 "The trouble with you kids, is that you're all too soft!"
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Act 1[]
[Thumping] Oh, man! Ooh, ah, ah, ah! Ouch. That"s a bummer on the thummer. Hey, Funky, what"s this you dropped? Does nobody work around here? FUNKY: Hold that, hold that, dude. I was just putting up a poster, and Candy is lending me a paw. It"s from my new eats emporium, Funky"s Beautacious Bistro. The mind-blowing grand opening is tonight. Mmm, well, Candy, should I
allow you the honour of accompanying me? Ha, go on a date with you? [Laughing] Dream on, Bluster! [All laughing] So what were we laughing about? Bluster asked me to the opening of Funky"s new restaurant tonight. [All laughing] I don"t get it. Well, as if I"d go with him when you"ll be taking me. Yeah, of course I"m taking you. Who else would take you? If you"re going, I'm taking you. Psst, DK, what about the big game tonight? Uh, Candy, sorry, I can"t take you. Big game on the tube. Big game! What, you"re choosing a stupid ballgame over me? B-b-b-but-but it"s the championship. Can"t we go tomorrow night? That way, we"ll know if anybody got food poisoning tonight. No, tomorrow"s too late. You act like you"re the only fish in the sea, Donkey Kong. Well, here"s a news flash. You"re not! Ah, Candy, come on. Don"t be like that. Obviously not a ball fan. Oh, no! Get back here, double time. Yes, sir, Your Sass-ness. I just had the most delicious idea. I know exactly how to keep Donkey Kong running in circles until the proverbial cows come home. Krusha! Ahh! When did the cows leave? How many times have I told you not to sneak up behind me like that? Now get me a pencil and paper. I"m going to make Donkey Kong think Candy is really breaking up with him for good. That love-sick monkey won"t be much of a guard of the Crystal Coconut. [Evil laughing] There, how could Candy possibly resist me now. What"s this? Hair, my hair? Argh! My hair"s falling out! Don"t panic, don't panic! I"ve got just the tonic. "For beautiful manageable hair." "For full body hair." "For silky hair." What about falling-out hair? Keep calm. I"ll... I'll combine them all together. I"ve got to admit, big buddy, Candy did look kind of mad. Maybe you should talk to her, after the game, that is. No worries, little buddy. It"s not like someone else is going to come along and take my place, is it? I heard it with my own two ears. Relax, little buddy. The coast is clear. Go now, you lugubrious lizard. Hurry! [Clanging] Hey, look: it"s a letter for you, DK. Want me to read it? Sure. Oh, it"s from Candy! It"s probably an apology. Read on, little buddy. "Dear Donkey Kong: it" s over. I found someone else, a real ape who values romantic dinners, signed, your new ex-girlfriend, Candy. Let me read that. You know what this is? It"s a dear John letter! Uh, thank you. For a second there, I thought this was meant for me. It"s called a dear John letter. It means Candy"s found someone else. Oh. [Crying] Oh, why? Why? [Loud sobbing] Oh, come on, DK. Pull yourself together. Why don"t we find out who this new guy is, and you can give him a banana slamma to end all banana slammas. You"re just trying to make me feel better, Diddy. [Crying] And you know what? It"s working. There, that ought to keep the thick ape confused long enough for us to overpower Cranky and get our greedy little hands on the Crystal Coconut! [Greedy laughing] "Don" t mix with any other products. Don "t ask us why; just don't." [Smashing] Urgh, what a smell. I can"t use this. So what if I"ve lost a bit of hair? Argh, more hair! I"m shedding! [Exploding] [Laughing] Here"s what you do, big buddy. You make up with Candy, and then you dump her. I want to find out who this other ape is, little buddy. Hey. Whoa, I want to talk to you. You go first, I insist. Candy, how could you do this to me? What choice did I have? Then it"s true. You were there. You made a choice, and I made a choice. I didn"t see her choose a choice. She hasn"t chosen to choose. I have so made a choice right there. You"ve chosen? Who did you choose? Who? Oh, so you won"t tell me. Fine. Good luck because I"m the only game in town. [Jubilant laughing] I"m king of the world! Leaping lizards, K. Rool"s got the Crystal Coconut! Uh? What? Banana! Huh? Watch how a real ape saves the day, daddy-o! Now just a minute. That"s my job. Get off the track! Not a doing. You"re going to stop because that"s what you do when you're faced with an irresistible force. ♪ And irresistible is what I am, baby. ♪ Hey, kids ♪ The world just got cooler ♪ Stand back while I make the scene ♪ ♪ I"m the most... uh ♪ ♪ And that ain"t no boast ♪ ♪ I"m the swingin'est thing from coast to coast ♪ ♪ I"m a lizard's nightmare ♪ ♪ I"m every girl's dream ♪ ♪ The picture of perfect ♪ You know what I mean ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Pow ♪ I"m