 "I wouldn't be seen dead in an article like this one!"
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Act 1[]
Candy: But you just spent the last three days with Donkey Kong. Diddy: Yeah, three days of solid rain, cooped up in here. Candy: But this is my first day off in weeks, Diddy, and I planned to spend my afternoon with my boyfriend. Diddy: Yeah? Well, I plan to spend my afternoon with my best buddy. Candy: Yeah? Well, he'd rather spend time with me. Diddy: Oh, you think so, Candy? Ha! Well, I know for a fact he'd rather spend time with me. Candy: Really? Donkey Kong: It's so nice to be popular. Diddy: Tell her, DK! Tell Candy you'd rather be with me. Donkey Kong: Well, I, uh... Candy: Tell him, Donkey Kong. Tell Diddy you'd much rather be with me. Donkey Kong: Well, uh, well, this is... Cranky: Quit your blabbering, Donkey Kong, I want that miserable butt of yours in my cabin yesterday. Now move it! Donkey Kong: Cranky, nice to see you too. Gotta go! You know how cranky Cranky gets when you keep him, uh, waiting. Diddy: ♪ I don't know what you got brewin'. But I know what DK's doin'. He's gonna spend time watchin' monkey movies with me. ♪ Candy: ♪ Oh, please, I don't think so. My man's gonna eat like a beast. 'Cause I prepared a banana feast. I'm gonna treat him like the king he is. ♪ Diddy: ♪ Hah! We'll see about that! You don't seem to understand. ♪ Candy: ♪ Get it through your head if you can. Didn't you see the look in his eyes. ♪ Diddy: ♪ Girl, it's time for you to get wise. ♪ Candy and Diddy: ♪ That's why he'd rather be with me. ♪ Candy: ♪ I know what he wants 'cause a girl can tell. ♪ Diddy: ♪ Only a buddy knows him well. ♪ Candy: ♪ My love is the food that feeds his heart. ♪ Diddy: ♪ With snacks and sodas, you'll never tear us apart. ♪ Candy: ♪ I'll tell you what he needs is sweet romance. ♪ Diddy: ♪ Up against TV, you don't stand a chance. ♪ Candy: ♪ He gave me that look. ♪ Diddy: ♪ That was dirt in his eye. ♪ Candy: ♪ I can read him like a book. ♪ Diddy: ♪ Guys will always be guys. ♪ Candy: ♪ He wants me, you pint-sized ape. ♪ Diddy: ♪ It's time for me to set you straight. ♪ Candy and Diddy: ♪ That's why he'd rather be with me. ♪ Candy: ♪ That's why he'd rather be with me. ♪ Candy and Diddy: ♪ That's why he'd rather be with me. ♪ Diddy: ♪ Hah! See what I mean! Hahahah! ♪ Candy and Diddy: ♪ That's why he'd rather be with me. ♪ Candy: ♪ With you? ♪ Diddy: ♪ Yeah, me. ♪ Candy: ♪ We'll see. ♪ Candy and Diddy: ♪ That's why he'd rather be with me. ♪ Well, General Klump. Well, what, King K. Rool, sir? You"re a general. Generals usually have plans. You know, tactics, manoeuvres. What is your plan, Klump? Um, plan? A plan to get that Crystal Coconut away from those banana munching mammals. Oh, a plan! Yes, sir! Priority one! Initiate possible offensive strategies, factor estimated casualties, acceptable losses... Just keep it simple, Klump, like you. That"s an affirmative, sir. Any suggestions? You could start by spying on those confounded apes, see what they"re up to. Spy, sir? Yes, sir. Sir, spy. How am I going to choose between Candy and Diddy? What kept you? I"ve got personal problems, Cranky. You"ve got problems, huh? Watch this! These blasted trigger barrels have seized up! Leave it to me, old timer. [Grunting] You"re right, Cranky. Of course I"m right. Rusted out "cause of all the darn rain. That means the traps are... Useless, like a lot of other things around here. And if King K. Rool finds out our defences are down... If he tries to get his scaly claws on the Crystal Coconut, he"ll have to get past me first. But maybe you can keep an eye on things for a while. See, I"ve got to go and explain something to Candy and Diddy. You see... No! You see! What we need are two new trigger barrels. The barrel factory! You"ve got just enough time to get there before Bluster shuts it down for the weekend. You can count on me. Ah! [Crashing] Ugh. And no stopping along the way! Why do I have a bad feeling about this? CANDY: Donkey Kong! Candy? So, are we on for this afternoon? "On"? A special lunch at my place. But... Just the two of us, Donkey Kong. Real romantic. But, Candy, I... You mean you don"t want to spend time with me? It"s not that. I love to spend time with you... Great! See you there. But, but... Don"t be late! Oh, great. Now what am I going to tell Diddy? Diddy is a good buddy, he"ll understand. DIDDY: Yo, DK! Diddy! [Crashing] Looking for me, right? Well, yeah. About this afternoon. See, I told Candy... That you"d be spending it hanging with me, watching TV. Well, no, I... So you don"t want to hang with me? No, Diddy. I love hanging with you. Say no more, buddy boy. I"ll warm up the TV and chill the sodas. But... See you