 "I wouldn't be seen dead in an article like this one!"
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Act 1[]
Only one day left till the annual soccer game against the lizards. Are you nervous, big buddy? Why should I be nervous? Ooh, because you're our star player and you haven't even practiced yet, and because if we lose against the lizards, it'll be the first time ever. And that will be worse than just about anything. Relax, little buddy. There's nothing to be nervous about. We can practice now with this. Stay still... Don't give away our position. Yes, sir... Banana slamma... Oof! Ouch... Now I'm nervous. Ooh. It looked really good, till the end. Eh, maybe you should try your other foot. Banana slamma! Jeepin' jungle bugs! You got it! The big foot kick is definitely the play of the day! Look at that coconut go! Not too shabby! Hey... Mm... Soccer spies! Let's get 'em! Yeah! Let's get 'em! Our position's no longer secure! Retreat! You're just lucky he didn't practice his big foot kick on your tails! You call that a soccer kick, mister? My grandmother could kick better than that, and she's got webbed feet! How many times have I told you not to play indoors? Now, give me that ball! Okay. Oof! It can't be... I don't believe it! My years of malignant malfeasance have paid off! And you two little whippersnappers playing a little trick on Uncle K. Rool, were we? Pretending this precious little beauty was a soccer ball. Yeah... Tell me, Klump, however did you get your hands on it? I want to hear all about it! Spare me no diabolical detail! All right, well, it was a suicide mission. Chances were none of us would come back alive. Danger was at every turn. Suddenly, there was the coconut. I zigged! I zagged! I serpentined. I was pinned under enemy fire, and then... I found it on the beach. Yes, yes, whatever. All I care is... Ooh, I have you now, my beauty! I have the Crystal Coconut! You do? Where'd you get it at? You carry your jokes too far! Now, with this Crystal Coconut in my possession, I shall divine the mysteries of the universe. The Coconut will reveal all! Hm? No glowing? No humming? No nothing? Maybe it's not plugged in. Uh, maybe it's, uh... just a big old coconut, sir. This is not the Crystal Coconut? You thought... [Laughing] I should've known better! You two leather lunk-heads couldn't mastermind your way out of bed, let alone figure out a way to steal the Crystal Coconut on your own. Klump, this is your doing! Uh, permission to ask why, sir? Because you're so dense, you can't tell on coconut from another. But... but... you were fooled too, your easily confused-ness. Fooled? I'm never fooled. Besides, that's got nothing to do with it. Wait a minute. If I, King K. Rool, the smartest, craftiest creature on Kongo Bongo, was, um, shall we say, misled by this Crystal Coconut wannabe, who else would be? You can count on Krusha and me, sir. Fooling you two is not exactly a world class challenge. I wonder what those airheaded apes would make of this reasonable facsimile. Yes... You don't realize just how lucky you are to have me as your soccer coach. At the first Apes-Lizards soccer game, I coached Eddie the Yeti and Bluster and came up with a play that won the game. It's complicated, but it's a doozy. Can't you sit still for half a second without jumping and jittering all over the place? Sorry, but you have to admit, it is kind of boring. Boring? You call this boring? This is... This is... I have no idea what this is. Ooh! You two numbskulls made me forget the winning play, with all your fooling around! I'll go see if Bluster remembers the play. He was a student of the game, not like some monkeys I could mention. Cranky is out of the way. Let's initiate "Operation: Switcheroo." I said, 'Do you remember winning play?' What on Earth are you talking about? What windy day? Winning play! Pay? Surely you don't expect any pay without actually working. Only my job allows for that. Soccer! Sock her? Cranky, whatever are you talking about? I would never strike an employee. They could sue me. And besides, I would never harm a hair on Candy's head. Ew! Too bad the feeling ain't mutual. Never mind. I'll figure out the play myself. Ready? Hey, monkeys! I thought I smelled swamp gas. Look what I got. Am I crazy, or is that the Crystal Coconut? That a two part question, and affirmative on both parts. Got it, Diddy. Open her up, little buddy. I don't know how those crocs got their slimy claws on the Crystal Coconut, but... Leaping lollipops! The Coconut's already here! Hey, what's going on? I don't get it! [Laughing] Hey! Thanks, appreciate it! Gimme' that coconut! I got it, I got it! I don't got it. I got it! I got it! BOTH: Oof! Grab the Coconut, you twit! BOTH: Okay. Not you. I meant my twit. BOTH: I got it! Have a nice trip! I got it! I... Ooh! I got one. And I got one. Hey... Oh, no! We're back where we started!
