 "The trouble with you kids, is that you're all too soft!"
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Act 1[]
Bluster Kong: Are you tired of second-rate bottom-of-the-barrel barrels? Then come on down to Bluster Barrelworks' Sale Ape-Stravaganza, because at Bluster Barrelworks, we've got the competition over a barrel. King K. Rool: It's bad enough I can't get gator wrestling, but now I have to listen to this blabbering butt-head baboon instead! Oh, why must my world be littered with such homespun idiots? Klump: Morning, King K. Rool, sir! King K. Rool: Speaking of which. Klump: The secret weapon is prepared and ready for its first test launch. I was thinking of volunteering... Krusha! Oh. He must still be watching Sing Along With Uncle Swampy, his favourite TV show. King K. Rool: What? Klump: Uncle Swampy rates number one every week. A million viewers can't be wrong. King K. Rool: A million viewers? That's it! I'm going to be on television! Klump: On the Sing Along With Uncle Swampyshow? King K. Rool: No, you lunkhead! I'm going to invade the television airwaves. Then, in front of everybody in TV Land, I'll claim my rightful place as new ruler of Kongo Bongo Island. [Cackling] Klump: [Laughing] Uh, how? King K. Rool: I'm going to steal the Crystal Coconut on national television. [Cackling] Klump: [Laughing] Er, how? King K. Rool: Read my lips, you idiot! With... the... secret... weapon. Klump: Oh. Oh, yeah. Heh heh. King K. Rool: Will you get out of here and get to work? Prepare the secret weapon for immediate transport. Whilst I prepare for my television debut. Bluster Kong: Well, doing commercials was a lousy idea, Candy. Sales are still way down. Candy Kong: If you recall, my idea didn't include you in the commercial. Bluster Kong: And what"s wrong with me? Candy Kong: Nothing. Except no one believes you. Which is why I got somebody else to help sell your barrels for free. Someone we all know and love. I got Cranky. Bluster Kong: That old fossil? Candy Kong: But if Cranky says your barrels are the best, sales will skyrocket. I knew you'd like it. So I already made all the arrangements. Bluster Kong: And who knows, Candy... You might even get a promotion for this. Unless you mess this up, so don't! Mommy wouldn't like that. Candy Kong: Don't worry, I've got everything under control. Bluster Kong: I certainly hope so. It's your job on the line if Cranky doesn"t show. Donkey Kong: Wow, Candy. Is it true? Did you really get Cranky to agree to be in Bluster's next commercial? Candy Kong: Yeah, and this could mean really big things for my career, DK. ♪ Never felt so alive. I'm a mover and a shaker with a jumpin' jive. Hey diddle diddle, forget about the middle. Take me to the top 'cause I've finally arrived. Watch out down below. I'm a-wheelin' and a-dealin' like a C.E.O. See me shout, I feel like bustin' out. There's no tellin' how far I could go. Bull by the horns, tiger by the tail. Get out of my way, I got barrels for sale. Don't you see that I'm second to none? Look out, world, 'cause here I come! Ooh, swing it, baby... World's my oyster, can't you see? Everything's growing exponentially. There's so much opportunity. For a one-woman advertisin' factory. Never felt so alive. I'm a mover and a shaker with a jumpin' jive. Hi-dee-hi-dee-ho and a skoo-de-lee-bebop. I'm just like cream; I'm rising to the top. The future's so bright that I've got to wear shades. Look out, baby, I've got it made. Don't you see that I'm second to none? Look out, world, 'cause here I come! ♪ Donkey Kong: Anything I can do to help? Candy Kong: Yeah, make sure Cranky's ready. I'll be by to pick him up shortly. Donkey Kong: You can count on me, Candy. Bluster Kong: At Bluster Barrelworks, we've got the competition over a barrel. Cranky Kong: I can't believe I let Candy talk me into helping Bluster sell his barrels. OLD MAN: Calling all seniors! Roll out of those rockers and drag your knuckles down to Kongo Bongo"s rock-o-rama heavy metal [Wheezing] rock karaoke guitar anthem! ♪ Yeah! Rock and roll! [Crashing] Hey, Cranky, what"s all the screaming? You okay? Cranky? Uh, Cranky? [Wheezing] DIDDY: You knocked the wind out of him, DK! Quick, give him some water! Here! [Coughing] You knucklehead! That"s... Sleeping tonic? Uh oh. Well, look on the bright side. We got him to stop singing. Yeah, I mean, it"s not like he has to go anywhere. [Gasping] BOTH: Bluster"s! The TV commercial! Oh no! Candy promised that Cranky would be there. CANDY: Yoo-hoo, Cranky? You all set to go? I"ll keep her busy. You hide Cranky. Hey, Candy. How"s it hiding? I mean going. Great, DK. Is Cranky here. Nope, no way. I"m all