there! Ugh, now I"m really over a barrel. The trigger barrels! Bluster! Bluster! Am I glad you"re here. That makes one of us. I need two trigger barrels right away. Too bad. We"re closed. Closed?! Oh, come on, Bluster, cut me a little slack, it"s just two. Please, spare me your woes. Thanks to your girlfriend Candy, and her day off, Mother made me take over the morning shift. I had to operate a machine, of all things! I even got a blister on my pinkie. Bluster, please! Just two barrels. If you think I"m going back in that wretched place to make you two barrels, Donkey King, you"re barking up the wrong banana tree. But, Bluster. Come back Monday. I"m sure Candy will be pleased to make your barrels. But, Bluster! This is an emergency! So is my weekend hot tub. Oh! Cranky told me not to stop along the way. Now what am I supposed to do? With none of Cranky"s traps working the Crystal Coconut is an open target! I think I have a plan! [Laughing] [Chewing] |
Act 2[]
I"m going to need all the strength I can muster if I"m going to tell Cranky he"s defenceless till Monday. [Gasping] What about Diddy and Candy? Oh! Time to quit stalling. I can just hear Cranky now. "When are you going to learn to use your head, you big..." Whoa! [Crashing] I guess I"m learning to use my head after all. Candy"s work station. Let me see if I can remember how she said it worked. Great! Now, barrel time. Um, trigger barrel. Number of barrels? Uh, two, and a couple of extras. Banana slamma! Now to take care of Candy and Diddy. Everything is under... Whoa! [Crashing] Almost. Today we launch our biggest attack ever! This mission will mark the end of Kongo Bongo monkey business, and the beginning of reptilian rule! Yeah, sure! [Laughing] Fill them in on the details of the plan, Klump. Advanced Guard A will reconnoitre with Rear Platoon B, advancing in parallel stages, flank point position... Keep it simple! We"re going to Cranky's cabin to take the Crystal Coconut. Any questions? Donkey Kong! For a minute there, I thought you weren"t coming. I"m here, all right, but I can"t stay long. But I"ve made a 12-course meal. Twelve courses? Banana dip, crème de banana soup, banana soufflé with stuffed baked banana purée, a side of banana... Uh, salt! What? And pepper. But... Don"t worry, I'll get them. But... Hey, DK, you made it! Yup, I"m here, little buddy. But I can"t stay for a whole lot of time. But the Super Monkey Movie Bananarama is about to start. Twelve hours of non-stop movies. Uh, chips! What? Yeah, yeah, banana chips. Munchies! But... Don"t worry, I'll get them. But... I"m back. What"s that? Banana chips? You brought snack food? But I"ve got a 12-course lunch in the oven. Oh, you know what they say: banana chips go with everything. I thought you were getting the salt. I knew I forgot something. I"ll be right back. Donkey Kong! Come on, DK, the first movie"s already started. Where are the chips? Whoops, be right back! ♪ [Gasping] Guess I pushed too many buttons. How am I going to get two of these trigger barrels to Cranky? Now, Cranky would say "Use your head." That"s it! Lester"s Rocket Delivery Service. I just have to punch in Cranky"s address, push the big red button, and they"ll be there in no time. Now, where"s the big red... A-ha! Huh? Oh! Donkey Kong, you did it again. |
Act 3[]
Everything"s set to install the new trigger barrels. Where is that Donkey Kong? That"s what I want to know. Where is that so-called pal "o mine? We were watching movies and... Watching movies?! CANDY: All right, where is he? Where is that so-called boyfriend of mine? We were having lunch... Having lunch? Watching movies? Movies? Uh, lunch? Movies?! Lunch? Movies?! Lunch?! Enough! The fate of Kongo Bongo Island is at stake. Look at that. I send him to get some trigger barrels for my traps, and he winds up getting himself trapped inside the trigger barrel. Well, he can stay in there for all I care. Fine with me. No! I have to get the barrels before K. Rool tries one of his sneaky attacks and steals the Crystal Coconut. Hold the fort. Those slippery salamanders could attack any time. So that"s how he does it. Cool! Hip-hup, hip-hup, going to grab the coconut. Troop, halt! So, everyone knows the plan? Yes, sir, King K. Rool, sir! Excellent. Now, get moving! Hip-hup, hip-hup, going to grab the coconut. And desist with the singing. This is an army, not a chorus line. One banana, one little banana, that"s all I need to bust out of here. That"s your problem, you've got bananas on the brain. Cranky? Is that you? No, I"m your fairy God monkey, come to tuck you in. Are you ever a sight for sore eyes. And sore eyes is about all I can see of you, so quit your whining and let"s figure out a way to get you out of there. Where