiveness, a body like yours c-could use two bodyguards. How about just one... guarding the front door! Well, well. What do we have here? Come to grovel for mercy? No, I"m here to warn you! Warn us? Uh-huh! DK is in such killer shape he could knock Kong Fu down for the count! But if ya back off, he might let you go with just a warning this time. Whaddya say? [All laughing] Uh, uh, okay then, uh, uh, we could postpone the challenge, say, um, a year, yeah, a year... You know, make the fight fair and square. [All laughing] Uh, uh, okay, uh, fine! You"ll be sorry! I was just trying to give you a break. Oh, be I give Donkey Kong a break, a whole lot of breaks! Not to mention some lumps, bumps and bruises, "cause when I'm... [Whimpering] Klump! Stop snivelling! KLUMP: Uh, it"s not me, sir. It must be Krusha. Nope, not me. Then who? It was him! Oh! Liar, liar, fur on fire! He let the little monkey get away, too! Never mind about Diddy, it"s time to go to the battlefield. Let"s show Donkey Kong who rules! DIDDY KONG: Uh! DK, I"ve got great news! No news is gonna cheer me up. I"ve got a plan how you can beat Kong Fu! Yeah?! Oh, little buddy, that"s great! I knew I could count on you! That"s what side-kicks are fo-or! Ha-huh-ha! So, what"s the plan? Well, first we gotta get Cranky and Candy to stall the contest... ♪ Since when does the Donkey Kong Challenge include a pre-game show? It doesn"t! They"re stalling! Bravo! Encore. Bravo! Encore. All right, all right, let"s get on with the main event, shall we? What do we do now, little buddy? All we have to do is stall. According to the official rule book, if that yellow bellied Neanderthal, Donkey Kong, doesn"t show up then I win by default. We gotta go out, or else K"rool wins! No sweat, just tell me what to do to beat Kong Fu. I haven"t figured that part out yet. Uh, but you go on ahead. Huh? Donkey Kong! You made it! Booo! Hsss! Make way for the champ! Kongo Bongo"s biggest, strongest ape! I don"t get it. Yeah, what"s this plan of yours? All we gotta do is keep Kong Fu busy with the other two contests. Trust me! But DK can"t win the contest of the mind. Trust me. Come on, come on, let"s get on with it! I want to see Donkey Kong laid out! We, the challengees, choose to begin with the contest of the mind. Booo! Hiss! Cheater, cheater, banana bread eater! You can do it, DK. Just take your time. Question. How many pieces of string would it take to reach the moon? One kazillion, three hundred and forty-two million, seven hundred and sixty-five. K. ROOL: Eeeh. Wrong. Yippee. Woo-hoo! Loser! Same question, Kong Fu. How many pieces of string would it take to reach the moon? Hi-yo-ya-go! One. The answer is one. One piece of string. If it was long enough. He"s right, DK. [Laughing] He"s not only right, he's the winner of the contest of the mind! Whatever your plan is, it"s not working. My plan will work! All you have to do is stall the contest of the body! And now for the contest of the heart. No way! You chose the last contest, so I choose this one, and I choose the one where Donkey Kong gets beaten to a pulp! The contest of the body! Whoa! Oh, no! DK, you gotta hold off Kong Fu for as long as you can! Kong Fu! So-wah-whoa. Hiyah! Come on, get up! You"ll miss the big finale! Now to finish you off! I can"t bear to watch! Me neither. Five... Four... Three... Two... The eclipse! 3:35 p.m. exactly! So that was your plan. Yep! Ha-ha-ha, and it worked! Oh, and wait, it gets better! [Whimpering] Why, Kong Fu"s afraid of the dark! Huh-huh, I knew it was him! Why, he"s nothing but a big sissy! Get up, you spineless worm! Why he"s yellow-bellied and lily-livered! Ha-ha-ha! He"s a girlie ape. Sock it to him, DK! Wham! Bam! Yeah! Finish him off. You"ll win the challenge, DK! Ah... I can"t hit an ape when he's down. ALL: Huh?! The contest of the heart, Donkey Kong won! I did? BOTH: He did? Yeah! DK showed real heart for not taking advantage of his opponent when he was down. Look at him! [Laughing] Baby! DK, you did it! You won! Banana slamma! Now all I gotta do is... Beat you up. [Laughing] Now what was that about? A spine-a-less worm?! Yellow-bellied?! Find another chump to do your dirty work. I forfeit! What?! You can"t do that! Hey! Come back here! That means DK wins by default! Woo-hoo! That"s my boy! All right! Hooray for DK! Thank you very much! Thank you, thank you! Klump! Krusha! Back to the mines. By the time we get there, I"ll have thought of some way that I can blame all of this on you two home-spun idiots! Yes, sir! Hip hup, hip hup. You don"t have the coconut! Well, DK, I hope you learned how important it is to keep in shape. I sure did, and to prove it, tomorrow I"m starting my training for next year"s challenge. Thaaat"s great. But first, I wanna see if I can break my old banana record. Donkey Kong! What?! [All laughing] ♪ |