where it's at ♪ ♪ I"m a far-out happenin' cat ♪ ♪ Uh ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Baby I"m a trip ♪ [Candy screaming] ♪ Man it hurts to be this hip ♪ ♪ ♪ Cats dig ♪ It"s time to get hip now ♪ ♪ Hop aboard ♪ It"s a groovy ride ♪ ♪ Dig my threads ♪ My shades and my hair ♪ Step aside, squares ♪ I"m a lizard's nightmare ♪ ♪ I"m every girl's dream ♪ ♪ The picture of perfect ♪ You know what I mean ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Pow ♪ I"m where it's at ♪ ♪ I"m a far-out happenin' cat ♪ ♪ Uh ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Baby, I"m a trip ♪ ♪ Man, it hurts to be this hip ♪ Ahem! [Sighing] Now get along, little doggies. Vamooch! Yes, sir. Here you go, banana breath. Luster"s the name, your Luster. I"m charmed, baby, and I know you must be too. Call me Candy. Call me Donkey Kong, Candy"s boyfriend. Don"t you have to go polish that glass bobbin of yours? Come on, DK. Never mind him, just because he"s handsome and charming and a great dresser. You"ve got lots of great qualities too. Like what? ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Boom boom boom boom He sure was a nice feller. Nice smile. Hmmm. Hold it. Yes, sir. [Skidding] Yow, ooh! Ah! What just happened? Why did we give up the coconut? We had the coconut? He must have hypnotized us Klump, get back there and find out everything you can about what"s his name. Yes, sir, right away, sir. What is his name? I don"t know, you ninny. That"s why I'm sending you. Now get going. Hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, hip hop. [Sighing] I hear there"s a romantic little snack shack opening up in the p.m. What"s, say, we make the scene? I"d love to scene... I mean, go... Then it"s a date, say about 8:00? Huh? Oh. Cool! Uh-huh, gotta go. See you there. [Exploding] Uh-oh, I"m... I'm testing. Testing. I"m the boss, and the boss says... This can"t be good. I"m me again. I"ve got to make more serum if I"m going to keep my date with Candy. Well, get me a dobbin. It"s Bluster. DIDDY: Tea minus 20 minutes and counting to game time. Ha-ha-ha. What could Candy possibly see in that pompadour primate? Well, he was pretty cool looking, in a dumb barely walking missing-link sort of way. [Nervous laughing] I"ve got to think of some way to win Candy back. I guess you could swear off ballgames forever, and then beg her to let you take her to Funky"s tonight. Good idea, Diddy. I"m going to do it. DK, I was just kidding. Give up our ballgames? Let"s not be rash here. Diddy, sometimes an ape"s got to do what an ape"s got to do. Oh, DK, wait! Think, Bluster, think. A little of this, some of that, a lot of the other thing. The same weird looking smoke. [Sniffing] Yuck, the same putrid smell. All right, here goes nothing. [Vibrating] [Yelling] It sounds like our friend Bluster or perhaps his dapper doppelganger. That sounded like a zebra having his stripes removed. My hair, it"s gone. Now what have I done? Mumsie"s going to disown me. What was that formula? [Evil laughing] Sshh! Ssh! Ee-oh! The last of the ingredients. This had better turn me back into Leo Luster or I"m up the creek without a pompadour. Hey, Buster, are you in there? Oh, no. I can"t let that lummox see me like this. DONKEY KONG: Luster! Yow! Sorry, DK, you can"t come in. I"m... I'm taking a bath in my money. You know, it"s Friday night. Whatever, Bluster. I just want to talk to Candy. She"s not here. I gave her the day off with pay to get ready for some big date. Well, love to chat, but my money bath is losing interest. Got to go. Bye-bye. Bluster gave Candy the day off with pay? Something"s fishy here. Come on, let"s go. My secret formula, it "s... it" s... KING K. ROOL: Safe and sound with me, Bluster, or should I say Leonardo Luster? Give me that. I"ll need that tonight. I"ll give it to you on one condition, Smoothie. You get me the Crystal Coconut! ANNOUNCER: And now tonight"s starting line-up, brought to you by the Barrel of Monkeys" Funeral Home. Come on, DK. Sit down and relax, will you? The game"s about to start. How can I relax? Candy"s going to have dinner with that... that big ape. [Door creaking] Yoo-hoo, anyone home? It"s me. Don"t get up. Who"s getting up? Candy asked me to tell you she"s changed her mind and she wants you to meet her at Funky"s. Yes! She really had me worried there for a second. Well, what are you waiting for? You two go, and I"ll call you at Funky"s with the score. I"d better stay and watch the game... oh, I mean the Crystal Coconut. You make sure Donkey Kong gets there on time. I"ll guard the coconut, and I won"t even charge you for it. DONKEY KONG: Thanks, Bluster. First Bluster gave Candy the day off. Now he"s helping you get back together with her? I tell you, there"s something not right here. [Thudding] Ouch! It seems such a waste to give this to that slimy salamander. [Door