 "I wouldn't be seen dead in an article like this one!"
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Act 1[]
Okay, Donkey Kong, you've got your peace and quiet. Now what? I wrote a song for you, Candy. [Clearing throat] ♪ 100 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 100 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 99 banana bunches on the wall ♪ You wrote that for me? Yep. 'Cause you're prettier than a barrelful of bananas, Candy. And there's more, a lot more! ♪ 98 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 98 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 97 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 97 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 96 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 96 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 95 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 95 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 94 banana bunches... D'oooh! Donkey Kong, you blathering baboon! I should have guessed you were behind this! Out! Out of my factory! Now! Bluster! And you, back to work! ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 92 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 92 banana bunches on the... I'm the boss, and the boss says... ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to... ♪ Whooaaa! Help! I'm stuck! Help! Heeeeelp! Heeeeeeeelp! He-help! I had you all wrong, Donkey Kong. You are indeed a champ among chimps. I am forever in your debt, Donkey Kong.From this day forth, I, Bluster Kong, do hereby solemnly swear an oath of allegiance, to do all within my power to protect you from personal injury as long as I shall live. Bluster's decided to be your bodyguard? He says he owes me, Diddy. Donkey Kong! I can't allow you to risk falling from those vines! I beg you to permit me to chauffeur you to your destination! Might save a few calluses. Why not? Hey! DK, wait! What about... meeeeeee? Does anyone get the drop on us? No one gets the drop on us! Huh? Gee, thanks, Klump! [Giggling] Your head's even softer than I thought! See ya. Huh? Two apes flyin' around together? Another one droppin' out of the trees? Well this could only mean... Somethin'. ROOL: Well, it's obvious, General Klump, isn't it? One ape is a pain, two apes is, a conspiracy! A scheme, a plot! And we know who they're wangling against, don't we? Uh... Me! You unthinking tadpoles, me, me! Me! [Voice echoing] ♪ ♪ Everyone is plotting against me ♪ ♪ They're muttering behind me ♪ ♪ I smell a scam ♪ Donkey Kong and Bluster working together ♪ ♪ How naive do they think I am? ♪ ♪ No one's going to make a monkey outta me ♪ ♪ No one gets this diabolical sipping tea ♪ ♪ I'm the rightful ruler ♪ ♪ Anyone can see ♪ No one's going to make a monkey outta me ♪ ♪ They must be building a top secret weapon ♪ ♪ Mounting an army as fast as they can ♪ ♪ Enough of those two impudent apes ♪ ♪ What kind of fool do they think I am? ♪ ♪ I'm hearing voices in my head ♪ ♪ What should I do? ♪ I've got to break this rebellious plot in two! ♪ ♪ They're working on counter intelligence, after all ♪ ♪ What kind of intelligence do apes have with brains that small? ♪ ♪ No one's going to make a monkey outta me ♪ ♪ No one gets this diabolical sipping tea ♪ ♪ I'm the rightful ruler ♪ ♪ Anyone can see ♪ No one's going to make a monkey outta me ♪ Got it, Klump? My head hurts. Oh! He takes off with Bluster and leaves me hanging! No, not even hanging. He leaves me vineless! I let him give me a ride so he could repay his debt. Now we're even. Will you ever forgive me, little buddy? Ah, sure. Here, Crabby Crabby. Here, Crabby! Hey, Dixie. What's happenin'? What's shakin'? What's up? I'm looking for my pet crab, Dids. I can't find him anywhere! Ah, never fear, Diddy's here. Just shove an hors d'oeuvres plate in front of me and I can find the crab with my eyes closed. Here, Crappy! Crappy! Here, Crappy Crappy! It's Crab-'by'! You know, I really liked your song, Donkey Kong. Yeah? Well there's a whole lot more verses. Wanna hear 'em, Candy? Later. Right now... No! Hey! Fear not, Donkey Kong! I'll save you! Save me from what? Germs! Kissing germs! You sayin' I've got germs? Nothing a spoonful of Mother's frog fungus tonic won't fix! We may still have time. But, but... Ungh! Of all the nerve! Bluster's convinced he's gonna pay me back for saving him, by spending the rest of his life protecting me, Cranky! What's he going to protect you from? Noo! Off the barrel, Donkey Kong! You might fall and... I had no idea your day-to-day existence was so fraught with jeopardy. I know, he pack it in. Therefore, I have no choice but to... stay by your side 24 hours a day to protect you from these dangers. Looks like your new shadow parts its hair in the middle. King K. Rool: So, your in-depth, concise report of your spy vision makes one thing perfectly clear. You have absolutely no idea what those apes are up to, do you?! Which leaves me with only one recourse. Bring me that fancy pants monkey! When I'm finished with that ape, he'll be singing like a canary. Muahahaha! |
