 "Okay, I'll do the article for you! ... Naw! ... Only kidding!"
|
Act 1[]
Y-you, cleaning? I"m going to faint. Relax, little buddy. It"s not as bad as it looks. I dropped a banana about a month ago, and I know it"s around here somewhere. Hey, I found a candy left over from when Cranky was a kid. Ew. Hey, what"s that? What"s what? Behind you, DK.
I still don"t... Well, I"ll be a monkey's nephew. Do you see what I see? I"m seeing what you're seeing; I can"t believe what I'm seeing. King K. Rool and Cranky... BOTH: Together? Who told you to go poking around in my personal property? Give me that, you snoopy simians. Cranky, about that picture. What about it? Well, nothing, except it had you and K. Rool in it together. Believe it or not, K. Rool and I used to be good friends, just like you and Diddy. There wasn"t anything we wouldn"t try. White-water polo, tsunami wrestling. Anything for a thrill. What happened? What always happens with K. Rool. We were competing to find out who was the island champion. We were down to the last event, the most dangerous one of all. But since K. Rool could never stand losing, he cheated. But what about...? No more questions. This mess had better be cleaned up by the time I get back, or I"ll make fur coats out of you two. Cranky and K. Rool, friends? Who would have guessed? Gee, it would be awfully peaceful around here if Cranky and K. Rool had stayed friends. Hey, are you thinking what I"m thinking, Diddy? I think so. Then lunch it is. Let"s go. No, you goofus doofus. I"m thinking we should get Cranky and K. Rool to be friends again. Oh, yeah. If they were friends again, we wouldn"t have to worry about the crocs trying to steal the Crystal Coconut. But that would take a miracle. One miracle coming up, DK. Take a letter. Don"t move! You"re distracting my muse. Oh, I"ve got a scratch. Not until I finish my masterpiece. Genius cannot be rushed. Mail call, sir! [Screaming] It"s ruined! All my hard work is ruined! I"ll court-martial you. Actually, it"s better. Never mind. Now, what is it, Klump? A letter, Your Paint-by-Numberness. It appears to be written in some kind of military code, sir. Amazing. You"ve deciphered it, sir. [Clearing throat] "Dear King K. Rool, it" s been a long time since our days of white-water polo and tsunami wrestling, but I think back on those times fondly." It can"t be. "I" d like to get together again for old time"s sake. What do you say? Your old buddy, Cranky." It is from Cranky. My, that brings back memories. Oh, I remember our halcyon days spent in the endless pursuit of our next frivolous escapade. No challenge was too great for us back then. [Laughing] You and Cranky were comrades in arms? We were more than allies. We were... friends. You and Cranky? Do you have a problem with that? No. Are you really going to establish friendly relations with the enemy? Perhaps this seems like an innocuous invitation to you, Klump. But to one with my intellect, it"s obviously a trap intended to play on my heartstrings. Now get that letter out of my sight. Out of line of sight immediately. Nuts. Close but no banana. Maybe a reunion isn"t such a great idea. Oh, you give up too easily, DK. You know what they say: If at first you don"t succeed... Then it"s time for lunch. No. It"s time for Plan B. Sturdy, but too heavy. Not bad. A bit wobbly... Cranky, in the jungle, the thingamajigs are falling everywhere and the stuff is exploding! You"ve got to come quick! Where"s DK? He"s already there. He"s got the thing with the stuff, and it"s swaying left and right and he can"t hold it! You got to come now! It"s a disaster! Blustering baboons. Lead the way! [Snoring] An invitation to the ball. DONKEY KONG: King K. Rool. Oh, King K. Rool. [Gasping] Does it match my eyes? You insolent ape. Give me my crown! If you want it, come and get it. I order you to come back here! It"s working. Perfectly, so far. Wait until I get my claws on you, Donkey Kong! BOTH: Hide. Oh, finally. I feel so naked without it. Now, where is that thieving simpleton? If this is another trick, Diddy, I"ll... [Both gasping] K. Rool. Cranky. I knew you were behind this pathetic plot. So this is what Diddy meant by a disaster in the jungle. You don"t think I actually believe that ridiculous note you sent me, do you? I sent you? Don"t flatter yourself, No-Lips. Listen here, fur face. I"m listening all right, but all I hear is a royal pain in the behind. Jumping jungle berries, this is terrible. They"re going to kill each other. CRANKY: As if I"d ever write you. As if I"d ever read what you wrote. Looks like your plan is a big, fat flop, little buddy. It"s at least half your plan, and your half is the part that didn"t work. You think it was easy getting K. Rool down here? If you hadn"t... [Laughing] Why are you laughing at me? I"m not laughing. That"s them laughing. I did, didn"t I? ♪ Well, here we are ♪ It"s been too long ♪ ♪ I"ve missed you, my old friend ♪ ♪ Look at us, then ♪ Those were certainly some crazy... ♪ ♪ Times of our lives ♪ I"m surprised we survived ♪ [Laughing] ♪ Here we are, old friend ♪ Together again ♪ Through thick and thin ♪ We"ll always be friends ♪ [Both laughing] ♪ Remember this? ♪ Tsunami wrestling I almost had you then. How about this? ♪ Skydiving without a para... ♪ Shoot, we had some fun ♪ My, I looked so young ♪ Here we are, old friend ♪ Together again ♪ Through thick and thin ♪ We"ll always be friends ♪ ♪ Here we are, old friend ♪ Together again ♪ Through thick and thin ♪ We"ll always be friends ♪ See? They"re friends again, just like us. Whoa! [Crashing] DONKEY KONG: Yes, sirree, little buddy. Life is pretty lazy now that Cranky"s made a new friend. K. Rool! I know his name, Diddy. What? Just relax, Donkey Kong. We just brought you and Diddy a little thank-you gift. For making two old friends realize that life is too short. Is that a banana cream pie? It"s a banana cream pie surprise. What"s the surprise? [Explosion] [Cranky and K. Rool laughing] We haven"t done that in years. Know what else we haven"t done in years? Barrel bowling. And I know just the place. Let"s go. That looked like Cranky. That sounded like Cranky. BOTH: But it sure didn"t act like Cranky. Krusha, you got to help me. Without our supreme commander around, who"s going to give me orders? I could. Really? Oh, go ahead. Give me your best order, soldier. I order a pepperoni pizza. Oh! I want my orders! Candy, where"s that barrel order? It"s neatly stacked outside, ready to go. And so am I. Time for my little vacation. [Objects crashing] What was that? My barrels? Who"s bowling my barrels? Hi, guys. Get a load of this. Strike! There goes my shipment! There goes my holiday. Oh, my word. That"s three in a row, Cranky. Cranky, how could you do this to us? I had to defend my title. [Both laughing] And if you"ll excuse us... we have other scores to settle. [Laughing] DONKEY KONG: Candy, you wouldn"t believe what Cranky and K. Rool did to me today. And destroyed a perfectly good banana cream pie in the process. You should see what they did to Bluster"s factory today. What"s with those two? Hey, what was that? I hope you don"t mind if I play through, Donkey Kong. Play through what? There"s nothing like a game of jungle golf. Uh-oh. He"s in a spot of trouble there. Tough lie in the rough. He"ll be lucky to save par. Fore! Donkey Kong, how could you? It wasn"t me. It was Cranky. I"m trying really hard not to scream, DK. It"s your shot, K. Rool. Oh, that"s okay. I"ll take a mulligan. That"s a two-stroke penalty for landing in baked goods. Excuse me for just one second. [Candy screaming] Come on, K. Rool. We still got the back nine to finish. Somehow, and I don"t know how yet, but I know this is your fault, isn"t it? I can explain, sort of. That was the angriest I"ve ever seen Candy. Even angrier than the time you forgot her birthday? Because she was pretty mad when you... [Airplane flying overhead] Abandon tree house! [Cranky and K. Rool laughing] What did you think of that dazzling display of aerobatic prowess? Cranky and that evil lizard K. Rool are ruining my business. And now they stole my barrel copter. You got to do something, DK. This monkey"s vibes are out of whack with those two kibitzing with my karma. Look out! [All screaming] Oh, they"ve lost their heads. And we almost lost ours. Cranky and K. Rool are a threat to everyone. They"ve got to be stopped. What do you want me to do? You did bring them together. Me? It was your idea too, little buddy. Remember? "Take a letter." No matter who did it, you"ve got to break them up for all our sakes. Breaking up friends. I"m not sure if that's a nice thing to... ALL: Do it! All right. I think they went this way. What? Got you, K. Rool. Now we can... Oh, no. I told you to wait until I gave the signal. Sorry. You were trying to trap King K. Rool? You bet. I don"t know how you monkeys brainwashed him, but... We didn"t do anything, except make him and Cranky friends again. Friends? Well, that"s even worse than brainwashing. We just want our old king back. Is that too much to ask? We just want our old Cranky back. Then how about an alliance? An alliance? ♪ We got ourselves a problem here, sir ♪ ♪ We need to band together ♪ An alliance is the only solution ♪ ♪ To make these friends fair-weather ♪ ♪ I think I know what will make it happen ♪ ♪ If I"m right there might be hope ♪ ♪ We"ll send a letter to the both of them ♪ ♪ Calling each other a dope >> BOTH: Shh! ♪ Keep it down, we need a remedy ♪ ♪ Got to have a plan, going to make them enemies ♪ ♪ This can"t go on ♪ ♪ This friendship is wrong ♪ Got to break them up and put them back where they belong ♪ ♪ What if we throw a party in honour of King K. Rool? ♪ ♪ And invite everyone but Cranky ♪ ♪ He"s sure to feel like a fool ♪ ♪ Um, no, that won"t work ♪ ♪ A contest is the key ♪ One so big K. Rool will cheat, then these pals are history ♪ BOTH: Shh. Keep it down, we need a remedy ♪ ♪ Got to have a plan ♪ Going to make them enemies ♪ This can"t go on ♪ ♪ This friendship is wrong ♪ Got to break them up and put them back where they belong ♪ Well, old sport, what do you feel like now? A little Texas death match Ping Pong? Nah, too boring. Hey, what are you two doing together? You trying to horn in on our fun? Negative, hairy-faced sir. We just thought that, well, you never did finish your contest way back when. Maybe you could have