 "Now, off you go!! See if you can't finish this ridiculous article without my help!"
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Act 1[]
Diddy: No way, DK. There's no way that mutant prehistoric lizard could have beat up the giant ape. Donkey Kong: Chill out, little buddy. It's just a movie. Diddy: It's a lousy movie. That lizard stomped an entire city to smithereens. All the ape did was climb up some stupid building. Donkey Kong: But the ape had heart. I mean, you felt something for it. Diddy: And he got the girl. [Laughing] [Crashing] Hey, what's up at Cranky's? [Zapping] CRANKY: Next! All right, stand still or I won't get a clear picture. Don't sweat it. I'm in alpha state. [Laughing] I'm in the drone zone. Cool! Good ride. Back side 180 off the lip. Stop moving, you moron! I'm taking an x-ray of your brain. Cool. I'll take an 8 by 10 and three wallet size. The brain is already wallet size. Now stop moving. [Zapping] Whoa-ho-ho! How does it look? Shipwrecked. Cool! A serious case of water on the brain. Hey, Diddy, how was the movie? Bogus! Mmm, you smell delicious, Candy. Thanks, DK. It's called 'Banana Dreams.' No wonder I like it so much. [Zapping] Whoa! What's going on? What are K. Rool's goons doing here? Cranky's breaking in his new x-ray machine. Free x-rays for everyone on Kongo Bongo! Even for the Pond Gacks. All right, lizards, today is the day. Yeah, right. Heard this story before. Today, we will take over Kongo Bongo. At this very moment, Krusha has bravely infiltrated Cranky's cabin under the guise of getting a medical exam to seize the Crystal Coconut. Once that beautiful orb is in my possession, Kongo Bongo will fall at my feet! [Maniacal laughter] CRANKY: Ah, fascinating. No brain. I might have suspected. Oh, great, it slipped a little. All right, smarty pants, one more sec. I'm gonna run another test. [Explosion] Lousy mail order hunk of junk! This is the second time it's malfunctioned! I want a refund! Oh, goody. CRANKY: That's it. I've had it. Piece of trash. That's more like it. Krusha, you big baboon, where did you go? Krusha? Oh, well. Next! My turn! Ahem! I don't think so. You're going to butt in? No, no, no. I'm just taking my rightful place as Bluster, the most prominent citizen in all of Kongo Bongo. What a heartless... Mean... Inconsiderate... Selfish... Windbag! I am a remarkable specimen. Sound of mind, body of a Greek God. Yeah, ha-ha, Bloopo, the God of fat heads. [All laughing] Your turn, Candy. No, I can't. Now my lunch hour is up. It's you, Dixie. Pass, gotta scram. See ya around, Diddy, DK. CRANKY: I don't believe it. The result of my check-up, no doubt. Come on, let's go in. What's up, Cranky? I've got Bluster's x-rays here and it doesn't look good. Whatever's wrong, it's terminal. Huh? Yikes! It looks awful! Oh, no. Here's the problem. Wow, it's totally falling apart. I give it a week, max. A week? A measly little week is all I have left? Nothing we can do. Kaput! Kaput? [Crying] Oh, cruel twist of fate! So young, so handsome, so brave. Why me, why me? Why not somebody poor and unattractive? I have so much to live for. My charm, my good looks. My mommy's money. What a sad, sad day for poor old me. Well, at the very least, I have my reputation. Oh, no, my reputation. Unless I change it, turn over a new leaf. One whole week to make my mark in history. One whole week to become... Bluster the Benevolent. I will be remembered as a straight-up, honest guy ♪ ♪ Who will gladly give his life to save the average passerby ♪ ♪ They'll erect a stature in honour of me ♪ ♪ A monument to symbolize my bravery ♪ ♪ Bluster the Benevolent ♪ Hailed as a king ♪ Blessing one and all instead of cursing everything ♪ ♪ I would hand out daisies and rescue kittens from a tree ♪ ♪ And pick up all the litter that falls in front of me ♪ ♪ Maybe they will name a city after me ♪ ♪ With plaques on every building ♪ ♪ Signs of my nobility ♪ Bluster the Benevolent ♪ Hailed as a god ♪ Spreading joy and love ♪ Instead of bumbling like a clod ♪ ♪ Bluster the Benevolent ♪ Wins the Nobel prize ♪ For bringing world peace about ♪ ♪ In the blink of an eye Where is that imbecile Krusha? Where is my Coconut? I'm back, your highness. And guess what I got? Oh, at last, the Coconut. