 "I wouldn't be seen dead in an article like this one!"
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Act 1[]
KLUMP: Here goes. Now remember, just leave everything to me. Okay. Well, Klump, where is it? [Nervous laughing] Well, eh, sir. Yes? Krusha has something to tell you! Crystal Coconut, no go. You know what I have here, Klump? Why, no, sir.
As you well know, I"m penning my memoirs, so that they may be archived alongside history"s finest villains. Oh, yes, sir! A fine endeavor, sir, a fine endeavor. I am presently on chapter 399, with just one more chapter to write, and do you know what that chapter is about? I couldn"t say for sure, sir. It"s about how I successfully stole the Crystal Coconut away from those Neanderthal apes! But I can"t write that unless I have the Crystal Coconut, can I? No, sir... I mean, yes, sir. Yes, sir! I mean, well, don"t worry. I"m already working on Plan B. Uh, it involves a... Just do it! [Gurgling] Nana slamma! Hi, Dix. Hiya, Candy. BOTH: Hi, guys. Hey, it"s little Baby Kong. [Gurgling] Nana slamma! Heh! You girls want to go fishing with us? We can"t. We"re babysitting Baby Kong for the rest of the day. Yeah, we don"t have time for fun. Babysitting sounds like fun to me. [Laughing] Yeah, right. BOTH: What? Taking care of a baby is hard work. Heavy duty responsibility. Come on. How hard can it be? Yeah, [Chuckling] he"s just a baby. If you think it"s so easy, then why don"t you two try it? Yeah, we"ll go fishing, and you guys babysit. It"s a deal. Great. See you later. Good luck. BOTH: You"ll need it. [Giggling] What did you go and do that for? I wanted to go fishing. Relax. I bet you this will be even more fun than fishing. [Bawling] [Vacuum cleaner roaring] [Loud crying] So tell me; when is the fun going to start? [Baby Kong laughing] Waa! There, there, Baby Kong. Calm down. No! I"ve got him. I"ve got him! Watch out for that... [Smashing] Mirror. [Crying] Can"t you do something to make him stop crying! [Crying] DONKEY KONG: Quiet!!!! [Crying stops] Way to go, DK. Nothing to it. All it takes is a firm voice, a little bit of discipline, and everything is... Huh? Where did he go? Whoa, no, you didn"t. He"s run away! BOTH: Baby Kong, come back! ♪ Look out, Baby Kong! Hey! BOTH: Hey, hey, hey! ♪ Careful Baby Kong ♪ No, no, no ♪ No, no, no, not again [Thudding] BOTH: Oh, wow, wow, wow, whoa! ♪ Oh, no, Baby Kong ♪ No, no, no, no, no [Plane engine whirring] [Crashing] ♪ Watch out, Baby ♪ Don"t mean maybe ♪ ♪ Whoa whoa whoa ♪ Whoa whoa whoa Aaah! Ah-hah-ah-ohhhh! [Engine roaring] No, you tell him. But you were going to. Well, never mind what I said. That was then and this is now, and now I"m ordering you to tell him. [Elevator whirring] Oh, mother of mercy, in a mine car going 90! We"re going to be fried fixing tonight. Well, where is the Coconut? Well, sir, Krusha broke down... Did not. He got us lost. If you two home-spun idiots don"t find a way to get the Crystal Coconut, by the time I get to the last chapter of my memoirs... [Gurgling] [Giggling] Oh! Nana slamma! Well, well, well, what sweet fortune be this? I messed up, little buddy. Ah, don"t worry, DK. It"s okay. We"ll find Baby Kong. Why, because in the gorilla"s darkest hour, he should still let hope, faith and optimism guide the way? Oh, that too, but I thought we could just follow his footprints. Woo! It"s really making tracks. I wonder where he"s going. Well, he"s not going to Candy or Funky"s because they're that-a-way. And he can"t be going to Buster"s because the barrel factory is back there. BOTH: So he must be going to... King K. Rool"s! Ah, here it is. I knew this would come in handy one day. Hi there, little soldier. Coochy-coochy-coo! Ow! [Laughing] For a monkey he"s pretty smart. [Laughing] Unlike most. Okay, K. Rool, this time you"ve gone too far. Kidnapping an innocent baby: for shame! Kidnapping? [Laughing] The infant strolled in at his own free will. That makes him a house guest. Well, hand him over or we"ll... We'll... Or he"ll pound you. Come, come now. There"s no need to resort to violence. I propose we negotiate. No way! DK, that"s a good thing. It means make a deal. Oh. Okay, go ahead, negotiate. I"ll hand over the infant. Good. Just as soon as you hand over the Crystal Coconut. Over my hairy back. I"m taking Baby Kong now, and you can"t stop me. No, but they can. [Guns clicking] [Nervous chuckling] We"ll go get his toys. DIDDY: But how are you going to steal the Crystal Coconut without Cranky seeing? Not steal: borrow, and only long enough to get Baby Kong back. [Knocking] You just keep