alone. [Thumping] What was that? Mice. Mice? DK, you"re such a kidder. Yeah, well... Candy, no, wait! I can explain. Explain what? Explain why Cranky"s not here. He"s... Getting a haircut. Yeah, getting a haircut. [Snoring] What"s that? Mice. With allergies. Come on, get serious. DIDDY: Actually... [Coughing] It"s just me. [Coughing] Well, if you see Cranky... I"ll be sure to send him to Bluster"s. See you, bye. Hoo-wee. That was close. I almost didn"t get Cranky out the back door in time. Cranky doesn"t have a back door, little buddy. He does now. Uh, you think he"ll be mad? Not as mad as Candy"s going to be when she finds out I"ve messed up her whole career. Ah, don"t sweat it, DK. We can get Cranky to Bluster"s in time for the TV commercial. You"re right. So where"d you put him, anyway? I laid him down on one of the... Footbridge traps. That wasn"t such a good idea, little buddy. Well, neither was setting off the trigger barrels, big buddy. We"ve gotta get Cranky to Bluster"s! We gotta find him first. BOTH: Cranky! Wait up! I can feel my biorhythms jamming. My horoscope says a mysterious force is going to bring me ancient relics from unknown places. Cranky? Jump back, dude. [Engine sounds receding] Cranky landed in Funky"s biplane. This is great! All we have to do now is hook up with Funky, then bring Cranky over to Bluster"s. Uh oh. That sounds like a bad uh oh. What about the Crystal Coconut? If Cranky finds out we left it alone, we"re as good as furless. But if we don"t get Cranky back, then good things aren"t going to happen for Candy, and it"ll be all my fault. Somebody"s got to watch it for us, but who? DIXIE: Hey, Dids, DK! What"s up? KLUMP: Operation Steal the Crystal Coconut Attempt #307 commencing, sir. No one"s even there. We can just walk right in and steal it. Oh, spoken like a true amateur. Where I come from, we do things with style, drama, flair. I mean, just taking it? How"s that going to make me look? I"ll be on television. All of Kongo Bongo will be watching. I"m not a common cat burglar. I"m a grand dictator who's about to cleverly wrestle the power away from those mindless monkeys! Don"t you see? Um, is that a trick question? Oh, never mind! Just make sure that secret weapon is ready on my signal. And, er, Klump? If we run into any problems, whatever you do, don"t go blabbing them on national television! Ooh, ooh, ooh! I... I could use my secret emergency code! Like, "The fog was thick and dense." Like your brain? N-no. It means the air is thick with enemies. Get it? A code talk. So no one will understand me. That"s a given at the best of times, Klump. Now shut up and stand by for my signal. I"m going live! ♪ The wheels on the mine cart go round and round, round... ♪ Hey. What happened to Uncle Swampy? Hello there, TV Land. In mere moments, I, King K. Rool, will be the new ruler of Kongo Bongo Island, by virtue of my newly stolen possession, the Crystal Coconut! Stealing is bad. However, to prove that I"m not your average dictator, but rather, hmm... a barbarian of distinct class and sophistication, I"d like to invite you, the TV viewer, to witness my cordial overthrow of your island. So stay tuned. Well, where"s Cranky? I was told he was on his way, but he should have been here by now. Oh, what should we do? We? No, no, no. This is your problem, so if I were you I"d hunt down that old grouch and get his wrinkled carcass down here pronto! I don"t understand. Cranky knows how important this is to me. Where could he be? [Snoring] FUNKY: I couldn"t agree more, relic dude. Like I always say, if you"re too zoned to glide, then glide the zone. With Dixie watching the Coconut, all we gotta do is get Cranky back and home... CANDY: DK, Diddy, stop! I thought you were sending Cranky over to Bluster"s after his haircut! Where is he? Getting a manicure. At the doctor"s. Huh? He"s getting a manicure at the doctor"s. Yeah, it"s a new manicure... Medicure procedure thingy. It"s very new. So new they don"t even know it yet. DK: But don"t worry, Candy. I got a feeling he"s going to be showing up real soon. Tag, you"re it! What the... What"s going on around here? Cranky must have landed around here somewhere. KLUMP: Enemy headquarters in range. Target clearly visible. Huh? An intruder. This is just the kind of problem King K. Rool said we might run into. I"d better alert him, and pronto. K. ROOL: And how am I planning to steal the Coconut? Well, my friends, that"s where my genius comes into play... KLUMP: Sir? Psst, sir? "The goose is loose." Not now, Klump. But sir, "the oven is overheating." You"re in my close-up! "The baby"s bicycle is broken." K. ROOL: You"ll be broken