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Act 2[]
That would mean I don't, which means I'll take that, and you can have this. I remembered the winning play! (gets run over by Klump and Krusha taking the real coconut) Hey! (stands up) Thanks for nothing! You made me forget whatever it was I remembered! What's the matter with you, Donkey Kong? Why'd you let those two ignorant iguanas in here? You should be thanking me, not hollering at me. That's right! DK, my best buddy and future ruler of Kongo Bongo, just rescued the Crystal Coconut. Yet again. He just made me forget my winning soccer play all over again is what he did. Hey, maybe the Crystal Coconut can help you remember. You know, that's the first intelligent thing you've said in ages. DK: Thank you. K. ROOL: Looks like the Crystal Coconut. Smells like the Crystal Coconut. Feels like the Crystal Coconut. (starts singing) Could it be? I have what I've wanted Just a minute ♪ I want to savour this moment ♪ The power that I now possess ♪ Suits me well ♪ I must confess it's good to be a glorious me Do you know what this will mean to me? I'm the power over all that I see Kneel before me as I reign supreme Do you know what this means? What don't you just rip my heart out? Do you know what this means? The Crystal Coconut in the hands of that fiendOur future's in doubt You dimwitted lout! This is the worst thing that could ever have happened! This could cost us everything! We're doomed! You boneheaded baboon! Now go! Go out and get the coconut back! And don't come back until you get it! No problem! We'll get the real one back from K. Rool. We can be there in no time. We can be there less than no time. If speed's what you want, then speed's what you'll get! Fast is the slowest we go! Will you shut your pie-hole and get going already?! And get this worthless piece of junk out of my sight! Banana slamma! Woo-hoo! I've gotta admit, your big foot kick is coming along nicely. Hey, DK, you're getting good! Pass it over here! You're the man! Look at those little feet go! That's our secret weapon. With my big feet, and your little ones, we can win any soccer game. Big feet for a kick, little feet for a pass! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm waiting! I'm waiting! We can use the same moves to get the Crystal Coconut back! Come on, I've got an idea! Oh-ho, this is gonna be so great! Krusha... Wanna come out and play soccer? DK: Oh, Krusha, wanna play? Can I got out to play? Yeah, as long as it's in traffic. Don't forget to bring your own ball! Where's my ball? Oh, there it is. Is this the one you meant? Good boy, Krusha! Let's get down to some serious fun. Krusha, you start. Let's get that ball in play. Hey, that's my move! Try it again, Krusha! Pass it over here! Come on, put some foot into it! DK: You can do it Ow! Huh? What? Close enough. Heads up, Diddy! I did it! I mean, I got it! I mean, here, Krusha! You pulled a switch! I saw that! That wasn't supposed to happen! Whoa! Diddy, over here! Nobody's playing with me! I did it! What? Oh, you did it all right. You just passed him the Crystal Coconut. Passing's good, right? Wait a sec! I thought Diddy gave me the real Crystal Coconut! Uh-oh! Hey, Diddy, we have the wrong one. Take this one! I got it! Are you sure this is the real one? I don't know, looks real to me... Sort of. You don't know? DK, we can't have the wrong one. We have to have the right one. Tell me we don't have the wrong one. I think we have the wrong one. What? Stay calm, we can't let them know. I've got an idea. I give up, this is the real Crystal Coconut. You win. I thought you'd see it my way. Here, chew on this. The old switcheroo! Let's get out of here.