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Give me that beautiful orb of power. Uh, presenting the Crystal Coconut. Hit it. BOTH: Ta-da! Ta-da... oops. Wrong hand. Ta-da! Yikes! Well, where is it? It-it-it was right here. I-I-I had it right here. All right, where is it, guys? Well, you stole it from Cranky's, then we went to the swamp for refreshments, then, oh, then there was that very cute lizard. Yeah, right. And I handed her the Coconut and... You handed her the Coconut?! Uh, uh-oh. I didn't get it back. Uh, back in a jiffy. The brains of a newt! |
Act 2[]
Stand back, everyone! Bluster the Benevolent is here. Come on through, Cranky. All clear. Out of my way, you nitwit. When I'm gone to the big banana patch in the sky, be sure to tell everyone about Bluster the Benevolent. I'm off to do more good deeds. I'll tell them about you all right. Ahhhh! I'll tell them about Bluster the Buffoon! Whoa! [Changing stations] Hang 10, hang 11, hang 12, hang 13. Channel surfing, killa! WOMAN ON TV: This is the gadget hour on Shop 'Til You Drop... BLUSTER: Oooh, Candy! The gorilla of my dreams. Yeow! What is she doing? CANDY: A one, two, dip. Stretch, one, two. A signal! Hang 58. [Woman screaming on TV] Excellent! Horror flick. WOMAN ON TV: Save me! Help, save me! Bluster the Benevolent to the rescue! What's that? Whoa! Ahhh! [Crashing] Have no fear, Bluster's here! My condo! What are you doing, you fat-head! Do I look like I need saving?! Uh, no, but if you had needed saving, I would have saved you. [Chuckling] Forgive me, Candy, but I've turned over a new leaf. This is the new me. Bluster, you trashed my condo and Funky's place. You're a menace to the whole island. Oh, forget your crummy little condo. Marry me, Candy. Yes! And we can live out my last golden days together in the cushy luxury of my mother's mansion. You have lost it. Not quite. But before I do, I'm offering you an opportunity of a lifetime. The opportunity to become Mrs. Bluster the Benevolent. The brave widow of a national hero. [All crying] Testing, testing... [Crying continues] Oh, Bluster, our friend, our bravest, kindest and richest citizen. No one will ever fill his spats. I'm sorry, I can't go on. A righteous dude and a real party animal. Hang 10 for me on that killer wave in the sky, big guy. [Crying] He was the greatest! We had a lot of laughs. But... that's all for now. Bluster, oh, Bluster the Benevolent, you were so perfect. The perfect gentleman. The perfect husband. [Crying] Bluster, get real! It's all true, so true. I was wonderful, wasn't I? I miss me. Get over yourself. Now what are you going to do about my condo? Wait! If you're my widow, that means you inherit it all. The Barrelworks are yours. Really? Yes, my sweetiekins. [Clock ticking] I'm waiting. Where is Krusha?! Uh, right here, your mightiness. It's about time. Give it here. Oh, my Coconut. [Laughing] [Bird squawking] No way, DK, it just wasn't a fair fight. The giant ape was 100% ape but the lizard was some mutant science experiment gone bonkers. It was just a movie, little buddy. Huh? Ah... um... Good morning, gentlemen. It's not easy becoming a legend with such a short deadline. Deadline, what a horrible word. Whatcha got there, Bluster? They happen to be the blueprints for Bluster the Benevolent's memorial. Ta-da! Bluster Kong Memorial? Uh, what for? Hmph! Oh, please, don't try to spare me. I heard you and Cranky talking about how I'm not long for this world, might last another week, then kaput. We weren't talking about you. That was Cranky's x-ray machine. It went kablooey. I can take it. Don't sugar coat it for me. I've made arrangements for