Act 2[]
Funky Kong: Whoa-ah-ah, slow down, dude. You're making me... [Yawning] Sleepy. To the point. Have you seen Donkey Kong? Funky Kong: Yeah, like, DK as in the big green? Vinin' through the pines, breezin' in the trees? Very nice. Now, Donkey Kong, have you seen him? Funky Kong: Man, you are one tangled orangutan! Hmph! Funky Kong: You were right, DK. BLUSTER: Yoo-hoo! Donkey Kong! Funky Kong: Bluster's hepped up high on this do or die hero jag. [Groaning] He's driving me crazy, Funky! Cramping my style! You gotta help me. Funky Kong: Then fasten your surf-belt, citizen, and catch this wave! (starts singing) Kick back and alpha zone-out ♪ Copasetic glide-by leaving' you with no doubt ♪ ♪ No need to wig, you dig? ♪ It's a hardcore full-tilt chillable gig ♪ ♪ Do that monkey like that monkey do you ♪ ♪ Listen to Funky 'cause the words ring true ♪ ♪ If you want to get a monkey off of your back ♪ ♪ Let him save your life and you'll be even ♪ ♪ It's as simple as that ♪ ♪ Rip curl, pipeline ♪ Maxin' the slam ♪ ♪ Be cool, bro ♪ It's a radical jam ♪ ♪ Run it up the neighbourhood ♪ Chill with ease ♪ Make you wanna bounce surf in ten degrees ♪ ♪ Do that monkey like that monkey do you ♪ ♪ Oh, listen to Funky 'cause my words ring true ♪ ♪ Rabba sabba labba, labba loca ♪ ♪ If you want to get a monkey off of your back ♪ ♪ Let him save your life and you'll be even ♪ ♪ It's as simple as that ♪ Heh, heh, haha, heh heh! ♪ Let him save your life and you'll be even ♪ ♪ It's as simple as that ♪ Just leave everything to the funkiest of monkeys! Heh heh heh hoo! Ready! Funky Kong: Okay, Diddy. Start pilin... [Donkey Kong singing] ♪ Oh, 99 banana bunches on me ♪ 99 banana bunches [Voice becoming muffled] ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 98 banana bunches on me Phew. [Muffling grumbling from pile] Think it'll work this time, Funky? Funky Kong: This plan is foolproof, Diddy. As long as the fool doesn't eat his way out before Bluster can rescue him. Funky Kong: And here he comes, right on time! Faster, Diddy! [Munching under pile] Heh, I'll zoom by and grab that ape in one fell swoop. Funky Kong: Help, Bluster! KLUMP: Ready, Krusha? Funky Kong: Donkey Kong is in... Now! Whoa! FUNKY: DK's trapped under this banana pile! I'll save you! Klump: BOTH: Huh? KLUMP: Stop this thing! Germs, barrel rolling, rabid orangutans, banana piles? I can't believe the trouble you get yourself into, Donkey Kong! So you're gonna give up trying to protect me? Nothing of the sort. From now on, I'm going to keep my eye on you... every, single, second. Well then, make that two eyes. Donkey Kong? One can only imagine the trouble he's got himself into this time. Oh, Donkey Kong? He most certainly has a habit of stepping right into it. Hmm, what's this then? Ahh! Who turned out the lights? KLUMP: Stoooooop! KRUSHA: Ahh! KLUMP: Stop! Will somebody stop this thing?! Help! Bluster, help! The plane is out of control! Funky Kong: Now, this plan's going to work like a 40-foot dream wave, Diddy. Wow, it really looks like the plane is outta control! [Giggling] Bluster won't have a clue you're controlling it. He'll swoop in in his barrel-copter, save DK, and then no one will owe anyone anything. Funky Kong: And old hair-part will finally be off DK's case! It's more fun being in one of these biplanes than on top of some skyscraper. But where's Bluster? Hey, it's Dixie's pet crab. Aw, isn't he cute? Eating through all those funny-looking wires? Uh oh. This is probably a bad thing. Heeeeelp! The plane's outta control! Whoa, Funky, DK's acting suddenly improved, huh? Uh, maybe you should ease off a little, Funky. That stuff you're doing looks kinda dangerous. Uh, Funky? Funky Kong: Bad mojo, short stop. Look, Ma! No hands! You mean the plane is really out of control? DK: Heeeelp!