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Act 3[]
Cranky? Yoo-hoo, Cranky, where are you? Look, the Crystal Coconut is back! Kongo Bongo is safe, and if that doesn't call for a banana, I don't know what does. DK, over here. Check this out. Cranky left us a note. Hm, I wonder why Cranky didn't send his hologram. (reads the note from Diddy) 'I didn' t send my hologram, because you two chuckle-heads lost my Crystal Coconut. 'I' ve gone to the White Mountains to ask Eddie the Yeti about the winning soccer play. If, by any miracle, you've retrieved the Crystal Coconut, bring it here to me.' Gee, I wonder why he wants us to do that? 'Stop asking questions and just do it, you numbskull!' Sorry, it's what's written here. That's okay, little buddy. Come on, Coconut, it's time to chill out. To the White Mountains! So, Eddie, do you remember when I taught you that great play for the Soccer Game? Who you? Me? I'm Cranky! Cranky, your coach! Ah, Cranky! I remember! Good. So you remember when I taught you and Bluster... Who Bluster? The rich obnoxious ape with a moustache and a mumsy. I remember! So that play I taught you... Do you remember? [Giggling] Who am I kidding? Old switcheroo! That's it! The old switcheroo! You remembered! No remember. Keep diary! You're all mine... Oh, I could kiss you... What are you doing here? Just guarding your prize, your slobbery smoochi-ness. It wasn't a dream! You're really mine! All mine! I love you... And I know you love me. So as a token of your affection, why don't you just grant me a small request? I said, 'Grant me a request!' Nothing? No glowing? No humming? No magic? Nothing? How dare you defy K. Rool, your lord and master! Klump! What do you know about this? Whoops. 'Whoops'? What kind of explanation is 'whoops'? Well, not a very good one, your king-of-the-castle-ness. This is not my Crystal Coconut! Uh, well, that would be correct, sir. However, confidence is high that we can relocate said coconut, and, um, reassign it to you, sir... Where is my coconut? The apes have it, sir. You everglades escapees... You cretinous crustaceans! If you want anything done right around here, you've got to see to it yourself. I will switch the coconuts myself, and you will observe. Now, let's go! Move it! Let's go! Move it! Uh, huh? Why are we going through the mountains, your cold-blooded-ness? Those banana brain baboons won't expect to see us advancing from the mountains. Now, quick! My footsies are getting cold. DK, slow down! There's no one chasing us! And I want to keep it that way! Get him! Looky here, looky here Look what I've got Don't think I won't let Little Diddy drop Hold it now, hold it now Hold it, hold it right there You wouldn't drop Couldn't drop You wouldn't dare I'm a reasonable raving derange-able despot I'll tell you what We'll trade like a stock exchange Wheel and deal How's that feel? It's a steal Diddy for the coconut The coconut for Diddy Don't do it, don't do it He's bluffing I hope I guarantee, as you see There's no pity for Diddy No bluffin', no bluffin', No bluffin', no bluffin' Wait a sec, what the heck Let us make a trade Give me my little buddy and we'll stop this escapade Diddy for the coconut The coconut for Diddy I'm going to count to ten and it's up to you then One One, one This is fun DK beware Take care, it's a snare He's just guffin' He be bluffin' It's K. Rool who'll stop at nothin' Two, and you, it's a cue What you gonna do? Gotta think what to do Or my little buddy's through Give up the coconut or else he's gonna drop you ♪ How touching, I may cry Don't you see? ♪ Do I hear three? Three, three Let him drop him then we'll see Three, three Make him Diddy fricassee Hey big buddy Did you see, did you see? You can save the coconut The coconut can save me Four! Wait, there's more, Got a plan, got a trick You can use your big foot Hit 'em with the big foot kick ♪ What? Five That's no jive, Take a dive Six and seven Time to learn a lesson Come on, big buddy Use your big foot kick I get it, I get it Little buddy that's slick ♪ But I got two coconuts so which one do I pick? ♪ Eight! Wait, I have to concentrate Nine! Can't decide, do or die, Running out of time ! Ten! Time to end this drama! Here goes nothing Banana slamma! K. ROOL: He broke my coconut! Uh-oh... KLUMP: Get me out of here! Diddy! Diddy, Diddy, please be there! Please be there! Nice kick, big buddy! [Chuckling] Did you think so? I was worried that I didn't get enough leg in it, but then I... Uh, DK, maybe you could rescue me and then we'll do the colour commentary? Oh, sorry, little buddy! (pulls Diddy on the ground) My best little buddy. (Hugs Diddy close) You're all right. I'm fine. No sweat. I wasn't worried for a second. Hey, look! Huh? I wonder if it's the real Crystal Coconut or the fake? You mean you didn't know which Coconut you were kicking? I had no idea. All I knew was I had to save you. Wow! You'd risk giving the Crystal Coconut to the enemy just for me? Well, you are my best buddy. What if... this isn't the real Crystal Coconut? Then, as my best buddy, you'll just have to hide me from Cranky for the rest of my life. Time to find out. It's the Crystal Coconut! You did it, DK! You did it! [Laughing] I guess it was just cold! Look, here comes Cranky! We did it, Cranky! We saved the Crystal Coconut! I can see that, you big ape. You think just because I'm old, I can't see? So I guess you saw the part where DK almost kicked away the wrong coconut, giving it right to... Ahem. Huh, you what? Never mind. So, did you remember your famous soccer play? Sure did. The play was called 'the big switcheroo!' Get this, we hide a fake soccer ball on the sidelines that's an exact lookalike to the one in play, and then, when nobody's looking, we do... BOTH: The big switcheroo. Been there, done that. Have I told you this play before? K. ROOL: Oh, if I get pneumonia, I'm going to boil you two into soup. KLUMP: Gesundheit. KRUSHA: Your cold-blooded-ness.
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