him busy and let me take care of the rest. Hiya, Crank. Want to learn the new dance I created? Go away, you bum-headed baboon. You woke me up! It"s easy. [Laughing] Come on, try it. Come on, Cranky, it"s fun. What, are you nuts? Will you get out of here? Scat! Ah, you wouldn"t be any good at it anyway. You"re too old. Oh, yeah? Just watch me. [Banging to the music] [Squeaking shut] [Banging to the music] [Squeaking open] [Banging to the music] [Squeaking shut] [Banging to the music] [Squeaking shut] Ooh, you"re doing swell, Crank. Oh, I bet you can"t do this, though. Oh, yeah? Whoa, you are really good at this. I told you. Now go for the big spin. [Crank yelling] [Glass smashing] CRANK: Diddy! [Laughing] [Laughing] Yaargh! [Crashing] I had no idea that having a baby around could be so much fun! [Laughing] That"s it. That"s what I've been missing all these years. What I need is someone to give the gift of my unlimited knowledge to, someone to pass my crown, title and throne to, someone who can appreciate the genius of my villainy and follow in my footsteps: a prince, an heir, a son! And the ransom demand, the Crystal Coconut. I have changed my mind. I"ve decided to keep Baby Kong and raise him as my own son! Presenting Prince Junior Croc! [Laughing] Junior Croc. [Laughing] Ooh. No choice now, DK. You"ve got to come clean before it gets any worse. It can"t get any worse, little buddy. CANDY: I couldn"t agree more. Candy, I... oh... Well, it"s, um... Oh, is Baby Kong sleeping? Huh? I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. Say what? You really proved you could be responsible. Oh, I wouldn"t say that, Candy. Well, I would. You"re everything I ever dreamed of in an ape, DK. He is? I am? Yes. What could be more attractive than a big strong ape taking care of a little baby? Um... Sshhh! Keep up the good work. Later! Oh, man! I have to get Baby Kong back and fast. Oh, too bad we didn"t have two babies. We could just switch them. That"s a great idea. We"ll exchange Baby Kong with another baby. Oh, yeah, right. Where do you think we"re going to find another baby? I know I"m your pal and all but don"t you think this is going just a little far to help you? But it isn"t helping me, little buddy; it"s helping Baby Kong. Okay, but you owe me, big time. "Then I took the big explosive barrel and threw it at Cranky"s cabin, and kaboomy! He was really really mad at me." [Laughing] [Yawning] Ah, is Prince Junior Croc tired? Okay, we"ll read another bedtime story from my memoirs later. Right now, you need to go sleepy-byes. ♪ I"m looking for a prince ♪ ♪ Someone who can follow in my claw prints ♪ ♪ An heir to pass the throne onto, my son ♪ ♪ The Rool name must live on What an honourable lineage it is, one filled with despotism and tyranny and... Excuse me. ♪ You are my prince ♪ My wittle son ♪ You"re my wittle evil one ♪ ♪ You are my heir ♪ My precious brute ♪ Your evil deeds will be so cute ♪ ♪ You"ll carry on my evil ways ♪ ♪ And take care of me when my scales turn grey ♪ ♪ And rule the Everglades ♪ It will be the best career move you"ve ever made ♪ My villainy will be passed on for generations, and he will rule the universe with an iron sword! ♪ You are my prince ♪ My wittle son ♪ You"re my wittle evil one ♪ ♪ You are my heir ♪ My precious bwute ♪ Your evil deeds will be so cuuu-uuu-uute ♪ [K. Rool crying] You have a nice nappie. [Loud snoring] Not you two, the baby! [Baby Kong crying] Oh. Now look what you did. [Baby Kong crying] I"m retiring to my library, and by the time I come back, that baby had better be asleep, or you two pinheads will be, permanently! [Baby Kong crying] I know, I"ll tell him a story. Ooh, ooh, I"ve got a good one. I"ll tell him about my boot camp days before being a general. My platoon was stationed in the swamps. It was the middle of July. I remember because the mosquitoes was biting something fierce, and it was hotter than a pig on a spear. You could sauté seaweed on my tail, it was so hot. I remember my boots stunk like Momma"s cooking. He"s asleep. Huh? I didn"t even get to the good part where I lost the pin to my grenade, and that was the first day I met King K. Rool, a day he won"t forget. How were we supposed to make a switch, with the goon squad watching Baby Kong? Easy as one, two, three, little buddy. Easy? Huh, how? One, two... Urgh! Uno three! [Diddy yelling] Uh-oh. [Skidding] It worked! But what about me, you goof? Hey, you"re supposed to be sleeping, you little scamp. Ga-ga, goo-goo! Gu-go! You"re hungry, aren't you? Why don"t you sit on Uncle Klump"s knee and let him feed you your bottle? You"d like that? Goo. Gu-go... Oh, sure you would. Goo-goo. Gah, go-go... Go away! Well, come on now. Let go! Oh, ha-ha, I know what"s wrong. Ooh? Krusha, I think our little soldier here made a boo-boo in his diaper. Well, now, don"t you worry. Just because I"m a big old general doesn"t mean I can't change a baby"s... Yow! Oh, no. [Baby Kong crying] [Loud crying] DONKEY KONG: Diddy, run! Hey! Uh-urgh! BABY KONG: Wee! Baby Kong, no! Wait! [Carriage screeching] What are you waiting for? Go! Charge! Wee! DIDDY: Next time, I want to go fishing. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. [Carriage skidding] Follow that carriage! [Baby Kong chuckling] [Baby Kong gurgling] Gotcha! I"ve got him, Diddy! DK, Look out! [Thudding] [Crashing] Once again, Donkey Kong: zero"s hero; King K. Rool: winner! Nobody wins when a baby"s involved... I mean, when a baby"s involved, nobody wins! Oh, something like that. If you are referring to the welfare of the child, I"ll have you know that I have only the child"s best interests in mind, and we"ll have lots of fun too, won"t we? Taking care of a baby isn"t fun, oh, believe me. Whoa! On the contrary. I think it"s a riot. [Laughing] A villain"s life is no role model for a baby. Do you want him to turn out just like you? Absolutely. But he"s a monkey, a furry banana-eating, vine-swinging, armpit-scratching, uh-uh-uh-ing monkey! [Monkey-like squealing] So? What"s your point? Let"s face it, K. Rool. No matter how hard you try, he"ll never be as slimy as you. [Monkey-like squealing] He might be as slimy, one day. How can he? No one"s more of a low-down slimy scaly pond scum than yourself. Can"t argue with the facts, sir. You"re the slimiest. And the lowest. You"ll never fit in. He"ll make you look bad. Don"t be ridiculous! How could he do that? Urgh! [Giggling] Huh! [Clanging] Change... ooh... in time. Oomph! [Baby Kong laughing] Ow! Urgh, urgh, ow! Oh, ow! Wee! [Gulping] For the love of gators, will someone take him away? Now! [Crunching] Ow, ow, now! Well, what are you waiting for? Take him away! Bye-bye! [Nervous chuckling] BOTH: Bye-bye. Baby Kong, wait up! I sure am going to miss that little tyke. Well, I"m not. Now get rid of all this baby stuff. I have work to do. Grr, who needs a baby around? They"re nothing but a nuisance, always getting in the way, making a mess, crying all the time. [Crying] I"m going to miss that little fellow. [Baby Kong gurgling] Oh, silly. I"m hearing things. [Baby Kong gurgling] Prince Junior Croc? [Gurgling] Klump, will you get out of there! I just thought if you wanted someone to pass on your villainy to, you could always give them memoirs to me. Oh, I"ll give them to you all right. DIDDY: Now we can finally come clean about what happened. Oh, I don"t see any reason to upset the girls. Best to just let sleeping dogs lie. Ha-ha, don"t you mean lying dogs? [Laughing] Hi, Baby Kong. Hiya, sweetie. Did you have a fun time with Donkey Kong and Diddy? Junior Croc, Junior Croc. Miss Miller, I wonder what he"s saying. Lucky for you, by the time he"s old enough to tell them, you"ll be be too old to get a beating. [Laughing] I"ve got to hand it to you, DK; you"re a really great babysitter. I know. Even better than us. What can I say? Kids just love me. Which is why you should babysit Baby Kong all the time, from now on. No, no, no, I"m a terrible babysitter. First I couldn"t control Baby Kong; then spoiled him, so he ran away to K. Rool"s, and K. Rool had him for ransom and wanted a Crystal Coconut in exchange, so I stole... well, borrowed the coconut, but then K. Rool didn"t want it anymore and he wanted to keep Baby Kong. That"s why I made Diddy dress up a baby to get the real baby back, but that backfired too. So I convinced K. Rool to take care of Baby. It"s a big job, a really really big job, one that I"m not responsible enough to do, Candy. Well, if you don"t want to babysit, just say so. Yeah. You don"t have to make up silly stories. BABY KONG: Bye-bye! [Gurgling] Well, we"ve got the whole day to ourselves now, Diddy. What do you want to do? I"ll be going fishing, but you"ll be too busy to go with me. Why is that, little buddy? Well, a certain hero has an outstanding balance of IOUs to a certain sidekick in payment for his outstanding baby performance. Oh, yeah. Well, first you can clean under my bed; then you can organize my 10,001 Mega Monkey comic book collection. By then I"ll be hungry, so you can peel me some bananas, then pick up some of Candy"s banana pies for dessert, rub my back, clean my teeth... ♪ |