are they, Candy? Something must have happened. [Chanting] What"s that? I said, something must have... No, that. Hip-hup, hip-hup... Yikes! ROOL: I said quiet! BOTH: Kritters! What are we going to do?! I"ve got an idea. Hold them off. Me? What about you? So you see, Cranky, it"s all set up. All you"ve got to do is push the rocket delivery button. I"m just a hologram! That makes two of us. Using the Crystal! Diddy, push the big red button. He can"t! Cranky: ♪ You can be here, you can be there, anywhere. You can go any place you wanna go, don't ya know? You're just an image of yourself, floating in the air. Can't lift a thing, and you can't even comb your hair. A hologram is like a telegram. You can send it anywhere. But you never go nowhere. You gotta realize your limitations when you're just thin air. ♪ Diddy: ---Yeah but---cap---K---Rool--is a---king--- Cranky: Hold on a second, there, I'm not finished! Now, where was I? Oh, yeah! ♪ You can't peel bananas that you wanna eat. You can't feel the ground with your own two feet. ♪ Donkey Kong: You can't even eat bananas?! Cranky: No! How many times do I gotta tell ya? Diddy: ---You got---the---the---K---Rool---hack---ng--- Cranky: ♪ A hologram is like a telegram. You can send it anywhere. But you're not really there. You can't touch anything... ♪ How much longer should I sing?! Don't you understand that holograms can't push red buttons! Diddy: K. Rool's attacking! Cranky: Why didn't you say so in the first place? Diddy: Candy's trying to hold them off. Donkey Kong: Candy?! Get me out of here. Cranky: Sorry, but you"re on your own and so are we. Come on, Diddy. Diddy: I've got to go, DK. Donkey Kong: But how am I going to get out of here? Cranky: Use your head. Donkey Kong: Thanks. King K. Rool: You're certain these traps are not functioning, Klump? Klump: Yes, King K. Rool, sir. King K. Rool: Then I suggest we march in there and take what's rightfully theirs! Candy: They're almost here. Oh, I hope this works. 117 sound effects. If this doesn't scare them, I'll try opera music. King K. Rool: Should we knock, or barge in and scare the old goat half to death? [Laughing] [Rapid gunfire playing] Klump: Counter attack! Take cover! [Yelling] Candy: So far so good. Bluster: Look at this mess! Donkey Kong: Bluster, is that you? Bluster: I knew you"d be up to some sort of monkey business or other, Donkey Kong. I was right! I caught you red-handed. Donkey Kong: Let me out, Bluster. I can explain! Bluster: You mean, you can't get out? Donkey Kong: No. Bluster: Well, in that case, explain all you want, on Monday. A few days in there should teach you a lesson. Donkey Kong: You can't just leave me! Bluster: Oh, no? Watch me. Donkey Kong: Use your head, Donkey Kong. Use your... That's it! Okay, leave me here till Monday, but I don't know who's going to pay for all these barrels. Bluster: Pay!? What do you mean? Someone's got to pay. Donkey Kong: Well, Cranky ordered them, but he said he wasn't paying a dime unless he got same-day delivery. Bluster: Mother will blow a gasket. Klump: This isn't a counter attack! We walked into a well-planned ambush. King K. Rool: Where did our military intelligence break down? Klump: Uh, new plan? [Grunting] Diddy: Hit the deck! Take cover! They're using heavy artillery. Candy: You're back! And about time. Cranky: My sound effects record. Good thinking, Candy. Candy: It's holding them off so far, Cranky. [Barnyard noises] Cranky and Candy: Uh-oh. King K. Rool: What? We've been duped. I'm not amused by your little deception! I suggest you brace yourselves for a real battle. Krusha: Uh, do pigs bite? King K. Rool: I bite! So you better get in there now! Candy: We're finished! Cranky: Done for! Diddy: Doomed! [Air whooshing] Diddy: A rocket? King K. Rool: Oh, what now? Klump: Incoming! [Yelling] Cranky: Two new trigger barrels! Right on time. Diddy: And right on target. Candy: But where"s Donkey Kong? Donkey Kong: Banana slamm... [Crashing] Diddy: That"s my cue. Donkey Kong: Thanks, little buddy. Cranky: Well, don't just sit there. See if the new barrels work. Donkey Kong: You don't have to ask twice. Klump: New plan, new plan. Uh, Kritters, attack! Attack the other way! King K. Rool: Don't just stand there, Klump! Klump: No longer standing. Ah! King K. Rool: Crusher! Krusha: Crusher go for ride? King K. Rool: I'll be back. Whoa! Donkey Kong: [Laughing] Candy: You did it, Donkey Kong. Diddy: Way to go, big guy, you saved the day! Donkey Kong: 'Cause I used my head. Cranky: Well, you did get the trigger barrels. But I only needed two, not 2,000. Donkey Kong: That reminds me, Bluster told me to give you this. Cranky: Ah! Donkey Kong: He says it's due in 30 days. Cranky: Donkey Kong! ♪ |