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Act 3[]
I'm one gone gorilla, one adios ape, one past his primate! One... CRANKY: Worthless, knuckle-dragging numbskull! Cranky! I mean Cranky's hologram, I mean... You don't know bananas about flying a plane! Quick, pull back on the yoke, till you level the altimeter. I didn't know you could fly. CRANKY: I'm one heck of a Merengue dancer, too. But this is no time to be discussing my list of accomplishments! Pull the yoke! ROOL: All right, you slick-haired, thick-jawed throwback! I know you and Donkey Kong are plotting against me. I want every last detail of your secret operation! I don't know what you're talking about! I had an operation on my baby toe once, but that's it! Games, is it? Aaahh! Penance? My factory! Sounds like hard labour. Extremely hard labour. You'll find out just how hard, unless you tell me the plan, Blister! But there is no plan! And that's Bluster. Time's running out. Get ready for some blisters, Bluster. Some hero I turned out to be. I can't even get myself out of a jam! Oh, what would Donkey Kong do? Think, Bluster, thi... Don't I get a last request? A last request? I suppose. But it can't be too expensive. Not at all. I simple wish... [Clearing throat] To sing a song. ♪ 100 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 100 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 99 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 99 banana bunches ♪ If one of the bunches should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 98 banana bunches on the wall ♪ Everybody, come on, join in! Ahaha! 97 banana bunches on the wall 97 banana bunches But I still don't understand why Bluster didn't come to the rescue! Why do you think I came to you in the first place? I saw a vision of Bluster in the Crystal Coconut. He was in King K. Rool's factory. Funky Kong: Sounds like the hero saver needs saving. Bananaaaaaaa, slamma! ALL: Whoooaaah! DIDDY: The other way, DK, the other way! It's such a waste. Funky Kong: How loose, Big C? DK can take care of himself. I mean your plane. Funky Kong: Oh yeah. Bummer. ♪ 1 banana bunch on the wall ♪ 1 banana bunch ♪ If the bunch should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 1 banana bunch on the wall ♪ 1 banana bunch ♪ And if that bunch of bananas should bruise ♪ ♪ No more banana bunches on the waaa-aaaall! ♪ [Coughing] One more time! ♪ 100 banana bunches on the wall ♪ ♪ 100 banana bunches ♪ If the the bunch should happen to bruise ♪ ♪ 1 banana bunch on the wall King K. Rool: That's enough! Onto the platform! Blister! Those who are about to... work, salute you. [Sobbing] King K. Rool: Good riddance. DK: Banana slamma! King K. Rool: The apes are making a move! DK: I think I'm getting the hang of this! [Giggling] Attaboy, DK! Hang on, little buddy. Hang on! King K. Rool: Ooooh, where's that scaly, fang-toothed fathead Klump when I need him? Krusha: Uh, is that, uh, recall, reco-questin', your cold-bloodedness? Looks like we made the scene just in time. Ooh, I am doubly indebted to you now, Donkey Kong! You don't sound pleased? Never mind, Bluster. Just get in the plane. King K. Rool: No one's going anywhere. Did I hear someone sing '100 Kritters on the wall'? Um, I, I believe that's supposed to be, uh, bananas. [Nervous giggling] King K. Rool: Looks like your shift is about to start. Oh, but don't worry, you'll get a coffee break every thousand years or so! Hahaha! Hey Bluster, this is devastating. We're done for, doomed, yet you look... Curious? Yes, as to what that crab is doing on King K. Rool's back. King K. Rool: You think someone with my educational background is going to fall for such a desperate, infantile trick as the old crab on the back routine? Yeeeaaaaaaooooow! Ow, ow, ooh, ooh, ow! Ah, ah, ooh, ooh! Ooh. Banana, slamma! What? No! Whoa! [Squashing] What good did that do? Oh, we'll need a miracle to get out of this one! How about an out of control general in an out of control mine car? KLUMP: Ahhh, aaahhhh! Whoooa! Aaahhh! Since my crab diversion saved not only you, but your chatterbox buddy as well, we are now even, Donkey Kong. You don't know how thankful I am, Bluster. And so you should be. You're much too accident prone to be anywhere near. You're a hazard to my health. Oh, has anyone seen my pet crab?
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