creaking open] Flattery will get you nowhere. At last, the moment of triumph is at my greedy little fingertips once more. We had a deal: the Crystal Coconut for my serum. Would love to chat, but I"ve got a heavy date. Toodles! And now, all of Kongo Bongo! [Yawning] Yadda-yadda-yadda-yadda. I"ll be supreme ruler. All right, let"s go. DIDDY: Didn"t I tell you, big buddy? We"ve got tons of time. Candy"s probably still getting ready. You know how she likes to keep you waiting? Diddy, the Crystal Coconut is gone! BOTH: Bluster! [Exploding] Uh-oh, looks like rain. Cosmic bummer. Banana fish, Candy? Uh... urgh... no thanks, Funky. I"m trying to cut down. Candy, Funky, Bluster stole the Crystal Coconut. DK, what are you doing here? Hey, baby, sorry I"m tardy. Huh? I didn"t... were you late? Oh, by the way, Ray, about your little glass charm. I just saw three lizards making, like, Splitsville with it. Well, I guess someone should get it back, or K. Rool will become the ruler of Kongo Bongo. And that someone has always been me, Leo. Hey, where did he go? The first rule of cool: never send a chimp to do an ape"s job. Forget it, Luster. That"s my job, and I don't need any help! I"m right behind you, DK. Mmm. What do you call these? Banana fish rolls. Banana? Fish? DONKEY KONG: Hold it right there, Luster. [Thudding] Hey, watch the material, Muriel. If anyone"s going to get the Crystal Coconut back, it"s going to be me. I don"t Einstein so, and I don"t need any assist, so consider this a diss, Miss. Hey, monkeys, incoming! [Exploding] [Sighing] What? [Laughing] I can"t wait to see the look on Funky"s face when he gets back. Aye, Your Smugness. Oh, he should be a might surprised. Yes, sir! [Laughing] All right, Luster, do that thing you do with your eyes and get Krusha to open this cage. Oh, it"s easy for you to say, just twinkle twinkle. Well, it"s not that simple, I'll have you know. Luster, what are you doing here? What did you do with Leo? Leo? Yes, Leo. About Leo, the truth is I"m Leo. Hey, Bluster, even I"m not that dumb. Alas it"s true; I am Leo, or at least I was. I accidentally made some serum that changed me into him. What? Well, you"re not help to me as you, unless... Mmm, maybe we could fool K. Rool into thinking you can still hypnotize them. I could do that, or I could just use the last of my serum and really hypnotize them. That would work too. [Smashing] At least it would have if you weren"t such a clumsy klutz! We"ve only got one choice: you have to become Leo without the serum. What are you babbling about? How can I become him? I"m just filthy rich but snivelling coward Bluster. Believe it or not, somewhere deep down inside of you, Bluster, you"re Leo Luster. The serum just brought it out. ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Me me me ♪ Maybe take a trip Uh, that"s not it. [Vibrating] Arrgh! I"m back, baby. ♪ Hey, ha ♪ It"s good to be back here ♪ You"re beautiful ♪ ♪ And it"s straight from the heart ♪ ♪ It"s time ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ To fly the coop now ♪ Destination Splitsville ♪ I"m better than ever ♪ ♪ On top of my game ♪ Look in my eyes baby ♪ I"m not the same ♪ ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ Baby, I"m back ♪ ♪ I"m still a happening cat ♪ ♪ Meow ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ I"ve always had the stuff ♪ ♪ I"m that good ♪ ♪ You just can"t get enough ♪ ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ I"m an irresistible force ♪ ♪ I"m Leo Luster ♪ ♪ I"m like a heart attack baby ♪ [Thundering] ♪ Now I command let my people go, go ♪ I can do that. All right, Leo, hit him. Uh-oh. Try this: special military issue night-vision goggles so he can"t hypnotize you. I can"t see a thing, Klump. Uhh, that"s all the cool I got. Klump, get me out of here now! Oh, no, you don"t. Banana slamma! Argh! Gotta go! Ahh! Ha! Grrr! Uh-oh! Aah! Oh, brother. [Thumping] [Evil laughing] Get out of the way! Nothing is stopping me this time! Not a doing! You"re going to stop because that"s what you do when you're faced with an irresistible force. Umph! [Blowing] [Clinking] That"s it? You know the deal, Bluster. Go over and tell Candy the truth. Must I? [Sighing] Candy, there"s something I have to tell you. You see, the truth is... Have you seen that handsome Leo Luster anywhere? Oh, that"s just it. I"m Leo Luster. [Laughing] Ah! It"s true. I mixed up a secret formula and somehow became Leo. I"m sure you couldn't help noticing the similarities, mmm, Candy, mmm? Urgh! I"ll take it from here, Bluster. See, no more Leo Luster, just good old Donkey Kong, your favourite guy, and I"m here to have a romantic dinner with you, just us. How does that sound? Well, okay, I guess, just so long as you know the score, DK. Score? Oh, I almost forgot. Be right back after the game. See you, Candy. Donkey Kong! ♪ |