the last event now. We never did figure out who was the most extreme on the island. [Laughing] We could pick up where we left off. Where"d you leave off, Your Odd Choice of Friendliness? High-altitude wing walking. [Both gasping] [Laughing] And if I remember correctly, the grand prize is still up for grabs. And it"s got my name written all over it. You wrote on the grand prize? It"s a figure of speech, you big, green gecko. Now I got some practicing to do. See you at Funky"s. Last one there"s a monkey's uncle. Wait a minute, I already am a monkey"s uncle. High-altitude wing walking? They"re going to kill themselves. Well, at least they won"t be friends. [Gasping] Why, Klump, you"re just in time to help me with some alligator aerobics. What is the meaning of this? I formally charge you with high treason. You have been seen fraternizing with the enemy, namely Cranky. You don"t think I'm actually friends with that flea-bitten fur bag. What about the bowling, the golf, the... fun? You think this has been fun? Oh, let me explain it so that even your underdeveloped cranium can understand. I"m just pretending to be buddies so I can get back at that loser Cranky and claim my prize. Now let me go! So this is all espionage? This is revenge. [Laughing] All I want is to beat that boorish boob of a baboon, and then this charade will be over! And then you shake your money-maker on the wing. Grooving across as many times as you can. Yes, yes. Get on with it. Whoever can put on the best show without losing their cool... Or their grip. Is the smoothest sugar daddy on the island, and wins the prize. Which one of you extreme dudes wants to go first? I"ll go first. [Laughing] That is, if you don"t mind, Cranky. Go ahead. It won"t kill me to wait. Famous last words. [Laughing] ♪ Smooth moves, lizard dude. That crocodile can strut. That"s nothing. Baby steps. Wait till I get up there. [All applaud] Not bad, K. Rool, but I can beat you with my eyes closed. Not yet, you can"t. This dude need more juice for the plane. You can"t steal the show if you don"t have the gas to go. I couldn"t have said it better myself. Now to make a little hole. Not bad, K. Rool. Donkey Kong and Diddy. I must be going now. I have to get ready to cheer for Cranky. Hooray, Cranky and all that. Do you think he"s up to something, DK? It"s K. Rool. He"s always up to something. Maybe this contest thing wasn"t such a good idea after all. Cranky, I can"t let you do this. It"s too dangerous. There"s nothing to worry about, Donkey Kong. I was wing walking when you were still wearing diapers. But that was a long time ago. And it"s something you never forget, like your first bike or... Or... I forgot. Never mind. I"ve got a date with destiny. Sorry, Cranky. You"re going to have to tell destiny she"s been stood up. Donkey Kong! When I get my hands on you, you ignoramus, I"m going to... Ah, there it is. Just what I need. Don"t worry, Cranky. You"re still going to be there for the contest. I guarantee it. They haven"t made a barrel yet that can hold me. [Grunting] [Barrel crashing] Oh, yeah? What are you looking at? [Airplane flying] I"m here, and ready to compete. What are you doing, DK? DK? I"m not that knuckleheaded, but boorishly handsome, DK. I"m Cranky. Well, if you"re Cranky, then who"s that? Way to groove, Cranky, my man. [Engine popping] No gas? Hang on, old dude. [Cranky screaming] [All gasping] Major bummer. ALL: Open the umbrella! I can"t look, I can't look. Oh, such a shame. I"m overcome with grief. Okay, enough about the past. Where"s my prize? You looking for this, K. Rool? Cranky, you"re alive. [Stammering] But how did you survive? What happened to, "Hey, you"re looking pretty healthy for a monkey who fell off a wing from a plane that deliberately ran out of gas?" Yes, of course. That"s what I meant, but... Hey, are you accusing me of cheating? Do crocodile eggs make the lousiest omelettes? Flounderer. Cheater! Wait a minute. Cranky, how did you get on that wing and, more important, why aren"t you a mashed-up monkey? You saw my hologram, which can wing walk better than you on your best day. So take that, you loser! A hologram? You cheated. How dare you? Which means I still win. Hand over the umbrella. Not so fast, you gas guzzler. I suppose emptying the gas tank was fair play and all. It was... dishonest. Not cheating. There"s a difference. Now give me the umbrella! You mean you two risked your lives for a stupid umbrella? This stupid umbrella may not look like much, but when we were younger we didn"t have anything else to wager. It"s symbolic. That umbrella means as much to me as my entire kingdom. It represents my final victory over Cranky. And since you cheated, Cranky, you lose. Hand it over! Never! In that case, we"re enemies again. Forever! Fine. Let"s go, Donkey Kong. The next time I lay eyes on him, it will be to do battle. Let"s get out of here, Klump. I"ve wasted enough time not planning to annihilate these ludicrous lemurs. Well? Well. Job well done, sir. Not so shabby yourself, Klump. Now, if I ever see you in my territory again, I"m going to banana slamma you like you"ve never been banana slamma"ed before. In triplicate, varmint. ♪ |