 "Now, off you go!! See if you can't finish this ridiculous article without my help!"
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Act 1[]
At a pirate ship Skurvy: (chanting) ♪Arrr! When I was a young lad my father said to me 'Arrr lend an ear and learn some pirate history. One a fearsome pirate ruled the seven seas, he was your great-great-great-great grandpappy, Prince Skury. He told me tall tales of the Zilbegotten gains but the greatest treasure of the all still haunts me through this day.♪ His two crewmates join the scene Kutlass and Green Kroc: ♪And if you swap the deck♪... Pirates:...♪and I'll tow you into the bridge, I swear I'll make you walk the plank to write the the wrong you did. The day you mess with Skurvy and you will you shall wish you're never born. When the Coconut is mine then you feel the pirate's scorn.♪ Skurvy: ♪He hid it in an idol where it stayed for many years, but the Idle of Inka Dinka Doo change the crystal tear, it lay upon the ground until much to my surprise, a stupid ape just wondered and snatched my treasured pride. He discovered it possessed extraodinary power, but stealing it from Skurvy would be his darkest hour. Pirates: ♪And if you swap the deck and I'll tow you in the bridge. I swear I'll make you walk the plank to write the wrong you did. The day you mess with Skurvy and you shall wish you were never born. When the coconut is mine, then you'll feel the pirate's scorn. When the coconut is mine then you'll feel the pirate's scorn.♪ Skurvy: ♪Arrr♪ Oh-Ho! Cranky: Huh, the quiet life, nothing ever happens around here. No one calls me, no one comes to visit... A large cannon bolt gets fired at Cranky's Cabin Cranky: One scroll Skurvy: In the name of me great great great great grandpappy, Kaptain Skurvy, main maggots ravages rotten remains hand over me bright right, hand over the Crystal Coconut Cranky: Skurvy? Skurvy: 'Kaptain Skurvy' you dimwitted simian. (chuckles) I'm back! Cranky: B...but you were stranded on a desert island, you were washed at sea, y-y-you were chomped by sharks Skurvy: Aye! But life isn't all fun and games, (chuckles) we've come back to get what is rightfully mine Cranky: We? Kutlass and Green Kroc join the scene from behind Kutlass: Hand over the Coconut, or I we'll chop you to bits Polly Roger: [enter] Yeah, chop him to bits, chop him to bits, four bits, six bits (caws) Cranky: (nervously) Easy, easy, w-w-w-what coconut? Skurvy: The Crystal Coconut Cranky: Never heard of it Skurvy: The coconut me great-great-great-great grandpappy 'Captain Skurvy' stashed on this island Cranky: Sounds like you've lost your coconut, I'm telling you, never heard of it, never seen it, I don't have it Polly Roger: (caws; standing on the Crystal Coconut case) Can somebody say coconut? (caws) Cranky: That- That's not a coconut Skurvy: Open it now! Cranky: But I- I don't have the coconut squidbreath, now get out of my house, right this second or I'll... I'll... I'll... Skurvy: Yes? Cranky: (realizes he slammed his stick on the ground) Ooops The Crystal Coconut opens due to Cranky slamming his stick on the ground Skurvy: Thar she glows! Cranky: What do you know, how'd that get here? Well, now that we've solved that pesky little mystery, I'll take what's mine and... Forget it, barnacle bottom! Step back, you can't have it! Arrr, target practice. Someone call target practice? Donkey Kong! Ha, ha, har! I'll blow ya out of the water! (gets punched by Donkey Kong; dazed) Ugh! Oh! Arrr, steady as she goes now. (faints) Ugh! [Punching, shouting] Abandon ship! [chuckling] That's it! [Giggling when the telescope zooms close to the coconut inside] Yes! Oh, splendid orb of power! You little beauty! Soon, you'll be all mine! Are you comfy, Klump? Um, no. This is a very unconventional way to invade enemy territory. A way that's sure to cause me pain, Your Majesty! [Chuckling] Better you than me! Yes, sir. Eep! One... more... [Gasping] I got it, I got it! I got the coconut! I got it! [K. Rool laughing] I got it! Brilliant! That was brilliant! [Laughing] KLUMP: Get me out of here! Did you see that? He was airborne! Zip, out of here! With the coconut! You've got to get it back now! BLUSTER: Oh, Candy! Yoo-hoo! Candy, Candy, Candy! What do you want, Bluster? Pop quiz: who's the handsomest, bravest ape in all of Kongo Bongo, hmm? That's easy. I go out with him! It's Donkey Kong. Wrong answer, incorrect. Shall I give you a hint? No. I will, anyway. Don't bother! What? Ah, K. Rool! Oh! What do you want, K. Rool? We are here to seize the factory. I have the coconut! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Mommy! You're the master! (Kissing feet) The poobah! What's mine is yours, what's hers is yours, what's yours is yours! All of it, yours! Bluster, you spineless worm! [Laughing] Well, my little monkey minion, this is the plan! Reconfigure the factory, manufacture exploding barrels, dozens of them, hundreds of them, thousands! I'll stockpile so much ammunition, no one will stand in my way! Now, get to work! What, me, work? I never work! Yes, well, I see your point. K. ROOL: More! More exploding barrels! We'll blast the apes back to the Stone Age! |
Act 2[]
This is bad, real bad! You got to get that coconut back, pronto! How? I don't care how! Just get it back! (hears some explosions) What now? What a weird day. I'm telling you, something's in the air. Barrel bombs! Bomb's away! Oh! Manual labour. How soul-crushing! How humiliating! [Laughing] Splendid! It's perfect! Soon, all of Kongo Bongo will be wrapped around my little claw! My beautiful barrels, reduced to smithereens! It's enough to make a grown ape weep! [Weeping] I can't destroy another! I can't! Oh, move out of the way, you snivelling simian! Let me try! Bomb's away! [Laughing maniacally] Send more down! More, more! [Laughing] Ahem! Oh, wait your turn! [Laughing] DONKEY KONG: It is my turn! BOTH: Donkey Kong! Donkey Kong! Bomb's away, K. Rool! Yeah, bomb's away, you pond gack. Easy now, let's not get too excited, jump to conclusions. We're just having a bit of fun. Couple of laughs? Yeah, uh, um... Time for you to take a walk, K. Rool. And leave the coconut behind while you're at it. I don't think so. This is my command performance! Quick, to the mine car! Good diversionary tactic, Your Majesty! That way! Over there! BLUSTER: Oh, Mommy! We got him, little buddy! Banana slamma! Oh, dear! We've got company! The enemy's closing in! Can't you make this thing go any faster? I'm trying, but we're at maximum speed! We're gaining on them! Whoa! If we can make it back to the factory, we're home-free! Oh, dear, this is bad. If we make it to the factory, I'm mincemeat, lizard bait! Oh, yes! A blunderbuss! Hold it right there, pond gacks! Stop this thing and let me go, or I'll blow you to bits! What? We surrender! Don't shoot! Bluster? Hey, soldier, look out! Oof! Ahh! Bingo, ha, ha, ha! Whaa-aaa-aah! Lunkhead! Ninny! Newt! You tossed the coconut! B-b-but Your Majesty, we were cornered! Yikes, Donkey Kong! I'm coming to get you, lizard lips! Come get this! Toodle-oo! Uh, bye-bye! What do we do now, DK? We got to bust a move, little buddy. We got to get the coconut! Wait, halt! Don't go after them! What are you talking about? They got the coconut, Bluster! Do they? Are you sure? Pop quiz: who's the bravest ape on Kongo Bongo? Who's got the coconut, hmm? Ta-da! The coconut? Bluster? I-I-I-I don't get it! Cranky, open up! Go away! Whatever it is you're selling, I'm not buying. Get a load of this! We got the coconut! Nope, not buying. Uh, you cold, Cranky? Let's go inside and I'll put the coconut back in its place. I'm not gonna tell you again! No coconut, scram! Uh, I don't get it. You tell Diddy and me to get the coconut... Oh, wait a sec! I get it, you need a password. Well, I don't know the password. I told you, you can't come in! I know, I know! It's the Cranky Pokey! ♪ You put your right foot in And shake it all about Do the Cranky Pokey and you turn yourself around ♪ That's what it's all about ♪ Numbskulls. Okay, okay, okay, I did it! Now, can I put the coconut back? No! One more step, ya scallywag, and I'll shoot! Huh? Oh, you meant 'Don't come in.' Put the coconut down. I don't believe this! Go on, put it down! You, go get it. No sudden moves or I'll whip ya, matey! All right, men. We got the booty. Now, let's scooty! Arrr, ha ha! I tried to warn ya. That wasn't a warning. It was a convulsion. We got to get the coconut back! Again. And now I have reclaimed the coconut, I will rule the Six Seas! [Squawking] Last I counted, there was seven. Even better. ♪ Plunder, pillage ♪ Sack and loot We stole a coconut from that cranky old coot ♪ [Laughing] |