everything. Do you think the 50-foot life-like statue is too much? BOTH: Yes. Good. Bluster, unfortunately, you're gonna be hanging out a long time. It's so sweet of you to try to cheer up poor terminal me. But I can handle the truth. I'm off to do more good deeds before I head for the big banana plantation in the sky. He didn't believe us. What a dope. [Laughing] He thinks he gonna kick. We got to find some way to make him believe us or Bluster the Benevolent is gonna kill us all with his good deeds. ALL: Hail to King K. Rool! Hail to King K. Rool! Hail to me. This is my finest hour. ♪ It's great to be a king ♪ ♪ I seem to have a knack for taking everything I want ♪ ♪ And giving nothing back t ♪ ♪ I'll take away your jellies ♪ ♪ I'll take away your jams ♪ ♪ Have a nice vacation when I take your travel plans ♪ Now that I have the power ♪ This is my finest hour ♪ Nothing on this Earth can stop me now ♪ ♪ Everything is mine ♪ I finally have control ♪ Oh, excuse me ♪ I hope I don't sound too droll ♪ ♪ I'll take your color TVs ♪ ♪ And a banana, if you please ♪ And I'll put an end to this silly world peace ♪ ♪ Fools, while I watch you cower ♪ ♪ This is my finest hour ♪ Bait you on my hook just like a worm ♪ ♪ Before I crush you like a bug ♪ ♪ Come over here and give me a hug ♪ ♪ It gives me so much joy to watch you squirm ♪ Stop right there, K. Rool! What is this? |
Act 3[]
How do we make him stop? With a cherry soda right there on the shelf, next to the supersonic vita-punch pack. Cherry soda? He thinks he has a fatal disease? Yeah. All we got to do is convince him that this cherry soda is a new miracle drug that will cure him. Cherry soda's a miracle drug? Of course not. But he'll think so and he'll stop destroying Kongo Bongo by trying to be a hero. Besides, I've been trying to unload that stuff for ages. Diddy, DK, Cranky! Red alert! It's all over the island. King K. Rool's got the Crystal Coconut! Don't be ridiculous! The Crystal Coconut's right there in its case. ALL: It's missing! Bluster's on his way to K. Rool's to be the big hero and get the Coconut back all by himself. They'll turn him into lizard bait. Quick, DK, grab that cherry soda and get going! You've got to stop Bluster before he gets there. DK: Let's hurry up, little buddy. BLUSTER: Hand over the Coconut, you prehistoric throw-back, or Bluster the Benevolent will pulverize you! Too late. What a dumb baboon. Is this the fiendishly brilliant plan of a master strategist or is he simply the stupidest ape on two feet? The stupidest ape. You don't frighten me, K. Rool. I've got nothing to lose. DK: Yo, Bluster, over here. Excuse me. Hold that thought. Here he comes. What do you want? Bluster the Benevolent is in the process of completing his most heroic act to date and you're stepping on his toes. Well, here's to ya, Bluster. Toasting my victory. Slightly premature, but, well, why not? It's Cranky's new miracle elixir. You're cured. So it's not worth you getting busted up by a bunch of Kritters. Cured? I'm cured? Forget what I said before. I'm cured! I'm cured, I'm cured! Long live me! Get that idiot! But I'm cured. DK, you gave him the supersonic mega-punch pack instead of the cherry soda! Ahhh, hello, newts! Ready to rumble? My army. My precious Kritters. Time to slither away. Bluster saves the day! One minute you're up, the next minute you're down. Here he comes. Thank you, thank you. No need for thanks. For the incredible death-defying feats of heroism and courage. For the acts of kindness. I have something for all of you. [All moaning] Don't worry, the supersonic vita-punch pack should be wearing off any second. We need to put it in a place of honour. It... will... serve as... an example. An example of a big baboon. [Crashing] What happened? My portrait! The windbag ran out of steam. Wait! I haven't given my speech yet. One minute you're up, the next minute you're down.
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