if you don"t stop interrupting me, you dolt! I don"t know what you two are up to, but if I don"t find Cranky, I"m in big trouble! I knew it. Where is he? I"m sure Cranky's trying to get there as fast as he can. He"d better be. [Snoring] But, sir... "The fuzzy little lamb..." You... Shut up! And get the secret weapon ready! [Snoring] KLUMP: How"d he get in there? Who cares? Just get rid of him! Great, he"s exactly where we want him. Er, almost. ♪ There he is! Not so fast. DK: Candy, you don"t understand! The rocket ship... I don"t want to hear another word. First you say a haircut, then you said he was on his way, then he was at the doctor"s! I want to know where Cranky is! BLUSTER: So do I. Bluster, I... Oh, save it, Candy. If Cranky isn"t here by the time we go to air, you"re fired! Why would Cranky do this to me? Where could he be? Candy, I"m so sorry. No, DK. I"m sorry. This whole thing has made me crazy. I"ve been trying to win success at the risk of losing everything else. Including my friends. ♪ I was blinded by ambition when I lost my inhibition ♪ ♪ Now suddenly I"m wishin' to be back where I belong ♪ ♪ In the advertising rat race at a crazy frenzied pace ♪ ♪ I was taking full advantage and that"s where I went wrong ♪ ♪ Just remember ♪ Who you are ♪ If you are what you ain"t then you"re not where you're at then you know you"ve gone too far ♪ ♪ I was stepping on my friends ♪ I would ridicule and offend ♪ I didn"t mean to condescend ♪ ♪ Forgive my foolish pride ♪ I couldn"t see the jungle for the trees ♪ ♪ The business brought me to my knees ♪ ♪ You"ve gotta learn how to cheat and scam and lie ♪ ♪ Just remember ♪ Who you are ♪ If you are what you ain"t then you"re not where you're at then you know you"ve gone too far ♪ ♪ Just remember ♪ Who you are ♪ It"s never too late to set yourself straight ♪ ♪ Self-respect will make you a star ♪ I"m sorry, DK. I"ve done nothing but accuse you and giving you grief, and it"s not even your fault. Look, Candy. I can"t explain things right now, but I promise that I"m going to find Cranky and have him here in time for Bluster"s next commercial. Really? It"s a guarantee. Oh, DK! You"ve never let me down before. I just know you won"t let me down now. I"ll go tell Bluster. How could you make a promise like that? Because I started this mess, and I"m going to fix it. We gotta catch up with that express mail rocket ship. Bluster"s chopper! K. ROOL: In closing, I"d like to say that it will be my extreme pleasure to dictate over you, and I hope your enslavement is completely distressing. [Cackling] And now, I present to you the secret weapon! Notice its fine contours, and... K. ROOL: Will you just get inside? The rocket ship! There it is! And there he goes! Cranky"s headed for K. Rool's mines. I"ve got an idea, but I'll need your help. That"s what sidekicks are for. Good. You drive. What? I can"t drive. Neither can I. Take the wheel. DIDDY: Yikes! Klump will now launch himself out of the secret weapon and steal the Crystal Coconut, thereby declaring me as new ruler of Kongo Bongo. In other words, I win. Banana slamma! K. ROOL: Ready, aim, fire! [Screaming] Uh oh. [Crashing] Oh, no. The eggs are fried, the eggs are... [Screaming] We made it! Now to get to Bluster"s. Hang on, Cranky. Almost... Whoa! That had to hurt. And it did. [Cranky snoring] Okay, enough monkeying around. Sorry, Cranky, but I promised Candy to get you to Bluster"s, and that"s where you're going. [Grunting] [Crashing] Huh? Huh... Hey... Huh? [Whispering] Bluster Barrelworks? [Whispering] "Cause their barrels have been around forever. [Whispering] And I should know, "cause so have I? What kind of crock is that? You heard it here, folks. This is Bluster from Bluster Barrelworks, signing off, saying... Krusha: Hey, what happened to King K. Rool? [Screaming] Klump: Krusha... prepare department... 10-4, soldier... King K. Rool: The eggs... are... fried. Krusha: Uncle Swampy always says bye-bye. Donkey Kong: Is everything okay? Candy: Couldn't be better. Bluster's mom is so happy with the way things turned out that Bluster wants to promote me. Donkey Kong: Wow, that"s fantastic, Candy! Candy: Yeah, but I"m not interested. Donkey Kong: Why not? Don't you want really great things to happen to you? Candy: Yes, to me. Why should I waste all my good ideas on Bluster? Besides, I'm thinking of something less stressful. To be honest, this TV stuff is just a big pain. Cranky: [groaning] Speaking of pain, why am I in so much of it? Last thing I remember, I was gasping for air when you handed me a bottle... Donkey Kong: Uh... Little buddy? Diddy: I'm way ahead of you, DK! Cranky: Donkey Kong! ♪ |