Act 3[]
[Airplane engine sputtering] I don't see it! Do you see it? Let's go around one more time! Hey, there it is! Yup, I see it! Funky, the ship's right below us. Cool, I'll splash you down right next to the ship. DONKEY KONG: Ugh! DIDDY: Oh! Well, almost. I'm out of here! Yeesh! Some splash-down! Well, we made it. Barely! Hey, where is everyone? Maybe they abandoned ship. Maybe we caught them by surprise. SKURVY: Surprise! Ha, ha, har! Yikes! Stowaways! I don't like stowaways. We're not stowaways! We're here for the coconut. Pirates, then. Even worse! What should we do with them, mates? We'll deep-six 'em! We'll keelhaul them! Make them walk the plank, squawk! All of the above! [Laughing] Little buddy, looks like we're in a jam. You're not kidding, DK! [Pirates laughing] ♪ Pillage, plunder Sack and steal Down to the hold goes the shark's next meal ♪ Well, me little guppies, let's see you get out of this one! Har! [Squawking] Got you over a barrel, caw! Let us go, Skurvy! Oh, I'll let you go. You will? Just as soon as I find some shark-infested waters. Yikes, sharks! Oh, did he say sharks? Oh, I hate sharks! Did you say sharks? Uh, Diddy hates sharks. Oh, that's the point, chum. Chumming for sharks! Chumming for sharks! Squawk! Plunder, pillage Sack and loot DK fitted for a sharkskin suit So long, chums! Squawk, shark bait, caw! It's useless. I'm out of gas! I need bananas. Hey, yo! Yeah, you! Whoa! Well, what do you call these? Klaptrap? No, ding-dong, bananas! Can you chomp us out of here? Uh-uh, nada, no how. Look, got no teeth. But I'll make you a deal! (starts singing) I like the taste of a pirate ship ♪ ♪ A yummy boat filled with gold is so hip ♪ ♪ Skurvy took my teeth 'cause he's afraid of me ♪ ♪ He knows I'll eat everything I see ♪ ♪ I got a deal that you can't refuse ♪ ♪ I got the key ♪ Something you can use ♪ If you don't help me, then it looks like we're beat ♪ ♪ Someone get my teeth back ♪ I got to eat ♪ ♪ Haven't had a check-up in a century ♪ ♪ I can't recall a single cavity ♪ ♪ Pardon me for frowning ♪ I don't mean to be rude ♪ ♪ Without my teeth, I'm gumming on my food ♪ ♪ That Kaptain Skurvy, man, what a pest ♪ ♪ He took my teeth and threw them in the crow's nest ♪ ♪ If you don't help me, then it looks like we're beat ♪ ♪ Someone get my teeth back ♪ Someone get my teeth back ♪ I got to eat! Look out, you beauties! Here comes Donkey Kong! (jumps in the pile) Yo! [Chomping] Oh, that's good. Ahh! [Laughing] A couple of minutes, and we'll bust out of here. DK will trounce Skurvy and his pirates, and we'll get your teeth out of the crow's nest. [Chuckling] Really? I'm feeling good! I'm about ready to rumble! Now with Donkey Kong out of my way, nothing can stop me! Except me, squid-face! Donkey Kong? Squawk, Donkey Kong? I'm sorry, did I interrupt something? Get those knuckle-dragging land-lubbers! Ahh, here they come! Oh, boy! You go right. I'll go left. Ouch! I need some back-up here! Stand still and I'll back ya! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get him! Smash him! What are you waiting for? I was kidding. I was kidding! Whoa! Donkey Kong! Stop running, and I'll run you through! Help! You were saying? Banana slamma! DIDDY: Here's another one, DK! Oh, boy, DK! What a hero! We sure taught them a thing or two. We got all of them! (Laughing) Yup, both of them! You know what? Come to think of it, there was a third. [heard Skurvy laughing] Skurvy! That's right, mateys! Now, it's my little cannon against little old you! (lights a match) Let's see who wins. Time to split, little buddy. Whoa! Ptooey! Oh, no, I'm ruined! That's right, Skurvy! I got my teeth back, and there's not going to be enough ship left to pick your teeth with! No, my ship! Look out! ♪ Plunder, pillage Sack and loot SKURVY: Arrr, shut up! PARROT: Squawk, shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Phew, some pleasure cruise! At least we saved the coconut. Hey, buddies! Missed me? Yikes, Klaptrap? Uh, you're not still hungry, are you? That first course was a little salty. I'm not in the mood for dessert. Whew! Yet! |